Giving Her My Baby(2)

“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean it like that,” I tell her as guilt hits me. My mom never made me feel like a mistake. She loves me with her whole heart. I never longed for a dad because she loved me enough for two parents. I just didn’t want my life choices affecting her.

“I thought if I was going to start trying for a baby that maybe I should get a place of my own.” I’d been saving like crazy since I graduated from college. Pretty much all my checks go straight into my bank account so I can afford getting pregnant, along with taking a big chunk of time off once I finally have my baby.

“You’ll stay here. This is your home. You don’t have to do this alone. I know I work a lot, but I can help when I’m here.” I see the determination in my mom’s eyes. She isn’t going to back down.

“Okay. I’ll stay.” Some tension leaves my body, because I know that I won’t be doing this alone. My mom gathers up all the real estate listings and throws them in the trash, only leaving behind the packet about artificial insemination.

I reach down and pick it up. The pages are worn because I’ve read them over and over. I’ve kept it in a folder hoping that I wouldn’t ever have to use it. That one day I’d find the perfect guy and I wouldn’t need it. But I’m sick of waiting.

I know part of it is my fault. I’m painfully shy when it comes to men. The only time I seem to be okay around them is when I’m working. And that’s probably because they’re all married.

My mom comes walking back into the dining room and picks up the box of pastries before sitting down at the table.

“I’ve already made an appointment,” I admit.

“I figured.” She smiles over the top of her coffee cup before taking a sip. She’s always two steps ahead of knowing what I’m about to do. I hope that’s a skill I pick up with my own child.

“I’m going to keep taking jobs until I get pregnant,” I add, hoping it only takes a few tries. I want to save as much money as I can so I can stay out of work longer once the baby finally arrives. I smile thinking about that moment.

I turn the brochure over and see a happy couple on the back holding their baby. A lump forms in my throat. I love my mom and the family we have. It’s only the two of us and I loved my childhood. But I’d be a liar if I said I’m completely okay with doing this on my own.

I want it all. To be head over heels in love with a man who wants a family with me as much as I do, but that’s just fairy-tale thinking.

“You’ll find him one day. You won’t even be looking and he’ll be there.” I look back up at my mom, who’s studying me.

She never dated. Heck, I’ve never even seen her show interest in a man. It was always work and me, with not much else. She always seemed more than happy with it, so why can’t I be, too?

I shrug, not wanting to talk about a man who might not even be real. What I can focus on is getting my baby.





2





Ella





“This is Ella,” I say as I pick up my cell phone from my nightstand. I already know who it is because I have a ringtone set just for the agency.

“Hey Ella, we got a request for you this morning. Think you can do an interview this afternoon?” Jenny asks in her always-chipper voice. It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is or how busy she is, she always sounds happy.

I glance over at the clock. I should have gotten up thirty minutes ago, but I’m still adjusting to being able to sleep through the night. Out of habit I wake up every few hours thinking there’s a baby to check on, only to remember after sitting up that there isn’t.

I see that it’s already ten o’clock and I have a doctor’s appointment at eleven. I’m going to have to get a move on it. It’s another reason I had trouble sleeping last night. I keep having nightmares that they’re going to tell me that something is wrong with me and I can’t have a baby. Nightmare scenarios like that play through my mind all the time. Then the nagging thought that I’m doing the wrong thing pops up. I keep pushing that one aside, thinking it’s just me being scared of doing this alone, but I know I can. I love babies and they love me. I’m good with them, and I’m going to be a great mom.

“It would have to be after one,” I tell her, sitting up and stifling a yawn. “If that doesn't work maybe just get someone else?” I fling my feet over the side of the bed and rub the sleep out of my eyes.

“No, this was a request for you specifically. I’ll text you all the details.”

“Thanks,” I tell her before hanging up.

I need to get my butt moving. I hop into the shower, making quick work of my morning routine before wandering into my closet to find something to wear. I’d planned for something casual, but it looks like I’ll likely be rushing from the clinic to my job interview.

It isn’t uncommon for me to hop from one job to the next, and most of the ones I get are referrals. This could possibly be my last job as a live-in baby nurse. If I get pregnant right away, that is. I wonder how I’ll transition into being a regular nurse at a hospital or family practice. I know once I have a baby I can no longer be live-in. I haven’t even gotten pregnant and I’m already thinking way too many steps ahead.

I settle on a simple white dress that falls to my knees with a blazer and flats. I go back into the bathroom and put on some mascara and lip gloss before brushing my hair out one last time. I grab my purse and my phone as I head out, then walk down the street to catch the bus. Maybe I should look into getting a car.