Infinite(48)

It was after midnight when I finally made it back to the apartment near River Park. I had nowhere else to go. It occurred to me that the Dylan who really belonged here might have come home while I was gone, but I had to take that chance, so I let myself inside. Moonlight stole through the windows, giving me enough light to see. I made my way to the bedroom and saw that Tai was alone in bed. I took off my clothes, feeling a wave of tiredness. I slid under the covers next to her. She faced away from me, her breathing steady. I knew she’d heard me arrive; I knew she was awake. I lay on my side, and the room was quiet.

“Where were you?” Tai said softly from the other side of the bed.

“I told you. I needed to see Roscoe.”

“You left the church hours ago. I called him. Where did you go?”

“I drove around.”

Tai turned over, just inches away. We were eye to eye. Her long hair spilled across the pillow. I could see her bare shoulders and breasts where the blanket slipped down.

“What are you not telling me?” she asked.

“Nothing.”

She stayed silent for a while, watching me. “I’m glad you’re safe. Those two days without you were hell. I was worried about you.”

“I know.”

“Why don’t we go away this weekend? We could drive to Lake Geneva, find a little B and B.”

“I can’t.”

“Oh. Okay. Whatever.”

I heard her disappointment and regretted the harshness in my voice. She didn’t deserve that. She had no way of knowing she was in bed with another man. “Tai, I’m sorry.”

She nudged closer and put her lips on mine. “You know, I can’t fix something when I don’t know what’s broken.”

“I already told you, it’s not you. It’s me. It’s all me.”

She kept kissing me. My lips. My chin. My eyes. Her taut nipples brushed against my chest, and her long hair caressed my skin. Her hand slid between my legs and began to tease an erection from me.

“Tai, it’s not a good night for that.”

“I don’t care.”

Her motions grew more urgent, her fingernails working on me with long, gentle strokes, and I responded to her touch despite myself. Yes, it felt good, but my body and mind were in two different places. I was thinking about the first time Karly had touched me, when I lay on the bed in the dollhouse, still in casts and mostly unable to move. She’d given me a sponge bath, and we made jokes to defuse the awkwardness of the effect it was having on me, which was impossible to miss. When we ran out of jokes, she giggled and said, “Oh, what the hell” and made me come harder than I ever had in my life.

That’s what I was remembering when Tai took hold of my shoulder. “Make love to me.”

I should have put her off, but I didn’t. I rolled on top of her, and she spread her legs wide, and I sank inside her. She cried out a little, then moaned. I thrust in and out slowly, feeling the heat of her response, and I tried to be in the moment. I tried to take pleasure in this, but every touch and every sound she made reminded me that our bodies were strangers. Seeing her face below me, not Karly’s, felt wrong, as if I were somehow cheating on both of them at the same time. I kept dreaming of making love to my real wife, but this wasn’t her. I rushed to finish, and the more I tried to climax, the more my body betrayed me. My arousal vanished. Tai wrapped her legs around me and tried to coax me back to life, but we were done. I couldn’t do this.

I pulled out of her and collapsed onto my back. “I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I have a lot on my mind.”

“So tell me about it. Talk to me.”

“I don’t even know where to start.”

She stared at the ceiling, and the dim light gave away the shine of tears in her eyes. “You’ve always been distant. I never blamed you for that. But I thought we were making progress. I thought you were learning to love me. Now you’re going backward.”

“I know.”

“You can’t go on like this,” Tai said. “Something’s wrong with you. If you won’t talk to me, then talk to Roscoe, or talk to a shrink. You need help. Please, sweetheart.”

She reached out a hand to me, but I pulled mine away. My body was damp with sweat, my heart still racing. I didn’t say anything to Tai, but she was right. I needed help, and I could only think of one person who would understand what I was going through.

I had to find Eve Brier.





CHAPTER 19

I awakened before dawn. Tai was still asleep, or pretending to be asleep so she didn’t have to deal with me. I stood over the bed and watched her silently, feeling guilty about what had transpired between us overnight. My instinct was to wake her up. Tell her everything. But I waited. Somehow I managed to convince myself that I was protecting her with my silence.

I showered in the darkness. The water brought me right back to when I was trapped in the river. It didn’t matter what world I was in—that helpless sensation never left me. I struggled through the claustrophobia, then went back into the bedroom to get dressed. There wasn’t much in the closet of this other Dylan that appealed to my own tastes. I looked for the blazer I’d seen him wearing when I followed him from the Art Institute, but I didn’t see that coat on any of the hangers. Instead, I chose the least offensive patterned shirt I could find and a pair of Dockers.