Girls of Summer(6)
“In the summer, yes. In the winter, not so easy. But I can see how much you’d like this.”
“I would, yes. I’m lonely when you’re traveling, and everything is just more difficult.” Lisa leaned forward and took his hand. “But what about you? Do you like the idea?”
“It was my idea in the first place,” Erich reminded her. “I want you to be happy, Lisa.”
* * *
—
Lisa knew she should be happy. The house they bought was in town, a historic old Greek Revival not unlike her parents’, with a large yard. The children were certainly happy, with plenty of friends and a wonderful school and doting grandparents who had them for overnights so Lisa could go out with her friends. Lisa worked part-time at the hospital thrift shop, keeping her vow to buy nothing, and occasionally weeding out the treasures she’d left in her room at home and donating them to the shop. At the end of the summer, wealthy women dropped off the clothes they hadn’t had a chance to wear, and Lisa bought a few dresses and suits for herself. They would be perfect for going out with Erich.
Erich. Well, Erich certainly seemed happy. He came home at least twice a month, staying for no more than three or four days, and when he was there, he was kind but absentminded, both to the children and to Lisa. He’d had a vasectomy—he told Lisa after the fact, adding that there were enough children in this troubled world. He was there for the holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and the Fourth of July, and he tried to make it home for the children’s birthdays, and for Lisa’s. After a night or two on Nantucket, his body’s internal clock adjusted to EST, and he made love to Lisa, or something like love.
What she missed most, both when he was home as well as when he was gone, were the simple physical touches that made her heart melt, that made her feel like they belonged together. Of course she got plenty of hugs and kisses from Juliet and Theo, but none from Erich. He did not hold her hand when they went out. He didn’t put a protective arm around her shoulders when they ran through a sudden shower. He didn’t draw her close to him when they watched TV. He didn’t sleep spooned against her, but lay on his side facing the wall. He did nothing physical that gave her the safe, warm sense of snuggling with a partner in a nest. When she tried touching him, he only smiled at her. And moved slightly away.
Why hadn’t she noticed this before? Was she too blinded by his handsomeness, his kind but innate superiority, his sophistication?
She talked it over endlessly with Rachel.
“He hasn’t changed,” Rachel said. “Your expectations have changed. You thought you’d have a marriage like your parents have. Instead—oh, don’t people say time and again that men won’t change and women won’t stop trying to change them? You have two children. The magic is gone. Be glad for what you have.”
It wasn’t until the children were nine and eleven that she had her brilliant idea. “Erich,” she said one night on the phone when he was in London and she was in bed, “I had the best idea! Let’s take the children somewhere in Europe this summer! Somewhere you have to be, Zurich or Paris, it doesn’t matter, but Zurich would be nice because you could show them where you work and they could know where you are when you’re gone. You could work during the day, and I could see the sights with the kids.”
After a long pause, Erich agreed. “That’s a great idea. Let me look at my calendar. I’ll get back to you.”
“I’ll get back to you?” Lisa laughed. “You sound like we’re making a business deal.”
“Well, what do you want me to say?” Erich snapped, exasperated.
He’d never taken that tone with her before, and it was the tone as much as the words that woke Lisa out of her trance, that made her realize the truth. “Erich, do you love me?”
“Of course I do,” he told her, sighing. Before Lisa could respond, he added, “Look, we’re older now. We shouldn’t have made such big decisions when we were still in college. Even the most mature of us can make mistakes.”
“Am I a mistake?” Lisa asked.
“Am I?” Erich countered. “Think about it seriously, Lisa. We had lots of chemistry when we met, and probably just about as much curiosity, because our lives are so different. At first I thought it was going to work out because we seemed compatible, and we had some good times traveling around Europe. But since the children came…”
“Go on. Finish the sentence.”
“Fine. I will. Lisa, I thought you’d be able to live my life. You’re beautiful, or at least you were. You’re smart, but you’re not ambitious. You’re happily stuck in that hospital shop playing with other people’s junk and holding bake sales for the school when you could have been helping me entertain truly important people. If you had, for example, tried to learn Arabic, or even German, we might have made a great team…but that is not what you did. I don’t know if you’re afraid, or if you have an inferiority complex, or if you simply like being a hausfrau. It’s not your fault, but you and I are on completely different paths.”
For a long moment, Lisa was quiet. “Wow,” she said softly when she could get her breath.
“I’m glad we’re having this discussion,” Erich said. “I was dreading it. I don’t want to be cruel, Lisa, and I did love you, but people change. You’ve changed the most. Be honest with me now. If I asked you to take the kids to your parents, toss your toothbrush in your bag, and fly to London tonight, would you do it?”