Finlay Donovan Jumps the Gun (Finlay Donovan, #3)(42)
I wasn’t sure how to return the sentiment. Everyone seemed to like Stu, but Nick had been pretty tight-lipped about his counseling sessions. “Thank you, Dr. Kirby. I was hoping you might have a few minutes to help me with a question.”
“I’m happy to try. And please, call me Stu.” He gestured to a chair in the front row, waiting for me to settle into it before perching casually on the edge of his desk.
“I’m not sure if Nick told you,” I continued, “but I’m a suspense novelist, and I’m working on a new project. I’m actually here this week doing research for my next book. One of my characters in the story is a…” I hesitated. Was there a clinical term for a dirty cop? “… a police officer who’s become involved in criminal activities.”
Stu’s eyebrow rose over the rim of his glasses. “Not the hot one, I hope.”
“No,” I stammered, blushing at his wry grin, wondering how much Nick had already told him about my books, “not that one. See, the villain in my story is also a cop, only he’s secretly working for some pretty bad people on the side. I’d like to portray his character as realistically as possible, and I was wondering if you could tell me anything that might help me understand who he is?” I felt a small stab of guilt. Lying to a therapist felt a lot like lying to a priest, but if Stu sensed I was fibbing, he didn’t let on.
“That’s a hard question to answer,” he said thoughtfully. “I’ve worked with a few police officers who’ve found themselves on the other side of the law for one reason or another, but every case was different, each influenced by that individual’s own unique struggles.”
“What do you mean?”
“People who work in law enforcement see a lot of things most of us couldn’t stomach, and their job is pretty thankless. It isn’t always easy to be the good guy. Most days, playing the bad guy probably feels like the easier option.”
I bit my lip as I pondered what else to ask. By the sound of it, EasyClean could be any of them.
“So if I was writing a mystery, what specific clues might reveal the identity of my dirty cop?”
Stu pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Well, from a practical standpoint, money is usually a motivator. There’s a reason they gamble with peanuts,” he said with a compassionate smile. “May I ask, does any of this have to do with Nick?” At my puzzled look, he said, “I know you said you’re trying to understand a character in your book, but it seems that maybe you’re asking something else.”
“What do you mean?” I asked cautiously.
“The use of metaphors can be a safe way for our minds to explore subjects that are hard to talk about. If you were hurt in your last relationship, it makes sense that you might be searching for clues that a new romantic partner could secretly be a bad guy, to protect yourself from being hurt all over again. Creating a character can be a cathartic way to explore our own fears and traumas. It can also help us identify what we need to move beyond them.” He paused, considering me as he let that sink in. “I can’t divulge anything of a clinical nature, but I don’t think it’s a breach of confidentiality to say that Nick’s one of the good guys. He’s been through an ordeal, but he has a strong support system here and he’s doing all the right things. And it would probably mean a lot to him to know that you care.” He arched an eyebrow, hinting at a suggestion.
I nodded, quiet as I unpacked all that. In the space of a moment, we’d gone from dissecting the killer’s heart to mine, and my insides felt both hollow and jumbled, as if someone had opened me up and dumped me out, then left me with a mess to fold and put away.
Stu’s smile was sympathetic as he glanced at the clock. “I should probably head to my next session. And you should probably get to yours—that is, if you don’t have any other questions?”
“Not unless you can tell me how to get my two-year-old to stop playing hide-and-seek in public bathroom stalls and my five-year-old to stop tackle-hugging people.” Stu studied me with a curious tip of his head. “My sister has been reading parenting blogs and she’s convinced my son is expressing an unhealthy avoidance of potty training and that my daughter is developing attachment issues as a side effect of my divorce.” My laugh was unconvincing as I waited for affirmation that I hadn’t screwed up the one part of my life that meant more to me than anything else.
“I can’t say I’m much of an expert on potty training,” Stu confessed, “but games like hide-and-seek can be a way for children to reinforce their sense of object permanence—their confidence that even when they can’t see something, it still exists in the world. As for the tackle hugs, it’s not necessarily unusual, or concerning, for children to be uninhibited when expressing themselves. Your son’s willingness to put space between you, trusting he’ll be found, and your daughter’s unreserved passion for the people she cares about … those aren’t unhealthy qualities, Finlay. If anything, we could all learn something from them.”
“That’s a metaphor, isn’t it?”
Stu’s smile creased the corners of his eyes as he took up his messenger bag. “Children are remarkably resilient, Finlay. Grown-ups can be, too.”
The door swung closed behind him, muting the hum of conversations in the hall, leaving me alone in the empty classroom and yet oddly reassured that there was hope for my heroine after all.