Heads of the Colored People(12)
But now I see where Fatima’s delusions of grandeur come from. You are, unfortunately, enabling your child’s arrogance and stifling her growth even at this young age. I write about this very thing in chapter three of my first book, Caution with Coddling.
There is no trouble with my current research or the Institutional Review Board.
Regards,
Lucinda
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OCTOBER 11, 1991
Lucinda,
Christinia may not have notable social anxieties, but that is because she dominates the other children. There has to be some insecurity behind that, perhaps about her size. I heard (and I won’t reveal the source, lest you start harassing her, too, but I can tell you it was not Fatima) that Christinia steals other kids’ lunch scraps from the cafeteria and bullied that poor kid with the unfortunate ears into giving her all of his pepperoni for the next month.
I really hope that in addition to help for her lies and early signs of psychosis, you will get Christinia some help for her weight problem before she ends up—and I say this respectfully, so I hope you won’t be offended in the least—like you. Children do pick these things up from their mothers.
If by your “first book,” you mean your unpublished dissertation, I’ve heard plenty about it and the unsavory circumstances of your defense. Wasn’t Dr. Patel married when he joined your committee and divorced by the end of it? Is that why you say your oldest child, Thaniel, has “good hair” and why Christinia is always bragging about having “Indian in my blood,” despite those naps in her head? I thought she meant a different kind of Indian, but now things are clearer. Does Mr. Johnston know those may not be his children, or is he in on the ruse with Dr. Patel?
Take care,
Monica
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OCTOBER 12, 1991
Monica,
I’m not going to dignify most of your comments with a response.
This will be my last letter, because I can see I’m not going to get anywhere with you; there’s some kind of blockage there that I really think you should explore with a licensed professional, especially if you call yourself a professor. How many generations of college students will go on to harm others because of your bad pedagogy?
It’s funny to me that you would try to reactivate those rumors about my strictly professional working relationship with Dr. Patel, especially since we’ve all heard things about Fatima’s biological father. Let’s see: three kids, two of them with Anglo names, and one with an Arabic one; two kids with Mr. Willis’s features, one kid (Fatima) with a more “African look.” Mathematically speaking, it seems you picked up more on your travels to Africa than those seventies-style caftans you insist on wearing.
To your point about Chrissy’s weight, we are working with a children’s nutritionist who specializes in lymphatic disorders.
At one time I wondered if we were too harsh in recommending that you and your family wait another year before joining our Jack and Jill chapter, but I can see now that we were right. I’m afraid I can never recommend you for our club. You display a volatile combination of residual ghetto and uppity Negress, and that will be your undoing, if Fatima isn’t.
Sincerely,
Dr. Lucinda M. Johnston
Licensed Therapist
Author of Train up a Child
Welcome Wagon, Westwood Primary School
Events Coordinator, Jack and Jill, Claremont Chapter ? ? ?
OCTOBER 13, 1991
Lucinda,
I’m not even going to respond to that.
But I will say that if someone here is uppity, it’s the one of us with two little brats who have run off three au pairs. Who even uses that term? If they’re not French (and I’m pretty sure your cousin Shaquanna isn’t) they’re nannies! Nannies! And if they’re your own relatives, then they’re just babysitters or bums who need a hookup. This bourgieness and the way it keeps you from connecting with your kids is half of your problem; the other half, you probably can’t fix without medication. Good thing you can write prescriptions. Oh wait, you’re not that kind of doctor.
I’ve been forthright about Fatima’s biological father, but I certainly don’t appreciate Christinia’s relentless and uneducated use of the phrase “African booty-scratcher.”
And how can I be “uppity” when I’ve never had any help and started out as a single parent before marrying Jordan? If putting myself through school and becoming the highest-educated person in my family with no help but God’s makes me uppity, then so be it. We are humble people, in spite of our education and finances, and we have more class in our excrement than you have in your whole hamster-murdering family.
And yes, there is a bit of the ghetto still left in me, enough to tell you who can finish the fight if it gets to that point. We’re never too far from Oakland or the Southside.
Let’s keep it real,
Monica
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OCTOBER 13, 1991
Monica,
I do believe that was a threat. The Claremont Police Department will not take this lightly.
While I don’t approve of Chrissy’s use of the term “African booty-scratcher,” she was only stooping to Fatima’s level when she used it. As they say, if the butt itches . . .
I don’t know where you get this “African folklore” Fatima has been spreading around the school, but I should think that no educated person would tell stories of the Mamie Waters who will “snatch you baldheaded” if you go underwater. It took me hours to console Christinia and convince her that her delayed hair growth is unrelated to her swimming lessons or any mythical African mermaids.