Every Wrong Reason(46)

He didn’t hesitate, “Definitely. Naomi and I weren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong for everyone or everyone’s wrong for me. There’s someone out there for me.”

“There is someone out there for you,” I told him honestly. “You’re a good guy, Eli. I’m sorry this didn’t work out.”

He cleared his throat and murmured thoughtfully, “Me too.”

I stood up after that. I didn’t know what else to say. Unlike Eli, I didn’t have the same perspective. My marriage wrecked me. I couldn’t do that to myself again. I didn’t want to.

The thought of going through that much pain again terrified me.

I was positive I wouldn’t survive it.

And frankly, I couldn’t hurt someone again like I’d hurt Nick.

Eli stood up too and his hand settled on my shoulder, but it was filled with nothing but friendly affection. At least on my part.

“I’ll take you back to school so you can get your car,” he offered.

“Thanks.”

We parted ways on good terms. I didn’t think there was enough interest on his part for him to be truly upset that I hadn’t wanted more. And honestly, I hadn’t known I didn’t want more with him until we went out.

Eli was all the things that I thought I wanted. He was thoughtful. He was attentive. He tried. But even after all of that, if I was truly honest with myself, he was everything that I wanted and still not what I wanted.

I drove home wondering if things would have been different if he’d given me more time or if I had been more willing to let go of the marriage I thought I couldn’t wait to get out of.

I wondered how long it would take for me to get over Nick. If I’d ever be ready to move on.

I wondered if I’d ever heal.

If I’d ever find myself again.





Chapter Thirteen


20. He won’t apologize.




The next week hailed Halloween and I was in the worst funk of my life. The divorce hadn’t moved forward. Nick was being difficult as ever and I hadn’t had the energy to fight him. Eli hadn’t just backed off pursuing me; he’d backed off everything. I felt like I lost a friend and that hurt worse than I was willing to admit.

In fact, loneliness had set in like concrete ankle blocks and I was worried that if just one more thing went wrong in my life, I’d tip off the end of a dock and sink to the bottom of an endless ocean.

Was that too dramatic?

Maybe. But I also knew that I had never felt this profoundly alone before.

I left home at eighteen and moved straight into a college dorm that I shared with Fiona for four years. I had spent summers in cheap apartments with friends. The year after graduation, while I planned my wedding, I lived with my parents. And then obviously I moved in with Nick. For better or worse, he’d been my constant roommate for my entire adult life.

I had never lived on my own. I had never really been on my own before.

I knew eventually I would grow used to it. At first it was even kind of fun, maybe a little weird, but mostly fun. I could do whatever I wanted without consulting another person. But it quickly stopped being shiny and new and the loneliness crept up on me. It coated the house that I loved and tainted my activities.

School became my life because when I left there, I knew I would have to go home to an empty house and have no one to tell about my day or share my struggles except Annie. And she rarely shared her opinion.

Sure, there was Kara, but even my best friend felt distanced by my issues. Besides, she had her own life to live. As close as we were, our entire relationship had revolved around my marriage. She always bent her schedule to meet my needs, to hang out when I didn’t have any other plans.

Now I was on the other side of that.

Her life didn’t revolve around me. I could understand that.

It was just hard when my life had revolved around someone else.

Now I felt lost. Adrift in a storm haunted sea.

A sunflower in a sunless sky. A flower that had no light to tilt my face to.

A year ago I had been so excited for Halloween. It really was one of the best holidays. It was all for fun. There were never family obligations to fulfill or gifts to buy or pies to bake. I could just celebrate something without extra stress.

Plus, I had always thought it was a great way to kick off the holiday season.

Until this year.

Halloween fell on a Saturday and I had no plans. Not even one.

Well, unless you counted the invitation from Kara to be a third wheel on her third date with the guy she met at her gym.

No, thanks.

They were headed to some super fun party and I couldn’t even muster enough energy to put shoes on.

I adjusted my cat ear headband and slumped down on the bench in my entryway. A huge bowl of candy sat in my lap and it was taking every ounce of self-control I had left not to tear into the wrapped sugar and flood my house with wrappers.

Apparently I’d jumped from the Divorce Diet to the Divorce-Eat-My-Weight-In-Chocolate Plan.

Which sounded awesome at this point.

The doorbell rang and I jumped, even though I had been expecting it. I moved to the door and pulled it open, ready for the trick-or-treating brigade I knew would be flooding my doorstep.

“Trick or treat,” Nick grinned at me.

I tried to hide my surprise while Annie danced around his feet and licked at his shins. “I’m supposed to give you candy.” I eyed the bags he held in his arms and tried to decide if I should be furious or burst into tears.