Gun Shy(95)
Fall in love with the strong.
Share your life with someone who is going to make you face your storms, not hide from them.
I will never be able to forgive myself for not being able to give you the life you deserved but know that I loved you with all my heart and in the end, it was YOU and only you on my mind. You are the greatest gift I’d ever received. Only accept those in your life who feel exactly that same way.
I’m hoping the contents of this box might help you get to know me better, and maybe along the way, you might learn more about yourself. Take my secrets and make them your own.
I love you, my sweet girl, and I’ll keep loving you from now until forever.
You made every single unbearable day on this earth worth every single second and more.
I’m so sorry.
-Mother
ANYONE ELSE WOULD PROBABLY BE in tears after reading a letter from their recently deceased mother, but I was too confused.
Too angry.
How dare she tell me to be brave. How dare she write me a letter instead of sticking around long enough to tell me those things in person!
I set the letter to the side.
The shoebox itself was covered with miscellaneous stickers and doodles complete with heart dotted I’s and smiley faced O’s.
“What were you up to, Mom?” I wondered out loud. That wonder grew when I came across a Polaroid of an old rusted truck towing a tiny camper. As far as I knew, Mom didn’t even have her driver’s license. I’d never even seen her behind the wheel before.
Rusty and Blue 1995 was the caption written in her handwriting underneath in faded black ink.
Inside the box was a keychain with several keys of various colors and sizes and another note from Mom.
You will find Rusty and Blue in Storage Queen Unit #23. Be good to them.
Also in the box was a dainty gold necklace with a sunflower pendant hanging from it. Jewelry that wasn’t of a religious nature was strictly forbidden. How long had mother had the necklace and how on earth did she keep it, as well as a storage unit full of vehicles, a secret from my father?
From ME?
I set the box down and slid the letter off the top of the stack, revealing the document behind it and yet another well-kept secret.
It was a deed, granting me, the trustee of Bobcat Holdings, a piece of land in a town called Outskirts.
Outskirts?
Mother had never mentioned it. I would have remembered. She also never went anywhere by herself and only traveled when it was with my father for the tent service tours during the summer.
As many questions as I had, there wasn’t time to ponder them all because headlights lit up my bedroom window as a car pulled into the driveway. I shoved the contents of the envelope back inside and slid the box back under the bed.
I raced downstairs just in time to be met with the daily disapproving look of hatred from my father who was walking through the door connecting the garage and the laundry room.
I silently hustled past him into the kitchen, with my eyes to the floor. His heavy footsteps following close behind.
I busied myself making his dinner while Father opened the refrigerator to reach for a beer, but decided against it, slamming the door shut and grabbing a bottle of Wild Turkey from the cabinet instead.
Whiskey nights were never good nights.
I smelled the liquor before he’d even opened the bottle because as usual, he’d already been drinking.
When has he NOT been drinking? My mother’s whispered words from a few weeks earlier ran through my head.
I must have laughed out loud.
“What’s exactly is so funny?” Father barked, filling more than half a glass with the amber liquid.
“Nothing, sir,” I answered, with a lifetime of false practiced politeness. I pulled out a chicken from the freezer and a few potatoes from the refrigerator. “I was just finishing my prayers.”
“Prayers are meant to be said on your knees before God, not in the kitchen,” he scolded, setting a thick bank envelope on top of the counter before walking to the living room adjacent to the kitchen. “I need you to take the deposit to the bank first thing in the morning.”
“Yes, sir.” An idea that had been forming in my mind was starting to make more and more sense. An idea that had started to take shape first at my mother’s funeral and then when I discovered the box upstairs. Now, staring at the envelope on the counter it had slithered its way into the center of my brain and taken hold. It was no longer just an idea.
It was a plan.
Father slammed his glass down on the table and my spine jumped. I tried to go about making dinner and ignoring the anger I felt billowing around him like a dust bowl as he pushed off the chair and stomped his way back into the kitchen, but it was impossible to ignore him once he’d gotten that look in his eyes. There was no getting out of what was to come.
It didn’t matter what I’d said. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. It was always the same.
“I didn’t forget your outburst from earlier. You are to be quiet in public unless spoken to. Just because your mother isn’t here anymore doesn’t change the rules. Not my rules and not God’s rules.” Father stood behind me and I heard the sound I hated most in the world. His belt buckle clanking as he slipped it from the loops. He cracked the leather together in the air, a warning of what was to come. I braced myself with my forearms against the counter like I had a thousand times before.