For Your Own Protection(42)

Would it really be wise to admit that he’d looked inside his bag?

Harvey raised his eyebrows in challenge.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Matt said.

Harvey shook his head. ‘I should probably say “none of your business”, but what the hell. Knives. The bag was full of knives.’ Harvey waited for a reaction. And when he didn’t get one, he continued. ‘Well, aren’t you gonna ask me why I was carryin’ a bag full of knives?’

Matt had lost the stomach for this conversation. But Harvey pressed on.

‘The knives are mine. Was mine. A collection I’d built up over the past six, seven years. I handed them all in.’ He downed his drink. ‘There’s an amnesty runnin’ at the moment across the city. Part of Operation Blaze – targetin’ knife crime. There are secure sites where you can drop weapons, no questions asked. I was meant to go there before college, but I missed my bus so I had to rush to class with all that stuff in my bag. A bit dumb, really.’

‘So you’ve given away all your weapons?’

‘I told you already, bruv. I’ve decided to take another path in life.’

‘But you’re still engaged in violence.’

‘Shit, man. I’m tryin’ my best. We can’t all be perfect, Matt.’

‘I’m far from perfect.’

‘Oh, really?’

Matt gazed into his whisky glass, watching the amber ripples on the surface. ‘My dad died of a massive heart attack two years ago. I could have prevented it.’ He downed the rest of his drink. ‘I’d been really busy at work that week, trying to impress the bosses. I knew Dad had tried to call a few times the previous day, but I assumed it wasn’t anything important. I hadn’t stopped to check whether he’d left any messages on my voicemail.’

‘But he had?’

‘Yes. Two messages, which I only picked up while we were at the hospital. In the first message, he said he’d been having chest pains while he was out walking in the park that morning. He wanted to ask whether he should mention anything to Mum – he was afraid he might worry her unnecessarily, and she’s always been a big worrier. The second call he made at ten past seven. I was still in the office, completing a trade, and I missed the call somehow. He said the chest pains had come back again, and he was scared it might be something serious. He asked me again whether he should bother Mum. But he never got an answer, and he never told my mum. If I’d spoken to him, things would’ve been different. He would’ve got help sooner, and he’d probably be alive today.’

‘You shouldn’t blame yourself, man. I’m sure your mum don’t.’

‘She doesn’t know about the messages. I never had the courage to admit what happened. I haven’t told Amy either.’

‘I can understand that.’

‘If I’d been honest, then maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. But keeping the secret, it turned me into something bad. I grew to hate myself, hate what I’d done, and I pushed everyone who cared about me away. They wanted to help, but I wouldn’t let them because I was afraid they’d find out what I’d done. It was the same with Adam’s death. He was a junior employee at UGT who I’d taken under my wing – died at a party after taking drugs. I blame myself for that too.’

‘That’s heavy stuff, man.’

Matt smiled sadly. ‘And then I betrayed my family. Cheated on my partner Beth with a work colleague.’

‘A one-off?’

‘Yes. There was an office party.’

‘But she found out?’ Harvey shook his head. ‘Man, you must be one careless mother.’

‘I told her.’

‘Really? You wanted your relationship over?’

‘Not at all. It was the last thing I wanted. But the guilt was destroying me.’

‘She didn’t forgive you?’

‘No.’

‘Harsh, man. I mean, people make mistakes.’

‘She had good reason.’

‘Like what? You got a kid, haven’t you? Surely for their sake.’

‘Her father was a serial adulterer. He cheated on his wife multiple times, throughout a thirty-year unhappy marriage. She did it to protect herself – and more importantly, our son Charlie.’

‘But you’re not her father. Just because you made one mistake, it don’t mean you’d do the same again.’

‘She said she couldn’t take the chance.’

‘So that was it?’

‘Yes, that was it. Eighteen months ago. She gave me two hours to clear my stuff and leave.’

‘Shit. You don’t think she’ll ever forgive you?’

‘Maybe. But it won’t get me my family back.’

‘How can you know?’

Matt smiled tightly. ‘Beth is in another relationship now.’

‘Who is he?’

‘James Farrah. He works at the same place I work – well, used to work.’

‘That must hurt, bruv.’

‘It does.’

‘So when did he and Beth start their relationship, if you don’t mind me askin’?’

‘A year ago.’

‘Only six months after you split? Man, that’s painful. You sure he’s not just a rebound? Or maybe she’s tryin’ to make you jealous?’