Have You Seen Me?(92)

I smile.

“I’d like that. But . . . maybe down the road a little. I’ve got too much to figure out right now.”

I leave him sitting at the bar and head into the night. I walk for a while, north and west, block after block.

I think I do want to see Damien again, but it’s true, I have so much to figure out first. I need to process the end of my marriage and work through the grief that’s sure to slam me when I’m no longer in shock. To commit fully to working with the new doctor so I don’t relapse. To be there for Roger as he weathers his own marital issues. To make certain my career doesn’t take a back seat in the middle of this.

And something else. I liked Damien’s theory about why I chose to wander around the East Village. Maybe I really do need to reconnect with the part of myself that wants to be less buttoned-up. That secretly craves not being so much of a rule follower.

It’s a beautiful night, I realize. The air is nicely crisp, and there’s a light wind on my face. I pass a small market selling pumpkins out front, both orange and white ones, and pot after pot of mums. I have a sudden recollection from years ago of me and my mother making a list of costume ideas for Halloween. I wanted to be Batman, I told her, and she smiled and said, Perfect.

A free cab shoots by and I almost try to grab it, but don’t. I feel the urge to keep walking. To be a city girl again.

As I wait for a traffic light to change, I think of the financial mantra many businesses live by: “The bottom line is the only line that matters.” In certain contexts, I don’t buy that philosophy, but at this moment in time, it makes sense for me on a personal level. When all is said and done, who do I really want to be? That’s what I need to know.