I Am Watching You(12)

Over and over she had told the police and her parents that it was all vicious lies. Have sex in a toilet? With a complete stranger? What did they think she was? How dare they.

But later Sarah had panicked. What if the TV show led to more witnesses? The whole case had gone quieter since the immediate aftermath of Anna’s disappearance. And of course she wanted people to help the police; of course she wanted Anna to be found. She just didn’t want anyone to find out the truth about her part in it all. Not that. Please not that . . .

‘Do you think we had better get the doctor again? Maybe a consultant? See what he thinks?’

‘I’m following the doctor’s very specific instructions. Please try not to worry. Sarah has stopped vomiting and it’s best we try to get her to take in some fluids herself. Trust me. It’s best for her. Then we can get a better idea of where we are.’

‘And what does “where we are” mean?’ Sarah’s mother is all agitation.

‘Shut up.’ Sarah cannot help herself. Barely a whisper. ‘Just shut up, will you? All of you.’

‘There we are. Good girl, Sarah. Come on, then. Let’s try opening your eyes and then we can see if we can sit you up a little bit, yes? We should have the test results back soon. Let you know how you’re doing. But it would be a great help—’

‘I don’t know how many I took. Right? I just don’t know.’

‘I think we should just leave her. Please.’ Sarah’s mother begins to cry, and Sarah can feel tears forming on her own face. She wishes Lily were here, but cannot say this to her mother. Yet another taboo subject.

‘I’m sorry . . .’

‘You have nothing to be sorry for, my darling. It’s going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. I promise you. Everyone sends their love. Anna’s parents. Jenny and Paul and Tim and everyone. They just want you to get well.’

Sarah closes her eyes. Not true, is it? Truth is, they blame her. They’d said as much.

The night before the wretched TV programme they had all got together, supposedly for moral support, but it had all gone badly wrong. Spiralled down and down into this ugly place until there was a shouting match. The two boys really angry. Jenny crying.

The thing was, they were all supposed to go to London. All five of them. Anna and Sarah to celebrate the end of GCSEs and school uniform, and the older ones for fun. But it was like everything they tried to do. People were so flaky.

When they were little it was very different. The age gap never seemed to matter. Jenny and the two boys were two years ahead in school – but so what? Then in secondary school, when the older ones got part-time jobs, everything changed. They had more money suddenly. They wanted to do different things. And they started bailing on plans.

Sarah hated all the change. She especially hated people flaking out on things, and she spat out her anger in the row.

If you hadn’t all been so selfish. Made other plans. Maybe I wouldn’t have been trying to look after Anna in London on my own.

Paul had caved on the trip first. Offer of a week in Greece. Villa with a pool with his parents. Tim bailed next. Mad keen on walking. He was offered a trekking week in Scotland and wanted to see the Loch Ness Monster museum. Also didn’t fancy being the only bloke on a girls’ trip.

And then Jenny had the offer to see a band with her then boyfriend. And so it was only Sarah and Anna.

You still should have looked after her . . . The boys were both furious. We don’t understand how you got split up . . .

And then Jenny wondering why they didn’t have the usual pact. Watching each other’s back. I mean it was London, for God’s sake . . .

Sarah had wanted them all to shut the hell up. In any case, why was she the one who was expected to look after Anna? Why not the other way round, eh? Because Sarah was from the estate and supposed to be more streetwise? Because Anna could be a bit of a princess? Was that it?

Of course they’d had a pact.

It was Anna who broke it, she shouted at them. All of them. At Tim with his selfish trekking holiday. Paul with his fancy villa. Jenny with her gig. She spat the lie at them just as she had spat it over and over to the police.

We said we would meet at the bar at 2 a.m. for a taxi to go home. She didn’t show . . .

Anna broke the pact. OK? Anna didn’t show . . .

I told you. I told you. I told you . . .

Her mother had tried to calm her about the TV programme. The woman on the train wouldn’t be allowed to make false claims. Not on television. It was libellous. She’s obviously some kind of weirdo . . .

But Sarah was petrified. What if other witnesses now came forward? From the train or from the club.

She remembers her father’s reaction at the Paradise Hotel in London. At first she refused to talk to him. It had been years since he left the family, and she’d refused all contact. But her mother wanted him there with everything that was happening, and he went mental when the DI shared what the witness had said.

You calling my daughter a slut?

And so Sarah had sat at home before the television programme, terrified about what would come out. She was supposed to be going to Jenny’s. To the farmhouse. All of the friends together. But then all the images had started to flash through her mind.

The club. That queasy feeling when she looked at her watch . . .

The row with Anna. Don’t be such a baby . . .