Hotshot Doc(66)

I break out into a sprint, grab a mask, and slam my hand against the swinging door in time for him to bellow out, “Page a vascular surgeon and get someone up here. NOW!”

Shit. That means he’s nicked an artery. June’s losing blood and every machine in that operating room is blaring at us to do something. I scrub in as quickly as I can then step into a new surgical gown. I shout at someone to tie the back for me and my hands are pushed into sterile gloves. In a few moments, I’m already back at the operating table, grabbing the suction handle from Dr. Mitchell so he can better assist Matt.

“Her anatomy isn’t textbook,” Matt explains to me, to himself, to everyone. “There shouldn’t have been a fucking artery there.”

It’s a tense few minutes while we wait for the vascular surgeon to arrive. I suction as best I can, but then Matt takes over for me, worried I’m not doing enough. They add another unit of blood. People are scrambling, and then finally, the vascular surgeon arrives.

“I’m occluding the ruptured vessel, Dr. Brown,” Matt shouts impatiently as she walks in. “Get over here.”

She’s calm compared to the rest of us, but then I suppose you have to be to go into such an intense specialty.

After a few minutes of working in silence, she assures us confidently, “The vessel is clamped.” Then she twists her head a little to the left so her headlamp better illuminates the surgical site. “You,” she says, speaking to me. “Suction right here until I tell you to stop. Quickly—I need this area clear if I’m going to suture.”

I do exactly what she tells me to and I’m rewarded with a nod.

“I’m surprised you didn’t tackle this yourself, Dr. Russell,” Dr. Brown says as she sutures the tear in the artery. I watch her steady hand, amazed at how meticulous her movements are. “You could have done it.”

“I didn’t want to take any chances with this patient.”

I glance up, trying to meet his eye, but his focus is on June. I understand. We’re still in the middle of battle and there’s a chance—now more than ever—that this won’t work out the way we want it to. This was a toss-up even in the best of circumstances, and now, with this… I don’t let myself finish the thought. I have to stay optimistic.

I think of that girl fighting in the conference room and I try to stay calm for her, try to endure this as bravely as she endured that.





I have a realization during that surgery with Matt, a sort of are-you-a-freaking-idiot slash come-to-Jesus moment. I have this epiphany mostly because there’s a lot of time to think during an eight-plus-hour surgery, a lot of time to take stock of your life and decide whether you like the direction you’re headed in or if you need to change course.

It’s obvious to me now more than ever that the feelings I have for Matt aren’t going to go away just because I’d like them to.

Working with him complicates things because it’s hard to be around a man like Matt and not engage in at least slight hero worship of him. In the operating room, he’s a force to be reckoned with. A little bit of me has a crush on his surgical abilities alone, but the real problem is that outside of the OR, he’s even better. It’s hard to see the good side of Matt because he’s made of tough stuff, grit and ego and many layers of muscle (as evidenced by that towel situation a few days ago), but there’s a lot to love underneath all that. He’s a man who fights for children who can’t fight for themselves, a man who donates his time and money not because he wants notoriety or appreciation but because something inside of him needs to do it. I’m not sure I’ve ever met a more selfless human.

It’s funny because I think if I asked him if he thought he was a nice guy, he’d say no, which is exactly the point. He doesn’t see what I see, and maybe not many people do, but now I can’t un-see it: the real Matt, the soft version of him that cuddled with me on that couch.

Suddenly, I want to be the woman who gets him, in and out of the OR.

I’ve pushed him away from the beginning because by anybody’s standards, it was the safer, better option. A passing crush isn’t worth jeopardizing my career over, but now I’m confident this isn’t just a crush. Now I think I might be stupid if I don’t jeopardize my career for him.

There are other surgical assistant jobs.

There is only one Matt Russell, M.D.





Chapter 24





MATT



I feel exhaustion deep in my bones. I could fall asleep in an instant and stay asleep for a week. I’ve experienced difficult surgeries, but none of them have come close to June’s. I want a celebratory milkshake and a celebratory nap. I’m scrubbing out by myself, collecting my thoughts and trying to convince my body it can calm down. I force another deep breath. The fight is over. June is getting wheeled to a recovery room and in a few minutes, I’ll go to the waiting area and have the privilege of letting her parents know their daughter’s surgery was a success. I’ll skip over the parts where my heart was pounding and serious doubt crept in, when I nicked her artery and clamped my fingers on her vessel to curb blood loss, when I waited with baited breath as we took the final x-ray and measured the curvature of her spine.

Her spine is as it should be, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll regain full function of her lower extremities once the inflammation subsides. The human body is a finicky bitch.