Infinity Son(74)

I tell him why I always wear baggy shirts. My body is either too skinny or not skinny enough. Never enough muscle. But it’s always easier to hide inside shirts where no one can figure out what my body looks like. I used to wear tank tops at the beach, even to go in the water, which always led to chafing, but seeing everyone with their six-packs stopped me from going altogether. I was always promising myself that every summer was going to be the summer I could finally walk shirtless and feel desired and accepted. Then there are all the guys on Instagram whose bodies I zoom in on, and when they post their exercise routines I try them out and deprive myself of any sweets because my joy isn’t worth being ignored.

“Even the Spell Walker gig makes this impossible,” I add with tears in my eyes as Ness sits across from me on the floor. “Everyone has their idea of what heroes should look like, and that’s not me.”

“You’re really not kidding, are you?” Ness asks.

“I don’t need you to tell me how skinny or strong I am, I get it, but it’s this voice in my head that—”

“That needs to shut up,” Ness interrupts.

“I don’t think I’ll ever feel good about myself. I could have the six-pack and the V-cut and people saying they want me, but I will never feel beautiful enough for everyone in the world.”

“You should only feel beautiful to yourself,” Ness says. “And only be with someone who gets that you’re beautiful because of who you are. Look, firefly, the first night I saw you I almost broke concentration and morphed back into myself. Make of that what you will.” He blushes, which is wild, but if anyone can fake that, it’s a shape-shifter. “I shouldn’t have pushed. But you really should clean your wounds. Get your brother or mother to help you. It doesn’t have to be me.”

I stand. “Do you promise not to comment on my body?”

“Of course. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I can close my eyes?”

“Let’s try that.”

We go by the sink, where he wets the rag and closes his eyes. I lift my shirt, immediately puffing out my chest, an instinct that’s been burned into me from locker rooms and the rare instances when I changed in front of friends. I guide Ness’s finger to the cut on my forearm, and he’s gentle, but presses down more when he’s worried it’s not properly cleaning the area. Then I watch his face when I direct him to my ribs, wondering if he’s going to cringe in any way over how bony I feel, but he remains as focused as anyone can be with their eyes closed. He asks if he can put his hand on my lower back to better anchor himself, and I say yes, and the sensations burning through me still take me by surprise. I bite down on my lip when he applies too much pressure on my rib cage and he apologizes. The tip of my hair rests on his curls as he washes the last cut on my left arm.

“Should I keep going?” Ness asks.

“All good,” I say, even though I’m not ready for him to back up.

“Let me know when I can open my eyes.”

I’m tempted to tell him now, but if his face betrays his words, this memory will be stained, and I’ll never believe anyone again when they call me beautiful. I put my shirt back on.

“Thanks, Ness.”

He still doesn’t look at me. “I’ll never forgive myself for putting you through that. I’m sorry.”

“You got me out of there and got us Gravesend. We’re good.”

“Speaking of,” he says, finally opening his eyes and pointing at Gravesend’s egg. “You got to handle that.”

“Don’t tell me to kill her. We just have to wait out this constellation.”

“Your best bet right now is that the Casters won’t feel good about storming into a place where you’ll have home field advantage. But one mistake costs us everything, so you have to get that egg far away from here.”

“We’re working on it. You should come with us,” I say. It’s going to take Brighton, Prudencia, and Ma a minute before they trust Ness, but they’ll have to get over it because we all need fresh starts, second chances. “We’re going to be hiding too.”

“But everyone is going to be looking for you. Fire-Wing,” Ness says. It’s another reason to hate how famous I’ve become. “If it wasn’t so risky, it would be really hard to turn down that invite. But it’s for the best. I should figure out my own path. If there was ever a time to run and start over, it’s when Luna is focused on tracking down that egg before the Crowned Dreamer goes away. I have to discover who I am outside of the Senator’s watch, outside of my debt to the Casters.”

He’s never been able to make his own choices. I respect this one especially. “You’ve got to protect yourself. I hope you don’t have to hide the rest of your life.”

“Pray to the stars that Luna and the Senator die sooner rather than later.”

I wonder who has to die before I can come out and live my life in peace.

“I should get going before it gets too dark,” Ness says.

I don’t know what else to say to him. When he closes the space between us, good nerves explode within me. I almost even get my lips ready. But when he pulls me into a hug, I’m not disappointed. A kiss would’ve made me feel wanted, but that’s not what this is. Right now, I feel comforted for the dark times ahead. Figuring out a new home, making peace with quitting this war, raising Gravesend with no experience. I rest my chin on Ness’s shoulder. Our ears brush, and I strangely wish I could somehow listen in on his thoughts to see if I’ll be on his mind too when he leaves.