Incendiary (Hollow Crown #1)(116)
I explain what happened in the Forest of Lynxes, when Prince Castian captured Dez. I explain about sleeping by the riverbank, how I was trying to calm Dez’s sleep. There’s a fury of whispers. I’ve been waiting for that blame. It is Illan who silences it with the beat of his cane on the stone floor. I tell them how I wanted revenge after seeing Dez die. When I describe Lozar’s memory, I choke on my words. The elders’ surprise shows on their faces. They didn’t know Lozar was still alive, but were aware of other Moria in the cells.
I continue with my plot to spy in the palace, to go undercover and find the weapon. Everything I saw in the court. It is like baring my scars to them all, and despite the snarls or disinterested stares of others, this tightened, suffocating weight around my heart begins to come undone.
The elders are infuriatingly still until Illan leans forward, tenting his trembling fingers. “What do you want us to do, Renata?”
“Retain a small unit to find and destroy the weapon and retreat with what is left of the Whispers.”
“Retreat?” Octavio asks sharply.
“What do you call what we’ve been doing?” I ask. “Puerto Leones isn’t safe anymore. The king will amass his forces. He’ll use the weapon. We won’t be able to hide this time if he can detect our magics.”
“He’ll be weakened by the news of Méndez—”
“Prince Castian will have Méndez replaced!” I shout.
“I for one am not satisfied with what you gathered while frolicking around the palace,” Filipa says.
“We have to leave,” I shout, anger bubbling in my throat. I empty my pockets and set the rubies from the gloves on the table. “These will buy everyone passage to Luzou or the Icelands. Six Heavens, it would buy us a new ship! We have one final safe house. We have one last chance to save this rebellion.”
“How are you going to board this ship and also get to the weapon, Renata?” Illan asks me, his eyes unwavering.
“I’m not going to board the ship. I’m staying to finish this. I request a unit to help me. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a one-way mission, and I understand if you’d rather stay, but I’m going to finish what Dez started. What you started, Illan.”
“I see,” he says, his fingers shaking as he sits back into his chair. “We will take what you have told us into consideration. Wait outside for a moment.”
“But—”
“Please, Ren,” Illan says, and there’s a weakness in his voice that tugs deep in my chest. He already looks defeated.
I storm out of the room and head for a place that reminds me of Dez. One of my own memories floods my mind as my feet carry me there. In the small grove behind the cloisters, there’s a waterfall that empties out into a basin. This was Dez’s favorite place in ángeles. Illan used to say that his son must have been born part fish because he could spend hours swimming. I run there now because it feels like the only way I can be close to him, and I need him now more than ever.
“They would have listened to you.” I speak to his memory and stare at the water for so long that I don’t realize I’m not alone until a foot snaps a branch.
“I knew I’d find you here,” Illan says. His voice reminds me of someone trying to carry a great, heavy load and running out of breath. “The last time Dez was here I had a fit trying to get him to put his clothes on.”
I can’t help what I do next, but in the middle of all this sorrow, all this confusion and anger, the image of Illan desperately trying to dress Dez makes me double over in laughter. These are the only muscles I haven’t used in a long while, and it hurts to laugh this hard. “He always loved attention.”
My laughter stops, my voice caught in my throat.
“I know what you meant to him, and what he meant to you. I saw it and I worried, but Dez was always in control of his own decisions, his own heart.”
“I’m so sorry I took him away from you,” I say. “I’m going to make this right. Please, you have to make the council listen.”
“My dear Renata.” I hate the way he says that because Méndez said it the same way. “That’s what I came to tell you. The council has agreed to go through with your plan.”
A part of me didn’t believe that they would ever agree with anything that I had to say. “And the mission?”
“You already have volunteers.” He stands, his body so slender it’s like he’s disappearing before my eyes. “There’s something I want to show you before you go.”
Tears spring to my eyes. I don’t think I can store any more memories. My head is too full. My thoughts unruly.
“Good, because I have questions.”
He only takes a few paces toward a willow tree that hangs low near the waterfall. With his cane he taps a polished stone I didn’t notice before. It could be just another stone, but there’s a name etched into it. Andrés.
I have so much I want to say. Why did Illan never tell us he knew Queen Penelope? What would he say if I ask him about the memory I found in the garden? But then my thoughts return to Dez. I want to tell Illan that I loved his son. I want to tell him that I’m going to make him proud. That I owe him my life. This fight isn’t over. I’m going to end it.
But I can’t say any of that.