Here I Am by Jonathan Safran Foer(169)
You saw him recently?
JACOB
He came by on Christmas Eve with Chinese food.
JULIA
That’s sweet. How did he look?
JACOB
Enormous. And old.
JULIA
I didn’t even know you were on Propecia. But I guess I wouldn’t know what pills you take anymore.
JACOB
I’ve actually been on it for a long time.
JULIA
How long?
JACOB
Around when Max was born?
JULIA Our Max?
JACOB
I was embarrassed. I kept them with my cummerbund.
JULIA
That makes me so sad.
JACOB
Me, too.
JULIA
Why don’t you just cry, Jacob?
JACOB
Sure thing.
JULIA
I’m serious.
JACOB
This isn’t Days of Our Lives. This is life.
JULIA
You’re afraid that letting anything out will leave you open to letting things in. I know you. But it’s just the two of us. Just you and me on the phone.
JACOB
And God. And the NSA.
JULIA
Is this the person you want to be? Always just joking? Always concealing, distracting, hiding? Never fully yourself?
JACOB
You know, I was hunting for sympathy when I called.
JULIA And you killed it without having to fire a shot. This is what real sympathy is.
JACOB
(after a long beat)
No.
JULIA
No what?
JACOB
No, I’m not the person I want to be.
JULIA
Well, you’re in good company.
JACOB
Before I called, I found myself asking—literally asking aloud, over and over—“Who’s a gentle soul? Who’s a gentle soul?”
JULIA
Why?
JACOB
I guess I wanted proof.
JULIA
Of the existence of gentleness?
JACOB
Gentleness for me.
JULIA
Jacob.
JACOB
I mean it. You have Daniel. The boys have their lives. I’m the kind of person whose neighbors will have to notice the smell for anyone to realize he’s dead.
JULIA
Remember that poem? “Proof of Your existence? There is nothing but”?
JACOB
God…I do. We bought that book at Shakespeare and Company. Read it on the bank of the Seine with a baguette and cheese and no knife. That was so happy. So long ago.
JULIA
Look around, Jacob. There is nothing but proof of how loved you are. The boys idolize you. Your friends flock to you. I bet women— JACOB
You? What about you?
JULIA
I’m the gentle soul you called, remember?
JACOB
I’m sorry.
JULIA
For what?
JACOB
We’re in the Days of Awe right now.
JULIA
I know I know what that means, but I can’t remember.
JACOB
The days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The world is uniquely open. God’s ears are, His eyes, His heart. People, too.
JULIA You’ve become some Jew.
JACOB
I don’t believe any of it, but I believe in it.
(beat)
Anyway, it’s during these ten days that we’re supposed to ask our loved ones to forgive us for all of the wrongs we committed—“knowingly and unknowingly.”
(beat)
Julia—
JULIA
He’s just a dentist.
JACOB
I am so sincerely sorry for any times that I knowingly or unknowingly wronged you.
JULIA
You didn’t wrong me.
JACOB
I did.
JULIA
We made mistakes, both of us.
JACOB
The Hebrew word for sin translates to “missing the mark.” I am sorry for the times that I sinned against you by small degrees, and I am sorry for the times that I sinned against you by running directly away from what I should have been running toward.
JULIA
There was another line in that book: “And everything that once was infinitely far and unsayable is now unsayable and right here in the room.”
The silence is so complete, neither is sure if the connection has been lost.
JACOB
You opened the door, unknowingly. I closed it, unknowingly.
JULIA
What door?
JACOB
Sam’s hand.
Julia starts to cry, quietly.
JULIA
I forgive you, Jacob. I do. For everything. All that we hid from each other, and all that we allowed between us. The pettiness. The holding in and holding on. The measuring. None of it matters anymore.
JACOB
None of it ever mattered.
JULIA
It did. But not as much as we thought it did.
(beat)
And I hope that you will forgive me.
JACOB
I do.
(after a long beat)
I’m sure you’re right. It would be good if I could let my sadness out.
JULIA
Your anger.
JACOB
I’m not angry.
JULIA But you are.
JACOB
I’m really not.
JULIA
What are you so angry about?