I Am Watching You(48)

Finally, Lily turns to her strange new friends and asks them to leave her and Sarah alone.

‘You really sure about this?’ Moon is speaking very softly, staring right into Lily’s eyes, and Sarah is certain now that they are lovers.

‘Yes. I’m fine. I’ll come and fetch you if I need you.’

Once they have all finally left the room, Lily closes the door and returns to sit opposite Sarah.

‘What is this place, Lily? The way you dress now. The way you are. I don’t like it and I don’t understand it. I mean, we’re sisters and yet you don’t seem to want anything to do with me anymore.’

‘It’s not that.’

‘Well – what then? I mean, my best friend disappeared a year ago. She could be dead for all we know. And you’ve hardly been in touch.’

‘I’m sorry. I should have done more. You’re right. I am sorry. Look. I was in a bad way when I came here, Sarah. I needed space. I needed to get strong myself and to find a way to stay strong.’

They sit quietly for a while, and Sarah is thinking back to the scenes just before Lily bolted and her parents split. All the door slamming. The shouting, and worse: the words, spat more than whispered, behind closed doors. No one telling her what was going on. Their mother in such a state.

And next she is thinking of that awful scene with her father.

I just need to check if you are grown up enough . . .

She is trying to remember the timing more precisely. When was that? A few months before it all blew up? Yes. About that. The reason that she felt so very confused about the separation. Missing the dad she had always loved as a small girl, but also glad that he was gone, which made her feel guilty and confused and wretched.

‘Why did Dad really leave, Lily?’

‘Why do you think he may have had something to do with Anna? Why would you suddenly think that? Why would you say that?’

‘Because I’ve had a whole year to worry about it. And I think we both know why the two might be connected.’

Lily’s hand is shaking now, and Sarah cannot take her eyes off it. Her sister uses the other hand to pull down her sleeve and Sarah is remembering the other scenes at home. When Lily had started to skip school and to hurt herself. Digging at her arms with a compass from her maths set.

‘Dad did something funny to me once, Lily. I have never ever told anyone – not Mum, not Anna. No one. And I don’t even know what exactly it was or if I made too much of it. But it wasn’t right what he did, and it’s been going round and round in my head ever since all this business with Anna. And I need to know if you think I am mad, being suspicious about why Dad left. Mum has always point-blank refused to talk to me about it and I just thought he had an affair and hurt her. But I need you to tell me—’

‘Oh my God, Sarah. Did he really hurt you, too?’ There is complete shock now on Lily’s face, and tears forming in her eyes.

‘Not really hurt hurt.’ Sarah pauses and looks away. ‘He touched me. It wasn’t right . . .’

‘Oh Jesus. When was this? More than once?’

‘No. Just once. A few weeks before he left.’

Lily stands and paces to the window, turning to look out and then suddenly back at Sarah, her face dark.

‘I should have gone to the police. Oh God, I am so very sorry, Sarah.’

‘What do you mean, you should have gone to the police? What for?’

‘Dad is not a good man, Sarah. He . . .’ Her right hand moves across to grip the beads around her left wrist, turning the larger ones around and around. ‘Look. He did things to me. Often. I was too afraid to tell anyone.’ All agitation, she moves to sit again. Leans forward. ‘But then it got much worse and I was afraid he would hurt you too. I thought I was protecting you. So I told Mum – that he came into my bedroom. After we moved to the new house. But she just wouldn’t believe me.’

‘You told Mum? She knew?’

‘Yeah. I thought she would go straight to the police, but she just told Dad and he said . . .’ A long pause. Lily is now desperately plucking at the beads around her wrist. ‘He said that I was lying because I was attention-seeking; that I was screwed in the head and that it was all nonsense to distract from me skipping school. That I needed help – to see a shrink maybe.’

Sarah now has both hands up to her own mouth.

Lily wipes the tears falling onto her cheeks. ‘So in the end I said that if Dad didn’t leave, I would go to the police myself and report him.’

Sarah looks at the floor.

‘I see now that I should have done that. Gone to the police. I am so, so sorry, Sarah. I just wanted it to end and I honestly thought it would spare you if he just left. I didn’t realise he’d already . . . Anyway, he did go, but Mum still didn’t believe me and wouldn’t forgive me so I came here and I was in this really terrible state.’

Sarah now looks around the room, narrowing her eyes and thinking of them all. Moon and Rainbow and Waterfall . . .

‘So what is this place, Lily? These people?’

‘I found out about it through a helpline. Caroline offers it for people who – after this kind of stuff.’

‘So all these people – Moon and the others . . .’

Lily just nods, and Sarah is shocked, regrouping and walking again through the scenes. Moon coming in from the garden. Shaking hands. Worried eyes.