I'd Give Anything(61)

“So you know what I mean. And the thing is you start to believe your own hype. So it took me a long time to think of myself as smart, even though I knew I always got good grades. But Ms. Holt is one of the people who thought I was intelligent. And, like, capable. So when she recommended me for the internship, I was surprised but also happy. And when I started last summer, it was awesome to walk into a new place, where no one knew me. I could be who I wanted to be.”

“I can see how that would be nice,” said Avery.

“I worked super hard and tried to represent myself as mature and professional with interesting ideas, and it worked. I’d feel so good walking into that building every morning in the summer. I didn’t even care that I didn’t have time for parties or the beach or whatever.”

Cressida stopped and looked down at her hands in her lap. Avery noticed that Cressida’s nails were bitten, and she felt the shakiness again and something else, like protectiveness. For Cressida. For the girl who had wrecked Avery’s family.

“Your dad saw me the way I wanted people to see me. Or I thought so. He was nice. He asked my opinion about important issues. He told me I had exceptional talent and potential. And then he arranged for my internship to extend past the summer.”

“Oh,” said Avery. She wanted to say more, to tell Cressida that her dad was nice. He was just what Cressida had described: a person who saw the good in people, who lifted them up and made them see the good in themselves. But she could tell by Cressida’s face that she was getting to the hard part of the story.

“And he arranged for me to be paid.” Cressida lifted her chin, defiantly. “But that’s it; that’s the only money I ever took from him, and I didn’t even ask for it. I would’ve worked weekends for free, just because I liked it and because it would look good on my college applications.”

“Okay,” said Avery.

“It wasn’t like things got weird overnight. It happened gradually. He started to send me these really long emails and not just during work hours. I’d get to school and check, and he would’ve sent one at like three in the morning. He never said anything obviously inappropriate.”

“That’s good,” said Avery, in a small voice.

Cressida shook her head. “But they got weird. Just the tone of them. And he’d go on and on and on about how gifted I was, but also about a connection he felt with me.”

Avery felt sick. She felt like shouting at Cressida to stop. But she’d come seeking truth, and even though Cressida might not be telling the truth, Avery needed to hear her story, all of it.

“He’d say it was uncanny how in tune with each other we were. He said I understood him better than anyone else at the company. Once, he said it was as if I could read his mind. And he’d remember every stupid little thing I’d say. Like once, I said I liked oatmeal raisin better than chocolate chip cookies, and a week later, he brought me some cookies from a bakery. He said he was in a bakery thinking of me and the cookies just called out to him to buy them. Why was he thinking of me at a bakery?”

Cressida sounded like she might cry. Avery sat very, very still and didn’t answer.

“You just don’t think it could be happening, you know? That a guy older than your dad, and one who’s been so nice to you, is paying you the wrong kind of attention. I loved working at that place. I didn’t want to believe something bad was happening there. But then he asked me to lunch. I shouldn’t have gone. But I’d just sent my application to my early decision school and was really nervous about it, and your dad said he knew someone at the school and could maybe pull some strings. He invited me to lunch to discuss it.”

“You should’ve said no,” said Avery.

Cressida threw her hands into the air.

“No kidding! Don’t you think I wish I had? Listen, are you sure you want me to keep telling you this stuff?”

No, no, no, no.

“Yes,” said Avery.

“Fine. He took me to this fancy vegan place because I had mentioned one time that I was a vegetarian. And he didn’t say a word about the college thing.”

She paused, and Avery saw that she had tears in her eyes.

“He said he was sure I knew by then that he had feelings for me. He said he’d tried to fight them off because of our age difference, but they were too strong. And he said—”

A sob escaped Cressida’s throat, and for a moment she covered her face with her hands.

“He said he knew I probably would not want a full-fledged relationship with him, but that he’d be willing to take anything I could give him, even if it were just an hour or two once in a while. An hour or two. Like I was some kind of—”

She broke off, crying openly.

Finally, she mostly stopped crying and dabbed at her eyes with her fingers.

“I felt so gross and humiliated. And stupid. I felt so fucking stupid because he probably didn’t mean any of those things about me being talented and special, and I had believed him. I had felt so good about myself. That’s pathetic, isn’t it?”

“No,” said Avery. “I bet he meant what he said.”

Cressida blinked at Avery, her eyes wide and confused, like a little kid’s. “You do?”

“But even if he didn’t, that doesn’t mean you’re not talented or special. He doesn’t get to decide that.”