Iniquity (The Premonition, #5)(59)

My skin feels paper-thin as Xavier’s hand comes within a breath of it. He picks up his wine glass, watching me, expecting me to suddenly recognize him for more than the human he has always been to me in this lifetime. I also remember him now as a British soldier from another lifetime—the life I don’t want to remember. In that time, he’d dangled the carrot of freedom before Simone—a desperate girl and she’d agreed to help him in exchange for her life. The biggest problem I have with that is I’m not entirely sure how it worked out for her. Not well, I’d imagine, because she died—I died. I’m Simone…or I was.

I scan the room for the diamond-shaped pupils and blue wings of the Cherub angel I’d seen when I first arrived. Atwater. I need to speak to him. If he knew Brennus before his fall, then I want to know why he’s still hanging around the Gancanagh and hasn’t tried to kill them. The Gancanagh lair in Houghton is not something that angels would normally let slide. Atwater knew I was a prisoner there, and yet, he’d done nothing to help me escape them. He had only come to me after Russell had freed me.

“You’re quiet.” Xavier lifts his glass to his lips and stares at me over the rim. His blond hair is dark under the dim light of the chandelier.

“Why would Atwater be following the Gancanagh?”

“I don’t know. He must have his reasons.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“Not at the moment.”

“But you can find him, right?”

“I can.”

“Find him for me.”

“Okay.” Xavier leans back in his seat, toying with his glass. “What are you going to do for me in exchange?”

“What do you want?”

“Cooperation.”

“Am I fighting you?”

“No. You’re biding your time, waiting for Reed to rescue you.”

“He’s my aspire. You’re keeping us apart.”

“I’m allowed to protect you from everything that can harm you now. I could never do that in your previous lifetimes as a human. This is a much better position to be in. I don’t have to watch you die and do nothing.”

“Reed won’t hurt me.”

“He’ll destroy you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“He doesn’t know who you are. He doesn’t understand you.”

“He understands me fine.”

“His only goal is to protect you.”

“Why is that so wrong?”

“You’re here to change things, Evie. It’s not about you, it’s about what you’ve become—a half-angel. There has never been your like in all of history. You’re changing the world. You’re the wave that will crush our enemies.”

“Why must I be a crusher? Why can’t I be a uniter?”

“You fight evil. It’s what you do. It’s why you’ve always been chosen. Do you think Emil deserves to live?”

“No.” I mutter. He has a point. Emil cannot be allowed to live.

Xavier’s lips twitch in a suppressed smile. “You’ve always been an excellent crusher. You crushed Kimberly Cline. I distinctly remember you making her cry,” he teases me.

I make a face. “She told everyone that she was going to get you to break up with me junior year.”

“Yes, and you told people I said that she had bad breath.”

“She did have bad breath.”

“True, but I never said that.”

“You thought it. Anyway, you did end up breaking up with me senior year.” Why does that still hurt so much? It makes no sense.

Xavier sees it. I can hide nothing from him. He sets down his wine glass. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I had to put some distance between us.”

“It’s fine—”

“No. Let me finish!” he growls.

I look at him. “Go on.”

“You were…such a temptation for me. We weren’t engaging in just kissing anymore, like we had been sophomore year. I was supposed to be protecting you, but I was becoming your direst threat. You were so fragile. I couldn’t touch you without hurting you, not the way I was feeling about you. I wanted you. You had been the love of my life for centuries.”

“I thought there was something wrong with me,” I admit.

“There was something wrong with you! You had the body of a sixteen-year-old girl and the ancient soul of my love. There was clearly something wrong with that.”

“Your body looked about the same age as mine.”

“Looks are so deceiving, aren’t they, Evie?”

“They are. With a look, you made me believe you found me repulsive. I thought you didn’t want me at all.”

“You held all the power and you didn’t even know it. And so what if I had been a stupid boy and not an angel and I had thought that? It would mean that I was a fool, not you! But you know now what I am and that I love you—have always loved you. I wanted you then, but it’s nothing compared to how much I want you now.”

“It’s too late,” I whisper.

“It’s never too late. Not for us! Not for where we’ve been.”

“Where have we been, Xavier? I want to understand. I do. I need you to stop talking in riddles and explain where we’ve been. What do you remember about our last lifetime together?”