Infinity Son(34)

Emil’s head is hanging low.

I wrap my arm around his shoulder. I know he’s scared, but if I can’t be the greatest hero this city has ever seen, I’ll make sure my brother will. “Bro, you’re in a ring of people who have been affected by this war. Who do you want to be?”





Sixteen


Assemble


EMIL

They’re kidding me.

I can’t know who I want to be when I’m still struggling with who I am. It’s been twelve hours since my life completely blew up. Some celestials in this circle have always known they were going to come into powers, others were surprised like me, but how many found out they were adopted and are now expected to become a Spell Walker because it’s what their latest past life did? Because it’s what their first past life caused?

Just me.

I stay shut, and when the group breaks up, I keep my distance from everyone—especially Brighton, who set me up—in a corner of the library. I’m going to look through all these damn books myself and hope to find some way out of this. Before the hour is up, I know I’m kidding myself. I sucked at basic chemistry; I don’t stand a chance at alchemy.

I stick to my strengths, reviewing an old textbook on phoenixes, but there’s only one page on gray suns. It doesn’t tell me anything new. I know they come back stronger every time, which is probably how I’m wielding both Keon’s gold flames and Bautista’s gray flames, but I don’t know if my powers will keep growing or if I hit my limit. Resurrection is clearly a thing, except I won’t come back as me when I die. I wasn’t even reborn with any of Bautista’s or Keon’s memories. Were Keon or Bautista self-healing? I never saw any footage of them flying. Some scientists have tried proving a phoenix’s ability to move through their past lives, but nothing solid has ever come from those theories. That’s the power I would want the most, so I could go back and stop Keon from creating specters in the first place, just like some mission in my favorite science fiction movies.

I spend the next couple hours in the library before hunger gets the best of me. I link up with Brighton and Prudencia to feel a little less alone, and when we get to the cafeteria, Ma is eating by herself. Her back is turned to me; I could walk away and not hurt her feelings. Seeing her hunched over whatever the hell she’s eating reminds me so much of when Dad passed, and she would have to force-feed herself.

Everything is terrifying, so I go straight to my mother like I always have in the home she didn’t have to invite me into.

She looks up at me with the reddest of eyes. “Emil.”

There’s that part of me that’s aching to hug her, to forgive her, but I’m frozen.

“My Emilio, I’m so sorry. My heart has never hurt more than seeing that look on your face. . . . I never wanted to put you through that.”

“You should’ve told me,” I say.

“Us,” Brighton says.

“Of course,” Ma says. “We took too long to tell you boys the truth. Part of me wishes I’d kept up the lie, so I wouldn’t have the memory of your betrayed faces. But it seemed too important. I will tell you anything you want to know.”

I have so many questions, but I’ve lived through enough truth with my family that it can wait. “I need some real talk first. I know everyone is counting on me becoming a soldier. It’s been really impossible to hype myself up enough to fill Bautista’s shoes, even though I want to live in a better world like everyone else here. But I know I’m not strong enough to create it.”

“You’ve done it before!” Brighton says. “Sort of.”

I’m not Keon or Bautista, and I don’t know them any better than anyone else who’s researched them online. “They both got killed, Bright. This isn’t some video game where I’ll respawn as your brother if I die. Are you going to feel good about pushing me into this fight if I end up dying?”

Brighton doesn’t hesitate. “I would hate myself forever. But are you going to feel good about walking away from all of this?”

“I would hate myself forever,” I echo. “I know too many names and faces and stories to not help. I might be a specter, but I’m a lot like the celestials who also didn’t choose to have powers. I want to focus on this cure and reverse the damage Keon and the Blood Casters have created.”

Brighton grins. “We’re going to get you through this. I’ll film your training so we can review everything together. I’ll tell you when you’re not giving it your all so you don’t get wrecked on the battlefield.”

“Battlefield,” Prudencia breathes. “Hell of a word.”

“Different times,” Brighton says.

“Ma?” She’s been quiet.

“No parent wants to watch their child walk into battle,” Ma says with my hand in hers, and I fight the impulse to rip it away. “I wish I could lift the world off your shoulders, Emilio, but I will support you however I can. If you want to stay, we stay. If you want to leave, we leave.”

No one can make this decision for me. We hang tight in silence for a little while longer so I can give myself a few more breaths before I change my life even more. We assemble together and march to the brewing chamber. The Spell Walkers are gathered, and all eyes are on us. My phoenix fire has nothing to do with how powerful I feel in this moment. All credit goes to my own little army standing with me.