Girls of Summer(33)
“Do you have any siblings?”
“I do. One sister. Two years older. She’s become a sort of free spirit. With her inheritance money, she bought a farm in Vermont where she raises alpaca. Her name is Eugenie, but she calls herself Engine, because she wants to be an engine of change. She’s living with a woman, Kate, now, but for a long time she had a male partner. She doesn’t drink alcohol but she certainly does eat food. She’s a big girl, and she says so herself, and she’s happy with that. Actually, she’s very beautiful, like the goddess of the harvest. Long black hair in braids tied with string or rope. No makeup, very tan even in winter, carries herself like a queen. She’s got lots of friends who stay in some of her guest houses and help with the farm.”
“You love your sister,” Juliet observed with silent envy. How would Theo describe her? She could imagine: smart with sharp edges.
“I adore her. She’s so emotionally strong. So certain. She wants to—well, what we jokingly call ‘save the world’—she wants to help the world, too, but she’s chosen to do it in a way that makes her happy. She has an idyllic home.”
“Your own home isn’t idyllic?”
Ryder drove for a while without speaking. “As I’ve told you, I’m divorced. It was a short, unpleasant marriage that made our parents ecstatic and made us miserable. So, I’ve been single for years. I’ve seen other women now and then. No one special.”
An unexpected flash of jealousy surprised Juliet when Ryder mentioned other women.
“Your turn now,” Ryder said.
“Hmm.” Juliet leaned back against the headrest. “My mother, Lisa, well, you met her. She’s wonderful. Especially admirable because our father left her for another woman when were young. So basically, we’re a three-person family.”
“Do you ever visit your father?”
“No. We’ve never been invited. I haven’t even seen a picture of him for years. When we were kids, Mom used to show us photos of our father holding us when we were babies, and she impressed upon us what an intelligent man he was. He’s a banker, and he also inherited a nice chunk of money, so he always made the child support payments on time. Mother appreciated that. But when you’re little, you don’t get it about the money. You don’t understand why your dad doesn’t want to see you.”
“I’m sorry.”
Juliet shrugged. “It was harder on Theo, not having a dad around. It made us both feel…not exactly worthless, but not worth much. Theo had a tough time in high school and thank heavens, he discovered surfing. I think he got rid of his anger that way. Now he’s out in San Diego, a chill surfer dude.”
“And you?”
“Me.” Juliet thought. “You could say I have a problem trusting men. The last relationship I had was bizarre. He had to move to New York, and he didn’t tell me in advance or ask me to go with him. Well, I don’t suppose I would have wanted to go. We weren’t crazy for each other. I was hurt when he left, but mostly I was so insulted. So, well, there’s that.”
“He sounds like an idiot.”
“I think he was more of a user.” Juliet watched the road fly past, all the cars and trucks changing lanes to go faster. Something about Ryder’s words, the way he made her feel admired and comfortable, helped her think. “And you know? I’m not sure I want to love anyone. My mother, who is totally wonderful, got dumped by our father and we were abandoned, too. So I’m not comfortable trusting anyone. But I’m fine. I’m really good at my job. It’s fun. It pays well. I can work from anywhere as long as I have a computer. I’ve got a good apartment and great friends in Cambridge.” She paused, laughing. “Could I sound any more boring? All I lack is the cliché cat.”
“I don’t think you’re boring. And from my point of view, I don’t think anyone on the island thinks you’re boring, either. I’ve seen people look at you with envy. Admiration.”
“Really?” Juliet was shocked. “Where?”
“At my lecture at the Atheneum. I saw some guys checking you out.”
“Ryder, lower the volume, please. I know those guys. They were probably trying to see if I’ve become a lesbian.”
“Oh, you can tell that by looking?”
Juliet laughed.
“We’re almost there,” Ryder said. “Let me take you out to dinner Tuesday night. Just dinner, nothing else.”
“Fine,” she answered carelessly, hoping she didn’t sound as frightened, amazed, and attracted as she felt. “That will be fun.”
nine
Sometimes, Beth thought, a person really needs life to give them a sign.
When she woke on the first day of June, her third morning home, her bed and her childhood bedroom had seemed odd, as if they belonged to another person, and in a way, they had. Of course if she had to, she could walk through the entire house blindfolded, but this house had belonged to a different person, a girl who had been knocked down by fate before she had time to grow up.
On her bedside table was the framed photo of her as a little girl with her father and her mother. She’d been only two when the picture was taken, and she didn’t remember that moment, but she cherished the photograph that proved it had existed. Her mother had existed, had loved her, so long ago, and might even be somewhere loving her still.