Incendiary (Hollow Crown #1)(23)

“You know me better than that,” I say. Straining my senses, I think I detect a small shift of dark against dark. My oil lamp is a tiny flicker, no better than a firefly here. The metal handle squeaks. The next step I take crunches on dead leaves and rocks.

“I thought I taught you to be stealthier.” His voice floats to me from somewhere behind a thicket of alder trees. “You’ll wake the dead with that heavy tread of yours.”

“A heavy tread for a heavy heart.” I wait a beat, then I lunge, ready to grab him. Instead, I grab a fistful of air.

“Share your burden with me, Ren.”

“I can’t.”

I feel him move in the dark, the slightest breeze in my hair. There’s leather and the bitter scent of smoke that has seeped into our clothes. He’s right behind me, but I don’t turn. He wraps his arms around me. My heart jolts like a stroke of lightning, right down to my belly button, as Dez’s warmth is at my back. Every time, it’s always the same—a spark that singes straight through me.

“Maybe you’re not as good a teacher as you think considering you fell asleep during your own watch.”

“I was thinking with my eyes closed.” His chuckle is muffled as he lets go, and a chill tickles my skin where his hands just were. “Besides, I set traps, remember?”

For the first time I realize there’s a blanket rolled under his arm. “What’s this?”

“I thought you might get cold.” He threads his fingers through mine. My desire to be alone with my thoughts wars with my need to be with Dez.

In the flickering shadows of my oil lamp, I can make out his sharp jaw and a week’s worth of stubble that makes him look older than he is. The worry mark on his forehead is prominent, and for a moment, I have a tiny bit of insight into the man he could be one day. A great man. A beloved leader. Mine.

Then his smile is gone, and the weight of what’s to come hangs heavy between us.

“Why are you out here?” he whispers, stepping so close I feel his warmth radiating.

I keep walking along the river, knowing if we’re approaching one of his traps, he’ll warn me. “You know I can’t sleep. I thought you’d be used to it by now.”

“You always surprise me, Ren,” he says, and manages to look boyish when he smiles. “Like today. It was the first time this trip I didn’t think you, Margo, and Esteban would rip one another’s throats out.”

I laugh, and a bird answers. “They’re afraid. Fear makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. Like share a drink with someone they despise.”

“Things like take long walks in the dark?” he offers.

We stop near the riverbank on a flat stretch of grass. The half-moon above makes the rushing river look like a shot of silver cleaving a path across the rocky forest. I set the oil lamp on a small boulder, and he smooths out the blanket. We sit side by side facing the running water.

“I know these woods better than any of the king’s guard,” I say. “Better than you, even.”

He takes my gloved hand in his. “You’ve never told me that.”

“I was born just outside of here. It’s been so long, but I think I could find my way home. If there was a home to return to.”

He sighs, eyes full of sympathy. “I’m sorry. It can’t be easy for you when we reminisce about our parents.”

What do I remember of them? I know my father used to hunt in the Forest of Lynxes. I can’t picture his face, but sometimes when I look in the mirror, I remember a voice that says, You look like him, you know. But I’m not always sure if it’s my mother’s voice or someone else’s.

“Can I tell you something terrible?” I say.

He sits up to face me, his eyes searching and waiting for me to speak. Part of me wants to take back the question, because I don’t want to say it aloud.

“When I hear others talk about their parents, the first person that comes to mind is Justice Méndez.”

Dez averts his eyes, a deep frown in his brow, but his words are soft. “That man took you from your home. He used you—”

“As a weapon,” I say, taking his face in my hands. “I know. I thank the goddess every day that the Whispers came for me. Who would I be if I had never left? A monster. A killer.”

“You would still be Renata Convida.” He presses a kiss on my jaw, then pulls back to watch me blush, even in the dark. “You would still be my Ren.”

“I don’t know that. All I know is that he’s connected to this weapon. And I can’t ever see him again, or I don’t know what I’d do.”

My heart is racing as Dez pulls me close. Everything about him is warm. “You won’t ever have to do that. I promise. I’ll kill him myself. For you. For everything he’s done. I will end the Arm of Justice.”

I don’t want to turn Dez into a vengeful thing. Besides, if Justice Méndez was gone, one of his underling judges would be waiting to take the title.

“That isn’t what I want for you.” I brush his hair from his eyes. Maybe it’s because we’ve grown up together and fought side by side that I know him better than I know myself, but there’s something there. I’ve had this feeling wedged beneath my skin since we received our orders to hide in this forest. His promise to kill Méndez has a certainty none of our other missions have. It’s like he knows something we don’t. “You’ve been holding something back since we recovered the alman stone.”