Hardcore Twenty-Four (Stephanie Plum #24)(17)

I was a block away when Connie called me.

“I’m listening to the police band, and a call just came in about a boa spotted on the three hundred block of Pilkman Street,” Connie said. “Pilkman backs up to the patch of woods by Diggery’s double-wide. If you hurry you could get there ahead of animal control.”

I made an instant U-turn. “I’m on it.”

“I’m not on it,” Lula said. “I’m not in favor of this. Suppose it’s Ethel? Then what? You gonna escort her into your Mercedes and put a seatbelt on her? You gonna talk her into turning around and following you through zombie country, back to Diggery’s place?”

“I’ll think of something.”

“We don’t even have any snake-catching equipment with us. We don’t have one of those loop things you see on the nature channel. We don’t have no rats or chickens or roadkill to feed it. We don’t got a snake cage. I don’t even know what a snake cage looks like. The snakes at the zoo are behind glass.”

“I’ll stun-gun her.”

“Say what?”

“I’ll zap Ethel with my stun gun, load her into the back of the SUV, and take her home to Diggery’s double-wide.”

“Are you nuts?”

“It could work.”

“What about salmonella?” Lula said. “You could get salmonella from touching a snake.”

“I have hand sanitizer in my messenger bag.”





SEVEN


LULA WAS ON the alert when I turned onto Pilkman.

“There’s three women standing on the sidewalk on the next block,” she said. “I’m guessing they’re snake watching.”

I parked near the women, and Lula and I got out. A huge snake was curled up on a patch of grass that served as front yard to a modest bungalow.

“What do you think?” I asked Lula. “Is that Ethel?”

“Hard to tell,” Lula said. “Last I saw her she was draped in a tree.”

“It’s a boa,” one of the women said. “We looked it up.”

“Have you ever seen this snake around here before?” I asked her. “Does anyone in this neighborhood own a snake?”

Everyone shook their head. No one had seen the snake before today.

“Hey! Ethel!” Lula shouted at the snake.

We all took a step closer and looked to see if there was any response.

“It opened an eye,” Lula said. “That’s Ethel all right.”

“Is Ethel your snake?” the woman asked.

“She belongs to someone we know,” Lula said. “And Stephanie here is responsible for bringing her home.”

“It’s an awfully big snake,” one of the other women said.

“Yeah, but Stephanie’s got a plan,” Lula said. “She’s gonna load Ethel into the back of her car. I know that Mercedes looks like a luxury vehicle, but it’s got some muscle, and if we keep Ethel all curled up, we’re pretty sure she’ll fit.”

My heart was beating with a sickening thud. I was terrified of Ethel. And I was repulsed at the thought of touching her.

Okay, I told myself. Attitude adjustment needed. She’s a pet. She’s had a big adventure, and she’ll be happy to go home. And she doesn’t look hungry, so that’s a good thing. Most likely she’s just eaten a beagle, and she’s feeling sleepy. No reason to be afraid. And probably she feels good to the touch. You wouldn’t have a problem if she was a pair of cowboy boots, right?

I inched closer, telling myself to stay calm. I circled around to Ethel’s tail and took a deep breath. I reached down to touch her, and she tensed, raised her head, and looked at me. I stumbled back and paused for a moment, relieved that I hadn’t soiled myself.

“Maybe you shouldn’t get so close,” one of the women said. “Maybe you should wait for animal control.”

“No worries,” Lula said. “Stephanie knows what she’s doing. Besides, Ethel’s just saying hello.”

Ethel was uncurling and moving toward me, eyes wide open, forked tongue out. I didn’t see any lumps in her body that would indicate the presence of an undigested beagle, and I was thinking I might be wrong about her not being hungry. I had pepper spray in one hand and my stun gun in my other hand, and I had no idea if either would have any effect on a boa.

“You grab her, and I’ll go open the back door,” Lula said.

“Here’s the deal,” I said to Ethel. “I promised Diggery I’d sort of take care of you while he was locked up. So I have to get you back to the double-wide. And that means I have to get you into my car. And that means I have to immobilize you a little. I swear to God, it’ll be okay, and after I get you home I’ll bring you a pizza. It’s the best I can do because the rats got all eaten.”

Ethel lunged at me, and I gave her a bunch of jolts with the stun gun. She shuddered and twitched, her head hit the ground, and she didn’t move.

“What did you do?” one of the women said. “Is she dead?”

“She’s stunned,” I said.

I wrapped my hands around Ethel’s tail and tried to pull her toward the car, but it was like moving a fifty-pound sandbag.

“I need help,” I said. “I can’t move her all by myself.”