Forever, Interrupted(76)

“But he should have told me before you two got married. He should have at least called,” she says to me.

And she’s right. He should have. He knew that. But I didn’t.





MAY


We were two hours outside of Las Vegas when the cold feet set in. Ben was driving. I was in the front seat calling wedding chapels. I also called hotels to see where we could stay the night. My body was thrilled and anxious. The car could barely contain me, but I could see that Ben was starting to tense.

He pulled over into a Burger King and said he wanted a burger. I wasn’t hungry, I couldn’t possibly eat, but I got one too and let it sit in front of me.

“I’m thinking we should go to the Best Little Chapel,” I told him. “They take care of everything there. And then we can stay at either Caesars Palace, which has a pretty good deal on a suite, or interestingly enough, the Hooters hotel has really cheap rooms right now.”

Ben was looking at his burger, and when I stopped talking he put it down abruptly. I mean, he basically dropped it.

“I need to tell my mom,” he said. “I can’t do this without telling my mom.”

“Oh,” I said. Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about his mom, or my own parents. I had briefly thought about inviting Ana to come and be a witness, but I quickly decided I didn’t want that either. I just wanted Ben and me, together. And whoever the officiant was.

“Don’t you want to invite Ana or something?” he asked. I did not like the turn the conversation had taken. The turn in the conversation was about to create a turn in the trip, which had the very real consequence of a turn in this marriage.

“Well, no,” I said. “I thought we just wanted it to be the two of us.”

“I did,” he said. “Well, no, you did.” He wasn’t being combative, but I was still feeling defensive. “I just think that I was being overzealous before. I think I should tell my mom. I think if she found out afterward that she would be heartbroken.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because she wasn’t there. That her only child got married and she wasn’t there, I don’t know.”

This was what I had been afraid of. Suddenly, I felt my whole life slipping away from me. I’d only been engaged for four hours, but in those four hours I saw a life for myself that I wanted. Just in the time we had been in the car, I’d thought so much about what our night would be like, what our tomorrow would be like, that I was already attached to it. I had replayed it so many times in my mind that I felt like I’d already lived it. I didn’t want to lose what I thought I already had. If Ben called his mother, we weren’t going to get back in the car and drive straight to Nevada. We were going to get back in the car and drive straight to Orange County.

“I don’t know if that’s . . . ” I started, but I wasn’t sure how to finish. “This is about you and me. Are you saying you don’t want to do this?”

“No!” he said. “I’m just . . . maybe we shouldn’t be doing this right now.”

“I cannot believe you.” I thought I was going to leave it at that, but the words kept coming out of my mouth. “I didn’t make you propose to me. I wasn’t the one who suggested we get married in the first place. This was all your doing! I have been telling you for months to tell your mother! So how the f*ck do I end up two hours outside of Las Vegas jilted in a Burger King, huh? Explain that to me.”

“You don’t understand!” He was starting to get animated and upset.

“Why don’t I understand? What part of this don’t I understand? You asked me to marry you. I said yes. I suggested we elope. You said yes. We got in the car. We’re halfway to Nevada and you’re calling it off while you’re eating a f*cking Whopper.”

Ben shook his head. “I can’t expect you to understand, Elsie.” Our voices were starting to attract attention, so Ben got up from the table and I followed him outside.

“What does that mean?” I yelled at him, pushing the door out of my way like it was the one doing this to me.

“It means you don’t have a family!” He turned to face me. “You don’t even try to get along with your parents. You don’t understand how I feel about my mom.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” I couldn’t believe he’d said that. I wished I could have time-traveled back to five seconds before so I could have stopped him from saying that and we could have continued on with our lives without him ever having said that to me.

“No! I’m not kidding. You don’t get it.”

“Oh, I get it, Ben. I get it. I get that you’re a coward who hasn’t had the balls to tell his mom he’s even dating someone and now, and now I’m getting screwed for it. That’s what I get.”

“It’s not like that,” he said, but his voice was resigned. It wasn’t passionate.

“What is it then?”

“Can we just get in the car?”

“I’m not getting in the car with you,” I said as I crossed my arms. It was colder outside than I would have liked and my jacket was lying on the front seat, but I didn’t want to go near that car, even if I had to suffer for it.

“Please? Don’t make a scene out here. I’m not saying we shouldn’t get married. I want to marry you. I just . . . want to tell my mom first. There’s no need for us to rush this.”