In a Book Club Far Away(54)

Soon after giving birth, Adelaide had forgotten all about the trauma, which was superseded by the priorities of motherhood. She’d forgotten it, anyway, until now, when she was again in a hospital, with a second surgery after a first failed one. Now, when she felt all the consequences of single motherhood, of what was like a single marriage. Yes, she had all the trappings of marriage: support, love, financial backing, and yet, she didn’t have the most important part—her husband.

Adelaide wanted more. But to say it aloud would make her sound selfish. She’d grown up with a mother who’d endured this life with ease, and Adelaide saw this role as its own brand of heroism. By admitting she found it lacking sometimes—it would make her less of the Army wife she aspired to be.

Now, all she could do was look at the phone in deliberation. Should she answer it? The last time she’d spoken to her husband, she was still a little out of it on pain meds before emergency surgery, but she was thinking clearly now. A lot had happened in the last three days, and it wasn’t just her physical recovery. It was the realization that came afterward, and what she would need to tell him.

In a brief interlude of bravado, she snatched the phone off the nightstand and clicked on the green button. “Hello.”

Matt’s voice was haggard. “Adelaide. Damn it. Gah, I’m sorry. I’m just… I am literally about to go out of my mind. Why won’t you speak to me?”

Adelaide felt his panic; she could see his face as he spoke, and a wave of guilt crashed upon her. “I’m sorry, babe.”

“Don’t I’m sorry me, because now I’m wondering what’s going on. And don’t tell me it’s medical, because I know that’s not it. Whatever it is, just say it instead of letting me sit here in another country to try to sort out where I went wrong.”

Matt’s stress level had always come first. And she didn’t think this was some sort of martyrdom—it was the truth. Not only was he the breadwinner, but in the entire scheme of their world, as dramatic as that sounded, her stress paled in comparison to his. Her entire mission up to this point was to grow and keep a family. She wasn’t sure how to explain that she had reached her limit when she had lived such a privileged life.

“Baby?” Matt prodded, taking her from her thoughts.

“I… want to revisit us.”

She heard him gasp and then realized that might have been the wrong way to start the conversation.

“What I mean is, Matt… I don’t know if we want the same things, for the future.” Then, she winced, because that was worse. “Oh my goodness. This isn’t coming out right.”

“Adelaide.” Matt’s voice was serious now. Somber. “Please. Please just come out with it.”

Adelaide shut her eyes and took a deep breath. She counted to three. “I don’t think that I want to have another baby.”

His answer came quickly. “Well, of course not. You’ve got to recover. I would never force it. Babe, we have time. There’s no reason to rush.”

“What I mean is—I don’t want to have any more babies.” She took another breath. “I know this isn’t something you want to hear. But I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

“A while…?” His voice trailed off.

“I wasn’t completely sure until… until all this… mess here. I had been getting hints but not truly understanding what I needed. And now I do.”

“I thought that us waiting to have a baby had everything to do with me”—his voice croaked into a sob—“being away. That’s it, right? You don’t want more kids with me because I’m always gone?”

“That’s part, though not all of it. There’s something more, deeper.”

“And what’s that?”

“I… I don’t know. I’m still processing it myself. Are you mad, Matt?”

“No.” His answer was definite and clear. “No, I’m not mad. I’m not here to pressure you, Adelaide, but I guess I have to be honest and say that I’m a little sad to think about our family being complete. And I’m confused because I feel a little sideswiped. But no, not mad.”

“Okay.”

“But it doesn’t change how I feel about you, or our family, or Genevieve. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean we can’t talk to each other. The worst of all this, for me, was not hearing from you. I was falling apart over here. I was worried—”

“I don’t want you to worry.”

“I… of course I worry about you. Because I miss you, and I love you. You’re my best friend. Even if you’re sitting on some beach somewhere having a margarita, I’ll still worry.” He inhaled. “What can I do, from here?”

“I don’t know. We can just keep talking, I guess.”

A knock sounded at the door, and a nurse hovered by the entrance. The day shift had commenced, and this new nurse’s demeanor was fresh and awake. “Just checking in, Mrs. Wilson-Chang.”

Adelaide nodded. “Matt, I have someone—”

“I know.” His voice was tender. “Just give me a call later, okay? We need to keep talking. Love you, babe.” Matt hung up without listening for her answer. Inside, Adelaide felt a mix of pain and relief. But she slapped an imaginary Band-Aid on it, pressed her hair in place, and once again smiled. She nodded for the nurse to come in.