Gods & Monsters(48)

Twice now, Abel has lost his camera because of me. He lost his mom’s camera because he needed to buy me a phone, which I still carry with me. I couldn’t let him lose his second one that he bought with his own hard-earned money.

Yeah, I stole. Burn me at the stake, if you want. It was my last fuck you to my parents and my very first attempt to care for my Abel.

I find the store easily. It’s located only a block away from where we live. Over the years, Abel has chatted a lot about the cameras and their inner workings and whatnot so I’m pretty familiar with things. I pick out the one I know he loves but had an older version of: Canon EOS Rebel T6.

After the purchase, I decide to explore the neighborhood a little. I know we’re not going to be living here long but still, this is my first day in a new city. Full disclosure, though: I’m not good with directions. At all. I get turned around easily and can’t figure out north and south and whatever. But I feel I’m going to be okay because look at the sheer amount of people in this place. I can easily ask someone if I get lost, right? Easy peasy. Besides, how am I supposed to find stories and adventure if I’m cooped up inside the apartment?

I start walking and observing. The streets and the sidewalks I take are all super busy. Stores are practically crawling over each other. Thick streams of people flow and it’s hard to maneuver myself without bumping into anyone. Some streets are lined with black garbage bags and the pavement is littered with trash.

But even then, I love the colors, the energy, the loud honking and unfamiliar syllables as people talk. I stop at a store that carries bright red hanging Chinese lanterns. Gosh, they are so pretty. I buy one for our room.

I love the fact that here, people don’t look at other people. They don’t have the time. No one points at the two girls making out in the corner, by the lotto shop. Back in Prophetstown, those two girls would’ve been sent to confession with Father Knight. In fact, I don’t even think we have lesbians back home. Maybe we do but people simply don’t come out. I don’t blame them.

My feet come to a stop when I stumble upon a help wanted sign on the glass door of one of the restaurants. I can’t read the name that’s written on the yellow awning, but I figure it won’t hurt to go inside and check it out.

The man I meet with is a total grouch and he calls himself Milo. He’s tiny with harsh eyes and dark hair, and he’s looking for a waitress. He tells me he can’t hire me because I have zero experience. But I’m persistent. I feel like I need to do this, even though waitressing isn’t my dream job. I can’t have Abel doing everything. We’re a team now. And this is my first shot at independence – I can’t turn back without putting up a fight.

Turns out, putting up a fight works because I come out of the restaurant with my very first job.

I stand under the sunny sky and look up, smiling. Everything is perfect. And why wouldn’t it be? We’ve seen too much. We’ve suffered too much. It’s our time now. We deserve all the happiness in the world, don’t we?

When I look down though, my breath gets caught. There, across from me, walking down the street is my dad. His dark hair stands out among the crowd, and he’s the only one wearing a plaid shirt. He hasn’t seen me yet but at the sight of him, a big pang hits my chest. My heart swells up, beating, beating, beating. I miss him. So much. I miss his kind face, his reassuring hand, and the fact that I came to love books and stories because he used to read to me when I was little.

I take a step toward him before I gather myself. I can’t be missing him. I can’t be thinking about him. Look at what he did to me, to Abel. He’s not my father anymore. I can’t let him see me. How did he even find me?

Just then he turns in my direction and I take off. I start running. I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m even making way for myself in the thick throng of people. All I know is that I need to get away, as far away as possible. I can’t go back. I can’t go back to that town. If they get ahold of me, they’ll never let me see Abel ever again. They’ll lock me up, lock him up even.

Oh God. I can’t… I can’t let that happen.

I don’t care what they do to me, but I’ll never let them touch my Abel again. They’ve already tortured him enough over the years. He doesn’t deserve any more crap. He doesn’t deserve to feel less than anyone, less than powerful. Because he is not.

My vision is blurry and I’m panting, ready to collapse but somehow my anger and fear keep me upright. Until I crash into someone and bounce off, falling to the ground. The concrete hits my butt and whatever breath I had inside me coughs out.

The person I’ve plowed into is a woman with gray hair and a laundry cart, whose stuff got thrown off because of the impact. It’s a wake-up call, this smash. It’s like I can breathe again after the initial loss of air. It wasn’t my dad, I realize. It wasn’t. The man who looked like him was much younger. His hair was dark like my dad’s but it wasn’t peppered with gray. My dad’s hair has threads of silver in it, not to mention he is much taller than the man I saw on the street.

God, I’m such a wimp.

I wipe off my tears and get up, groaning, and help the lady. She’s grumbling something in what I assume is Mandarin and when all her stuff is back in, she throws me a glare and walks off.

Great. Just great.

When will I realize that I’m free? That I got away. I did. I’m here now. I’m with Abel, and soon we’ll be married. Once we are, no one can tear us apart. I twist the ring on my finger, missing him with an ache.