Eliza and Her Monsters(17)

I don’t want them to read it. Not only would it be without Wallace’s knowledge or permission, it would kind of ruin this happy little bubble I’m in right now. It’s a secret between me and Wallace, and I like it. I like being the only one who knows.

emmersmacks: What thing

MirkerLurker: Just some fanfiction. Haven’t read it yet though.

Apocalypse_Cow: is he on the forums? what’s his username?

MirkerLurker: Don’t know. We didn’t really get to that point.

I don’t even know if Wallace is on the forums, though I feel like it’s difficult not to know about the forums if you’re a Monstrous Sea fan. Maybe Wallace doesn’t post his work online.

Davy whines. I glance at the clock; it’s dinnertime. He’s standing at the door; I let him out so he can run to the kitchen, where Mom is already pouring his food. Church and Sully come pounding up the stairs as Davy goes down, and I shut my door before they can force their way into my room.

emmersmacks: Is that all you talked about?? Fanfiction??

emmersmacks: Boring

MirkerLurker: You’ve been watching too much Dog Days.

MirkerLurker: I’m pretty sure you don’t have to suddenly have some super-deep relationship with someone as soon as you meet them.

Apocalypse_Cow: are you saying we didn’t have a super-deep relationship as soon as we met?

Apocalypse_Cow: offended.

MirkerLurker: >.> MirkerLurker: I don’t know how to tell you this, Max, but uhhhh . . .

Apocalypse_Cow: no. the time has passed for all that. i am in a happy, committed relationship, and neither of you can talk me out of it.

MirkerLurker: How is Heather, anyway?

Apocalypse_Cow: well, she got a job with that modeling agency . . .

emmersmacks: -_-

Apocalypse_Cow: she’s teaching sixth grade.

Apocalypse_Cow: but she could be a model if she wanted!

Oh, thank god. A conversation shift.

MirkerLurker: Haven’t you been dating for like five years? Are you going to marry her?

Apocalypse_Cow: dunno

Apocalypse_Cow: if she says yes.

emmersmacks: ASK HER!!

emmersmacks: What are you waiting for???

Apocalypse_Cow: um

MirkerLurker: Leave him alone, Emmy. If he doesn’t want to ask yet, he doesn’t have to ask yet.

emmersmacks: Boo

Apocalypse_Cow: thank you, eliza.

Apocalypse_Cow: now, about that gentleman you spent the afternoon with . . .

MirkerLurker: We just ate lunch together!

Apocalypse_Cow: as you’ve said. however, i intend to get to the truth.

emmersmacks: Whats his name??

MirkerLurker: Wallace.

Apocalypse_Cow: . . .

emmersmacks: . . .

Apocalypse_Cow: . . .

emmersmacks: . . .

Apocalypse_Cow: . . .

emmersmacks: . . .

MirkerLurker: What’s wrong with the name Wallace?

Apocalypse_Cow: it’s, uh.

emmersmacks: Its silly as hell

MirkerLurker: Wallace isn’t a silly name!

Apocalypse_Cow: it makes me think of a cartoon character.

emmersmacks: There are hardcore potheads on campus named Wallace MirkerLurker: Why do you know the names of hardcore potheads on campus?

emmersmacks: Because theyre friendly

MirkerLurker: I am now concerned about your acquaintanceship with the potheads, but I’m not sure what you want me to do about Wallace’s name.

Apocalypse_Cow: he doesn’t go by Wally or something, does he?

MirkerLurker: He told me Wallace. So that’s what I’m going to call him.

emmersmacks: Are you hanging out with him again MirkerLurker: I don’t know. Probably. I have to give him his stuff back.

emmersmacks: You better keep us updated

MirkerLurker: On what?

Apocalypse_Cow: I second that.

MirkerLurker: Updated on what?

emmersmacks: I have homework to do

emmersmacks: but when we talk tomorrow there better be some GOOD NEWS

MirkerLurker: GOOD NEWS ON WHAT?!





CHAPTER 10


There is a small monster in my brain that controls my doubt.

The doubt itself is a stupid thing, without sense or feeling, blind and straining at the end of a long chain. The monster, though, is smart. It’s always watching, and when I am completely sure of myself, it unchains the doubt and lets it run wild. Even when I know it’s coming, I can’t stop it.

For example:

I know, when I walk into homeroom and return Wallace’s chapter, that he will probably say thank you—written, of course—and maybe smile a little, and that may be the end of it.

But I feel, standing outside the door, that I will walk in and give Wallace the papers and his eyes will skim over me in indifference because he’s realized he shouldn’t have wasted his time on me. He shouldn’t have asked me to read his work, because we don’t even know each other. Yesterday was a fluke, a bad move on his part. He knows that now. He must. Eliza Mirk is no one, to nobody. They should make that the headline of the Westcliff Star every day. ELIZA MIRK: NO ONE TO NOBODY.

I use my sweatshirt sleeve to wipe my forehead. My freaking eyebrows are sweating, and I can’t even tell Emmy or Max about it. A few people go in the room before me, and I creep inside in their shadows.

Wallace isn’t there yet. I put the pages on his seat and curl up with my sketchbook. I trace the lines on an old drawing, making them too dark and too thick. Wallace arrives a minute later, lumbers in, and grabs the papers before sitting down. He flips through them, stares at the drawing I did in the back over the Doctor Faustus quote. My sketchbook slips out of my hands, and I have to catch it between my legs.