Every Wrong Reason(9)

And yet, I could not keep my mouth shut.

It might be some kind of disease.

I should probably get it checked out.

I told my mashed potatoes, “I’m not sure I want to find another man.”

My mom snorted a bitter laugh and I felt my father freeze from across the table. I didn’t have to look at him to know I’d shocked the hell out of him and not in a good way.

“Of course you want to find another man,” my mother insisted. “You think that now, but give it a few months or a year. You won’t want to be alone. You’ll get lonely and then you’ll see. You’ll know you need a man.”

As if my mother’s words weren’t damaging enough, my father chimed in, “It’s dangerous out there, Katie.”

Ladies and gentlemen, my parents’ opinion of me. Neither of them thought I was capable of taking care of myself. A man had to be part of my equation or I was destined to turn into a crazy cat lady that was raped and pillaged in her own home one night by the pizza delivery guy.

As if my future didn’t feel bleak enough… Geez. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

And obviously my army of cats would protect me.

“Come on, guys,” Josh interrupted again. “Enough already. She walked in the house five minutes ago and you’re already giving her a hard time. Let her breathe a little, alright?”

Both of my parents looked put out this time. I wanted to cry.

One of my nieces piped up, wanting more mashed potatoes and the attention, thankfully, shifted off me.

Josh had two beautiful girls that were as well behaved as children could be and still be kids. They whined too loud and they screamed like banshees when they got mad, but they were beautiful and lovely and so precious they made my uterus ache.

Delaney and Adalyn had been easy for Josh and Emily. They had gotten pregnant exactly on schedule with their perfect lives, just like Josh had gotten the position he wanted and the raise he needed when they decided to start a family. Life worked out for Josh in a way that was completely unfamiliar to me.

Not that I didn’t think he worked hard. I did. I knew he gave his hundred and ten percent and worked his ass off to be where he was today. But he shined brighter or something. The universe loved him more or maybe he had a head start toward perfection.

I worked hard too. I worked my ass off too. And yet… there was something missing.

I didn’t have a gorgeous house in the suburbs or my two point five kids. I barely had a puppy and a job that paid less than tolerable wages.

I had a mountain of student loan debt and a husband that didn’t fight for me.

And a pity party.

I had a massive pity party that made me sick of myself and of the constantly self-absorbed thoughts I couldn’t shake. Ugh.

I needed a wakeup call.

Or a giant bottle of Grey Goose.

“So how’s the school year going so far?” Emily asked while my parents drilled Josh about his newest promotion opportunity.

“Rough,” I said honestly.

“Because of the divorce?” Her tone was gentle and nonjudgmental. I loved my sister-in-law, despite her serendipitous marriage to my brother. We weren’t the closest friends, but Josh had chosen well.

I chewed a bit of pork chop while I decided how to answer her. “That’s definitely part of the reason. But I have a few difficult classes this year. It’s only the middle of September and they’re already acting out. I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to get through to them.”

Her frown was both authentic and sympathetic. “I think what you’re doing is amazing, Kate. Those students, all students, need teachers that genuinely care about them. You’re doing something great. You need to remember that.”

Emily was six years older than me and even if it was hard for us to connect sometimes, she gave really good advice. This was something worth listening to.

“Thanks, Emily. I needed to hear that.”

She smiled softly at me. “And don’t worry about rushing into another relationship either. I know the divorce is something you want, but I’m sure you’re still struggling to move on.”

I nodded, unable to form the words it would take to explain how very reluctant I was to even consider moving on.

“It’s not like he was a bad guy…” My lame attempt at an explanation fell as flat as it tasted in my mouth. It was so much more complicated than two well-meaning people moving on with their lives. There were so many subtle nuances that would take days to explain. I needed complicated pie charts and colored graphs. I needed to watch a movie of my marriage and analyze exactly where things went wrong. Saying Nick was a great guy, though, usually caused people to question all of my motives.

Was I having an affair?

Was I a cold, heartless bitch?

Had I been abducted by aliens who sucked out my soul and left me vapid and broken?

I hadn’t ruled out that last option yet. It might have happened.

Because why else would I have suggested that my husband leave me? For good.

Aliens were a legitimate possibility.

“Of course he’s not a bad guy!” Emily rushed to agree. “But sometimes… sometimes it doesn’t work out.”

It wasn’t her words that bothered me, but her lack of conviction. I hated that everything had become so personal to me lately. I couldn’t have a conversation without a reminder of how great Nick was and what an idiot I was for leaving him. I was as obsessed with myself as everyone else.