Fifty Words for Rain(91)

But she is alive.

Nori smiles shyly at me. “I’m sorry,” she says simply.

I hear a roaring in my ears and then all the lights wink out.



* * *



—

I wake up in my bed.

Nori is sitting on the edge beside me, looking guilty.

I blink at her. “Bess,” I rasp, and she is there at once.

“My lady?”

“Leave us now. And don’t let anyone in the room until I say.”

She nods and goes out.

Nori fidgets. “I see you have a very grand life, my dear. Just like we used to talk about.”

I gape at her. “You . . . you’re here.”

She smiles and nods. “I am.”

I feel a deep pulse of rage. “Where have you been?”

She looks away. Clearly, she was expecting this. “It’s complicated.”

“You could have written me,” I say furiously. “You just dropped off the face of the earth for seven bloody years. I thought you were dead. You let me think you were dead.”

She bows her head. “I’m sorry. If you want me to leave . . .”

I snatch her hand and hold it tight.

“Nonsense, I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”

She laughs. “Oh, Alice. I have missed you.”

“And did they tell you I have children?” I blurt out. “Two girls. Charlotte and Matilda.”

“I saw them,” she says warmly. “They are beautiful, my dear. I cannot wait to meet them properly.”

“I’m expecting now too,” I say, and I find that I am shy about it.

She kisses my flushed cheeks. “How wonderful.”

I fix my eyes on her. She has grown into her looks. She’s a lovely girl, even with the corners of her mouth turned down. She looks so sad.

“And what about you, Nori?”

She hesitates. “It’s really not that interesting of a story.”

“I want to hear it anyway,” I insist.

Nori goes very still.

And then she tells me. She tells me, and I can see at once how lonely she has been, and how much she believes that she deserved it. My anger vanishes.

She has been martyring herself all this time. That she is here now means she is ready to stop.

“Why didn’t you come to me in the beginning?” I wail. “I would’ve taken care of you. We would have been like sisters!”

The color drains from her face. “I didn’t want to be near you. Or, rather, I didn’t want you to be near me. I was no good for anyone, Alice. I was convinced that I was . . .”

I look into her eyes. “What?”

She nips her lower lip. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter. I’m here now.”

I am not satisfied by this, but I know better than to press her. She is like a frightened filly; if I push her too hard, she will bolt. All I need to do is look at the way she holds herself to know that she is a hairsbreadth away from shattering.

I’ll try again tomorrow when she has gathered her strength. I know she will. She just needs time.

I sit up and wrap my arms around her. We cling to each other like frightened children.

“You will move your things in today,” I tell her. “You will stay here with me. You will be an aunt to my girls and godmother to my boy when he comes. That is how it will be, Nori.”

She makes that little sound she always made when she was trying not to cry. “It’s not safe,” she says.

I have no idea what she’s talking about. All I know is that I need her desperately, I have always needed her, and now I have her back.

I was never supposed to meet her.

But I would not change a single thing.

“Safe be damned. You’re staying.”

Nori pulls back to look at me. She gives me a tiny smile, and at least for the moment, her eyes are clear.

“I’m staying.”



* * *



—

    She settles in remarkably well, as I knew that she would. The last seven years have not been wasted on her—she has grown into a sophisticated, cultured young woman, with a woman’s painfully acquired knowledge that there is more, always more, that can be put on our shoulders. And that we cannot show it.

My husband adores her. She talks to him about her travels, and they play chess together sometimes in the evenings. She is able to cook his favorite roast duck, and he tells me that she can stay as long as she likes.

The girls both fall easily under her spell, as I knew they would. They demand that she watch them play, and she puts on puppet shows for them and reads them to sleep.

She is gracious to the staff, and they all go out of their way to do little things for her.

So all in all, her introduction to my household has been a great success. But I cannot help but want her all to myself. I even hire a music teacher for the girls, just to give them something to do during the day so that I can be alone with her.

I take her all around the city—well, the good parts of the city—and buy her every pretty thing I can think of. I so enjoy dressing her up; she is still my little doll.

I notice the stares, of course. I am sure she notices them too, but she never flinches. Sometimes she will turn and nod gently, and the offender will blush and scurry away.