He Started It(74)

Made sense to me. And she didn’t run. She even told me how to retie the knot exactly like Grandpa had done. “Just not so tight. Look at those marks.”

True. She had red marks on both wrists from the rope digging into them. I left her enough room to wriggle around a little. I also took my time, because I wanted to talk to her alone. I had finally worked up the courage to tell her that I knew.

“You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” I said.

She stared at me, eyes wide, in a genuine state of shock.

“I saw the test in your bag,” I said. “I wasn’t snooping, I swear. I was just looking for your Discman because Portia was scared and . . .” The words came out in a rush as I tried to explain, tried to not make her mad. “I just saw it.”

She took a deep breath, recovering from the shock, and she said the last words I ever heard from her.

“Don’t. Fucking. Tell. Anyone.”



* * *



–––––

    When we came out of the woods, Grandpa looked at the knot to confirm it was the same. By then, I was starting to feel sleepy. Now I know it was from the pain pills. Back then, I just thought it was because the day had been so long. I bet the pills are what made Grandpa not check close enough. He only looked at the knot; he didn’t check how tight or loose it was.

Though, to be fair, Nikki did a good job of selling it. She grimaced when she moved, like the rope hurt.

It never occurred to me that she would leave. She just disappeared and never returned with help.

I’ve wondered if that was her plan. Maybe she wanted to find a police officer or call our parents or even find a park ranger. But then something happened. Maybe she was hit by a car or kidnapped into a sex-trafficking ring. Maybe she fell and hit her head and ended up with amnesia.

But no, none of that happened.

She’s still out here.

Back then, I didn’t know that. I had no idea what happened to her. As we drove through Oregon, I was worried about her, upset she had left, and I wanted to make sure she was safe. When Grandpa pulled off the road and into a motel, I lost it.

“You can’t stop,” I said. “We have to go to the desert.”

“I can’t drive anymore,” Grandpa said.

“But you have to!” I felt tears in my eyes, falling down my cheeks. They came so fast they surprised me.

“Oh God,” Eddie said, shaking his head at me. I could feel his disappointment and I didn’t care. “She ran away, okay? Nikki always runs away. She can’t deal with life at all.”

Grandpa had apparently decided Eddie was right, because he decided to stop.

Portia was curled up in a ball, next to me on the seat. She had sniffled and cried her way through Oregon, still feeling bad about sprinkling that powder on our cocoa. But not bad enough to hate her sister. “I miss Nikki,” she whispered.

“We should keep going,” I said. “Or call the police.”

“Nikki can’t move any faster than us,” Grandpa said. “If she took a bus, she’ll move even slower. We’ll probably beat her to the desert.”

Normally, I’d look to Nikki for confirmation of a statement like that. Without her, I had to make my own choice. She wouldn’t be able to fly to the desert, I knew that. So it made sense that she’d be on a bus. Would a bus drive through the night? I didn’t know, couldn’t know. And I also couldn’t drive.

I almost told them right then.

Nikki is pregnant.

The words were right on the tip of my tongue, begging to be said. Would it have changed anything? Would Grandpa have called the police? And if we did find her, how angry would Nikki have been that I said something? That was the thing that scared me most. When Nikki was finally back, she would be so pissed at me.

So I said nothing.





We stop right at the border, just like last time. Technically, we’re still in Oregon but we’re close enough to walk into Nevada. The motel is the same. For the first time on this trip, I know for a fact we’re at the same place. First, because there aren’t that many in this area. Second, because of the sign.

“You remember that?” I ask Portia.

She looks up at the giant neon beaver on the sign of the Beaver Dam Inn. “Yeah. Of course.”

I also remember Grandpa lecturing us about the beaver, which is the state animal of Oregon, and how crucial they are to the ecosystem. I didn’t care about any of that. I liked the place because it looked like somewhere Nikki would stay. The big neon animal sign would get her attention.

“How many rooms?” Eddie says.

“One,” Portia says. “We can all fit in one, unless someone wants a room to themselves.”

I looked from one to the other. “Well, is anyone planning to kill me in my sleep?”

Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Too chickenshit for me,” Portia says. “If I kill you, you’ll know I did it.”

One room it is. “I’ll pay.”

Not only do I remember the sign; I remember the office because it was the only one I saw. Grandpa usually checked in, or Nikki, but never me. At the Beaver Dam, Grandpa let me come into the office with him.

It was a small, stuffy room that was too hot and smelled like smoke. The man behind the desk had long hair and a beard but no moustache. It looked weird. He was weird. His eyes were different colors and he looked right past Grandpa instead of at him.