Incendiary (Hollow Crown #1)(42)

I stare at the cold ground between my feet. I let my heart slow down, the vines tighten around it. I know that I’m the only one who can move forward from here. I know that none of them understand, not even Sayida. Dez was all I had, and I killed him.

“We can’t stay here,” I say as I lace up my boots. I ache from my fingertips to my toes. I ache so much that if I stop moving I might not get back up.

“We can’t return to ángeles yet. There are sweeps all over the city,” Margo says, anger shrouding her words.

“I’m not going back there. I’m going to the palace. I’m going to kill the prince.”

“We barely got out of there alive.” Margo steps to me like a challenge. “They’re looking for us, even now. They know Whispers were there for Dez.”

I laugh, a cruel sound. “We weren’t there for Dez. We— I failed. Dez is dead.”

The three of them trade glances seeped with the same guilt I feel.

“You’re hurting,” Sayida says softly. “But now is not the time to act without thinking. We give it some time. Head back to ángeles.”

“Illan told us not to come back.”

“He will forgive us,” Sayida says. “I’m sure of it. We can make it to the ship heading to Empirio Luzou. It’ll be safer on the coast with the guards concentrated in the capital. We’ll endure Illan’s punishment.”

“And let Dez’s death go unpunished?” I demand. Standing, I wince as a dozen new bruises make themselves known.

“The Whispers need us.”

“For what? It’s over.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Margo asks. “Is this what Dez would want? This version of Renata Convida? The rebellion doesn’t die with him.”

“All the more reason to stay,” I practically shout. I do know what he wanted. Dez always walked around with his heart for the world to see. “To complete his mission.”

“It was Illan’s decision.” Sayida tries to comfort me. “He gave the order.”

But her words are far, far from comforting. Dez didn’t die because I wasn’t fast enough. He died because I stole the key to his freedom.

I cannot return to the Moria. I don’t belong with them. As a child, I wanted to please my palace captors. I caused the deaths of hundreds, thousands, and turned hundreds more into Hollows. But I didn’t belong in the palace either. I don’t belong anywhere.

Deep in my heart I know there’s one thing I can do to make things right. I can make sure that Dez’s murder was not in vain. Somehow, I have to get into the palace and finish what he started.

“We can’t even bury him,” I say. The end of my words gets caught in my chest and I take deep breaths to steady myself. Behind my closed eyelids I can see my fingers reach for a strand of black hair. The hesitation. I couldn’t even bring myself to touch him because I’m a coward.

The other three don’t say anything. They just stare back at me, pity in their eyes. Except for Margo, who seems to look at me with disdain.

“We’re mourning him, too,” she says, her eyes sharp as sapphires in this light.

Trying to ignore them, I pour myself a glass of water from a metal pitcher in the corner. My body craves food, but I can’t bring myself to take a piece of bread.

“Two days’ time,” Esteban says. His eyes sweep the small hidden room. “That’s how long Nan can give us. Then we head back to ángeles.”

We’re supposed to be a unit, but we aren’t. We’re a bunch of broken pieces trying to fit with one another because we don’t belong anywhere else. That isn’t a reason to stay together.

“Be safe on your journey,” I say, finally. “Trust no one, not even our allies. Make straight for ángeles.”

Sayida frowns. “You’re really not coming with us?”

I shake my head. This is my burden, and I can only carry it alone. If we go in a group, Justice Méndez will suspect something is wrong. A plan moves in my head, stacking and restacking what needs to happen in order to be in the right place at the right time. Justice Méndez is my way to the weapon and to Castian. But Sayida won’t give up on me, so I must give her a reason to.

“You can’t think I’d be welcomed back with open arms? After all I’ve done? You’ve said it yourself, Margo, Esteban—I should never have been on this mission. I should have stayed rummaging through the garbage where I belong.”

Margo makes an ugly scowl I didn’t think was possible. “I shouldn’t have said those words to you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s done.” I practically spit out the words. “Even you three can barely stand me on a good day. And now this is all my fault—”

“It’s not—” Sayida tries to protest again.

“Don’t say things you don’t know,” I respond shortly, ignoring the wounded expression that flashes across her face. I look deep into her eyes, daring her not to look away. “Without Dez, there’s no reason for me to stay with you.”

“You don’t mean that,” Sayida says.

Margo crosses her arms over her chest, long wheat curls tumbling down her back. “Of course she does.”

“Very well,” Esteban says. “You’d be a burden to shoulder with your weak, simpering whining.”