How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America: Essays(28)
OBAMA: Yes, it does.
ROMNEY: This is exactly the kind of apologizing the president of the United States does not need to be doing.
OBAMA: The question was does it hurt, not was I apologizing.
President Obama, would you like to apologize to the families of the civilians our drones have murdered?
OBAMA: We have tried to be as responsible as possible. Have we made some mistakes? Yes. But as commander-in-chief, I take responsibility for all those mistakes.
Would you like to apologize?
OBAMA: That’s too simplistic. A lot of you work in the world of words. I respect that, but I also have to deal in the reality of action. Would you rather Americans flew those warplanes and shot down bad guys?
I think we’d rather our country not kill any more folks who have nothing to do with your beef? Can you commit to doing everything in your power to halt these drone attacks?
OBAMA: My beefs? (under his breath) You a funny-ass nigga. That’s that shit I don’t like.
Governor Romney, I can’t even spell “cosmopolitan” without spell-check and I just got a passport yesterday, so please help me out. How does the only country in the world that has actually used nuclear weapons to kill tens of thousands of people have the moral authority to tell other countries not to develop nuclear weapons?
ROMNEY: Yes.
Yes, what?
ROMNEY: Yes. We are the greatest country in the world and we must do everything in our power to free people from dictators?
OBAMA: I can say it makes sense that the current president of the United States keeps nuclear weaponry out of the hands of reckless leaders.
Wait. What question are y’all answering? Listen for a second. By the time this election is over, you both will have spent more than $6 billion on your elections. The talking heads on Fox, CNN, and MSNBC will have been paid millions and millions of dollars to root for Team Elephant or Team Donkey, while millions of Americans are poor, homeless, and hungry. Is this ethical economic behavior from the supposed best country on the face of the earth?
ROMNEY: Yes.
OBAMA: Yes.
Thank you both for your time. Y’all stay lying, though. For real! How come y’all are never self-critical? Like, never. It’s us, right? The voters, I mean. President Obama, I don’t know how you carry all this shit on your back. I’m so sincere. Most brothers I know can’t keep a checkbook and here you are running a country.
Seriously, I can’t wait to see all the things you do for our people and the world when you’re out of office in 2016. A lot of folks are convinced you never had the black community’s best interest at heart. I ain’t gonna lie. I don’t think I believe that. Is that true?
OBAMA: It’s not true at all. I honestly don’t know how a left-leaning president makes things significantly better for black, brown, and poor Americans. It’s so hard. I don’t know how to do it.
We need half of that defense budget to go toward shit that makes black folks healthier. We need every classroom in predominantly black and brown cities and towns to have no more than a 12:1 student/teacher ratio. We need the best mental health services in the world for our communities. We need to stop throwing brothers and sisters in jail for drugs. We need you to be honest, more than anything. Just be honest, man. I know you know all of this. You just confuse me, man.
If those heartbroken fucks out there don’t find a way to hurt you and your family, you’re going to do so much when you’re free. You ever wonder if you’ll ever be free, though? I mean, thank you for putting the country on your back and taking up the national slack, but the truth is that our unethical, morally suspect nation doesn’t deserve an ethical or moral president. That’s that shit no one admits.
Anyway, thank you for being a slightly better president than the nation deserves, even if you’re unable to be the president that black and brown folks here really need. Think about what would happen if you just quit before your term was up in 2016 because you realized there was no way to be a just and honest American president. I know your heart hurts, man. But maybe you could use your time more effectively if you weren’t president. Think about what I’m saying, okay?
ROMNEY: What about me? I’d like equal time.
You? You were born rich. You will die rich. Help the country by teaching your people how to be just and thoughtful losers. I’m so sincere. Sadly, it’s one of our only hopes. Sharing means that perpetual winners have to be okay losing sometimes. You’re encouraging murder and you don’t even care.
ROMNEY: I want to apologize for going over my allotment, but with all due respect, that’s that shit I don’t like.
Lord have mercy!
Eulogy for Three Black Boys Who Lived
I.
Mama wanted me to love Michael Jackson the way she did, but I couldn’t because all I could see was his work. My mama, a fifty-eight-year-old woman from Forest, Mississippi, grew up looking horizontally at Michael Jackson and his brothers. Mama heard not only the Jackson 5’s work, but also their asphalted African-American journey to artistic, economic, and emotional freedom. As a black girl who moved every summer from Mississippi to Milwaukee with her singing sisters, my mother’s life played country cousin to the contoured place from which the Jackson’s bended notes sprang. Mama moved through the world a virtuosic, curious, confused, defiantly capable black girl in the schizophrenic post–Brown v. Board United States. Like Michael, Mama was the child of two beautiful, always persistent, and often destructive parents.