I'd Give Anything(68)

I said, “Boundaries can be good. The straight and narrow can be good. Harris was kind and steady and knew the value of boundaries.”

“It sounds like he made you feel safe,” said Gray.

“He did. We weren’t a good match, not really. But by the time I woke up to that fact, we were married and had Avery.” I smiled at my daughter. “My gorgeous, smart, sleepless, funny girl.”

“Thanks, Mom,” said Avery, blushing and fiddling with her napkin.

“Okay,” broke in CJ. “But none of that changes the fact that you let Gray down. His dad died and you just turned your back on him like you’d never even been friends.”

“CJ,” said Gray.

“No,” I said. “He’s right. Somehow, the thing with Trevor just flattened me. I shouldn’t have let it. I’d always felt so fearless and strong, and then, I just—sank. But I’ve thought over and over again for all these years that there had to have been a moment when I could’ve rallied, turned it around, and I missed it. So, yes, CJ, I should’ve fought harder to be there for Gray and for all of you. I’ll never stop being sorry.”

CJ looked taken aback, as if he hadn’t expected me to admit I’d done wrong, and then his expression shifted into one I recognized: CJ processing, his eyes narrowed, his lips tucked in, his jaw muscles twitching ever so slightly. I used to love watching CJ process.

“Maybe you should, though,” said Gray. “It seems like it could be time for all of us to stop being sorry and move on.”

I thought about that, what it would be like to let go of the regret I’d been harboring for all of my adult life. I wasn’t sure I knew how, but it seemed like a useful skill to try to learn.

Evan had been quiet all evening, but now he said, “The four of you have been carrying around all this stuff—grief and grievances and secrets—for so many years, and all the time, there’s been some person out there carrying around the true story of who set that fire.”

“That kid,” said CJ. “The public school guy people saw drinking behind the shed. Everyone knew he did it. Well, I guess not you, Ginny, since you thought it was Trevor. But everyone else knew.”

“They never arrested him,” said Gray.

“Yeah, but he did it,” said CJ. “I saw him, remember? He ran by me. He must have been on his way to set the fire.”

Kirsten looked at CJ with surprise and said, “Back then, you weren’t so sure it was him.”

CJ flushed. “Not a hundred percent sure. Not sure enough for the cops. But he was a troubled guy. Everyone knew it. He was drunk and making threats against our school. If you want to know what happened go ask Daniel York.”

“Oh, that was his name,” said Kirsten. “I’d forgotten.”

“Mom,” said Avery.

“I know,” I told her.

“What?” said Kirsten. “No secrets allowed.”

“Ha,” said CJ. “That’s funny.”

I cleared my throat. “Here we go,” I said to Avery, who gave me her best “you can do this” smile.

“He didn’t do it,” I said. “I know him. And by that I mean not just that I’ve met him but that I truly know him. I know his heart, Daniel York’s heart. He is the best person I’ve ever met, and he didn’t set that fire.”

No one moved, and I heard Kirsten gasp.

“Not the dog park guy?” she said.

“Yes. I didn’t know until the night of your engagement party,” I said. “He came over after everyone was gone, but then Trevor stopped by unexpectedly and recognized him. But he didn’t do it.”

“Wait,” said CJ. “You’re saying you’re involved with this guy?”

“I am,” I said. “Very.”

“Perfect,” said CJ. “That’s just perfect.”

“Listen, all those years ago, I didn’t trust my instincts. I heard Trevor tell my mother he’d done this horrific thing, and my first thought was ‘No. No way.’ I knew he didn’t do it, but then, I wavered and doubted and rationalized and second-guessed, all in the name of facing the truth. And the truth turned out to be a lie. I know Daniel didn’t set the fire. Trust me on that.”

“We’re supposed to exonerate him because you say so?” scoffed CJ. He tossed his napkin onto the table.

In the silence that followed, my heart did a little sinking.

It doesn’t matter, I tried to tell myself. It would be nice if they would accept that Daniel didn’t do it, but you don’t need their approval. You really, really don’t.

Then, Kirsten said, “I’m in.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” said CJ.

“Zinny’s say-so is enough for me.” Kirsten was answering CJ, but she was looking at me. I felt so grateful I could have climbed across the table to kiss her.

“Plus,” said Kirsten. “It was high school. Remember high school?”

“I do,” said Avery, wearily.

Kirsten smiled at her. “There were also rumors that I’d had sex with the entire starting lineup of the boys’ basketball team.”

“Which was ridiculous,” I said. “Since all the cutest boys rode the bench.”