Everything I Left Unsaid(18)

But I couldn’t quite stop the hitch in my breath.

He made a sound—that sound—again. Something had turned him on.

“What else do you want to be brave about?” he asked.

“I’d like to eat dessert for breakfast one day.”

His laughter was dark and rich like brownie batter and I wanted to eat a bowl of it. Of him.

“That’s an easy one,” he said.

Not if you’re me. Not if you were raised by my mom.

“I want to give a man a blow job.”

The silence on the other end pounded.

“You haven’t done that?” he asked.

“No.”

“Jesus, how old are you?”

“Twenty-four. How old are you?” God, I hadn’t thought to ask.

“Twenty-nine.”

“We could be lying,” I said. “Both of us.”

“I’m not,” he said. “I’ll never lie to you.”

I couldn’t make him the same promises—I had, after all, lied about my name, about staying away from Ben. About being totally naked. I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth.

Or willing to.

“I’m not lying about my age,” I said.

“Are you a virgin?”

“No.” Those memories, cold and uncomfortable, terrifying and sad, were in my brain’s front hall closet too. “Just…not experienced.”

“Has a man ever gone down on you?”

I shook my head, my mouth dry, words gone, but then I realized he couldn’t see me.

“No,” I said.

“Did that happen in your dirty book?”

“Yes.”

“It turned you on.”

“Yes.”

“That’s why you called me?”

Oh my God. “Yes,” I breathed, and he groaned.

Sex with Hoyt had been awful on a bunch of levels and the memories spilled, uncontrolled, out from where I’d tried to hide them. At the beginning, before I knew better, I’d asked him once if he’d like that…like me to put his penis in my mouth.

He smacked me right off the bed.

Whores talk like that, he’d said.

I closed my eyes, my arms lifting to cover my breasts, an old awful embarrassment filling me right to the top, pushing away all my excitement. Tears burned behind my eyes.

I can’t do this. This isn’t me. This isn’t for me.

I opened my mouth to tell him I’d made a mistake. I never should have tried this, no matter how bad I wanted it.

“You’re missing out on one of life’s great pleasures, Layla,” he said.

My eyes sprang open at the fake name.

My cousin’s name.

I’m not me. This isn’t me, having this conversation.

I’m Layla. And Layla isn’t embarrassed. Layla doesn’t give a shit what some * like Hoyt thinks about her. Layla’s probably had phone sex half a million times.

Recommitted, I cleared my throat. “I’ve never been skinny-dipping.”

“Well, now you’re killing me.”

“There’s a swimming pond here. Maybe I’ll try it.”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

“What about you?” I asked. “What—”

“Hold on now, we’re not done with you.”

“Oh.” I flushed at the attention, the focus this man put on me. It was uncomfortable, but I forced myself to take it. Absorb it. So different from Hoyt’s mercurial, violent focus.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked.

“It would be weird if I said no after all this, wouldn’t it?”

“Are you touching yourself?”

“What, like…masturbating?” I shrieked. Actually shrieked. So impossibly not cool, Annie.

“Not necessarily.”

“Then…what are you talking about?” I asked.

“Just touching. Just feeling your skin. Your body.”

“No. I’m not doing that.” I’d never done that.

“Put your hand over your belly, spread out your fingers as wide as you can.”

I did what he asked, the tips of my fingers touching the edge of my panties. My thumb and pinky brushed the small indentions next to my hips that were somehow ticklish and directly attached to the ache between my legs. The skin there was so soft. The hair on my stomach white-blond and fine. I’d never noticed that before.

I ran my palm over my skin and then the back of my hand, from hip bone to hip bone.

I couldn’t stop my gasp at the electric sensation.

“You doing it?”

“Yes.”

“Now take that hand and slide it up your stomach, your chest, to your throat. Trace your collarbone.”

“I don’t…” My collarbone? Really?

“This is why you called me, baby. Let me do my job.”

I was panting—which I’m sure he could hear, but I didn’t care. I did what he asked, tracing the top and bottom edges of the delicate fluted bone.

“Touch your lips. Go real slow with your thumb. How does that feel?”

“Good. All of it…feels so good.” My lips were chapped, and somehow even that skin was attached to the ache between my legs because I was dying. Restless and achy and hurting.