Have You Seen Me?(44)
I wander into the bathroom, set my cup of lukewarm tea on the stool, and fill the tub with water. I sink in and relish the slight shock of the heat on my skin. The room is dark now, except for the candles I’ve lit, their flames dancing while their woodsy scent seeps through the air.
I do my best to hold all my troubled thoughts at bay, to make my mind a total blank, but it doesn’t work. My fears spill over, as insistently as water gushing from a tear in a hose.
I was missing for two days and still have no clue where I was.
I came home with tissues coated with someone else’s blood.
I lied to the police as a child and now they want to meet with me pronto.
My husband seems awkward around me and I can’t manage to connect with him in our usual way, no matter how hard I try.
My husband wants a baby and I don’t.
I met with my old lover today and my insides are still roiling.
And there’s no guarantee that what happened to me last week won’t happen again.
18
The appointment with the neurologist, at a medical office building in the East Sixties, turns out to be as anticlimactic as I anticipated. He’s in his fifties, I guess, and while not a gold medal winner in the bedside manner category, he’s cordial. He examines me, asks a slew of questions—when I tell him what I do professionally, he chuckles softly and says, “Where were you when I needed you?”—and finally says he doesn’t suspect a physical cause of what he calls my “TGA,” aka “transient global amnesia.”
He does, however, prescribe an MRI to rule out any tissue abnormality or a vascular, strokelike event as the cause.
I leave his office as frustrated as ever, though grateful that at least there doesn’t appear to be something seriously wrong on the physical front. Lucky me: the problem’s all in my head, not in my brain.
Ten minutes later, the Uber I’ve scheduled pulls up in front of the building, and I hop in, bound for Millerstown, New Jersey.
Hugh had been taken aback this morning when I’d announced my plans for the day over breakfast.
“You’re going to Jersey?”
“Uh-huh. Roger and I are having lunch at his house since we had so little time to talk the other day.”
I was whitewashing the reason for the excursion, but, yet again, it didn’t feel like the moment to tell him about the possible reopening of the investigation—and my past deception. Though I’d looked for opportunities later last night, Hugh had kept his nose close to the grindstone and crawled into bed hours after me, staying entirely on his side. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was avoiding physical contact with me.
The driver encounters only a few snarls of traffic leaving the city, and before long we’re barreling west on I-78. I text Hugh an update on the appointment, then call the facility recommended by the neurologist and schedule an MRI on Friday. With that out of the way, I open my laptop and begin drafting my next personal finance column. I’m now a full week behind schedule, but the topic—applying for a mortgage—is one I’m comfortable with, and passionate about. Despite the 2008 financial disaster, people still don’t seem to grasp that the mortgage their bank approves for them isn’t necessarily one they can afford, and I feel obligated to keep shouting that through a megaphone.
For an hour or so, the work does a decent job of distracting me, though my thoughts are eventually dragged back to the interview ahead. I glance out the window to see that the bleak, industrial stretches of New Jersey have now given way to farmland, with distant silver silos gleaming in the sun.
The plan, which Roger and I worked out this morning, is for me to stop by his house for lunch, and then he’ll drive me to the police station and wait until I’m finished. He appar ently lobbied to sit in but was told family members are never allowed unless the subject is underage. Though I wondered at moments whether I should have postponed the interview until I found an attorney to bring along, I’ve finally decided it’s okay that I didn’t. It might signal that I have a cause for concern.
By noon, we’ve reached Millerstown. We turn down a narrow, paved road near the river and bump along past modest houses nestled in trees until we reach my brother’s gorgeous home, set high on an embankment. It’s part stone, part clapboard, with a widow’s walk perched on top.
“Welcome!” Roger calls out as I unfold myself from the Uber and step out onto the driveway at the rear of the house.
The trees, I notice, haven’t changed colors here, either, though there’s an autumnal scent to the air—a mix of woodsmoke, sour apples, and the sweet scent of decaying leaves.
We hug tightly.
“So happy see you, Button,” he says.
“It’s good to be here. Thanks for all your help on this.”
He swings open the large wooden door and gestures for me to enter first. Though it’s called a manor house, his home isn’t ridiculously big—only five large rooms on the ground floor and four bedrooms and an office above. But it has what they call great bones, and Roger has exquisitely renovated and decorated every inch. As usual, the river beckons me to the front of the house. Because of the sunny sky, I’m expecting a serene vista, but the water looks high and vexed today, and it’s moving fast.
“Where’s Marion?” I ask as Roger comes up behind me.
“She ended up having to drive to Princeton to meet a friend whose husband just announced he wants a divorce. But she sends her apologies.”