Fractured (Deep In Your Veins, #5)(59)

“Like I said, I f*cked up. I can’t apologise for freaking out about you going into battle. It would be a lie, and that would insult both of us. But I am sorry that you’re hurting right now. I didn’t want that.”

As apologies went, it wasn’t the best I’d ever heard. But it was honest. “I’m a member of the legion, Butch. That means I’m going to be in dangerous situations again and again. You accepted that before. Why can’t you accept it now?” I might be partly human, but I was as strong and fast as a Sventé. Both Jude and Ava were Sventés.

For a moment, he said nothing. Just stood there, his expression almost tortured. “I didn’t keep you safe.” His words made me blink. “I’m a living shield, Imani, but I didn’t keep you safe. You got hurt right in front of me.”

I mentally kicked myself. I should have known that, protective as he was, he’d find some way to blame himself. “It all happened so fast, there was nothing you could have done.”

“The reason I didn’t freak out about you being on assignments in the past was that I was there with you; I was confident I could protect you.” A cynical, self-mocking smile surfaced on his face. “At the castle, I didn’t. Intellectually, I know it’s not my fault that you were hurt, and I know it’s pointless to feel guilty about it. I also know that I can’t lock you away where you’ll be safe, and that you’d be miserable if I tried.”

“So why get so wound up about this?”

“You don’t get it, Imani. A year. I was without you for almost a year. Just when I thought I had you back, I felt you slipping away. You don’t know how many times your heartrate slowed down during the transition. You don’t know how many times you passed out, so weak I didn’t think you’d wake up.”

His eyes glittered with an emotion I would never have associated with Butch. Fear. “It scared you.”

“Hell yes, it scared me.”

While that softened the blow of what he’d done, it didn’t make it okay. He had to understand that or he’d do it over and over. “That isn’t an excuse. I don’t expect you to always agree with my choices, but I expect you to respect my right to make them. Dictating to me, talking down to me like I don’t know myself, was not at all cool, Butch. If I had behaved that way toward you, if I’d showed you that kind of disrespect, you’d be just as pissed as I am now.”

He raked a hand through his hair. “I’m not good at this.” He looked so lost.

“Yeah, I already figured that out.” Although I was still mad, I knew I’d have to back down a little. Sam had told me he’d need the room to make mistakes; she’d warned me he’d be a difficult partner. I’d taken the risk, and that meant I had to make some allowances. “I understand that you want me safe. I’m glad that you care. But that doesn’t mean I’ll always bow to your wishes. That’s not how it works.”

He moved to me and brushed his thumb along my cheekbone. “I do respect you. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t.”

I gave a curt nod. “Okay.”

“I hate it when we argue.”

We’d only had two very minor arguments before now. “It’s going to happen sometimes. You’re an alpha, which makes you pushy and domineering. Neither of those things are much fun for me, even though I know you interfere because you’re trying to smooth the way for me and make my life better. I’m stubborn and independent, which means I’ll keep pushing back.”

He rubbed his nose against mine. “I warned you that I’m not good for people.”

Not liking that comment at all, I said, “That’s bullshit. We both have strong personalities so we’ll clash from time to time. That doesn’t mean you’re not good for me, or vice versa. Being dominant and decisive isn’t bad. You’re also very protective and supportive, which I appreciate. Tonight, though, you were too protective and too big, bad alpha.”

He sighed. “Okay. I’ll work on it. But we’re good now?”

“We’re good.”

His arms locked around me and he pressed a gentle, apologetic kiss on my mouth. “Seeing those bruises on your face makes me want to punch something. Sam wouldn’t have hit you that hard if she’d known you’d bruise. Baby, about what you did to her—”

“Let’s not talk about it. It doesn’t matter.”

“Imani, you called blood to you. That kind of matters.”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

He rubbed my back. “Can’t say I blame you for being freaked out.” He pressed a gentle kiss to my temple. “Okay, I’ll drop it.”

I released a heavy breath. “I need a shower.”

“Come on.” He led me to the bathroom.

“I can shower myself.”

“Of course you can. But I want to take care of you. Don’t fight me on it. I need it.”

Sighing, I allowed him to take care of me—massaging my head, shoulders, and arms until all my tension had left me and I was close to boneless.

As he dabbed me dry with a towel, I asked, “What were your other two relationships like?”

He paused. “You sure you want to hear about my past?”