Don't Look for Me(13)

And she told them what she’d just told Chief Watkins. She wasn’t going home. Not this time. Whatever anger she’d felt for her mother for what happened to Annie, the love was deeper, and it was in her bones. With her mother’s absence had come a powerful longing to reclaim those sweet moments that had been lost.

She could see the paths this new information would lead her down—conclusions of what may have happened if her mother hadn’t written that note. If she hadn’t walked away on her own. Two weeks had passed—none of the conclusions were good.

But for now, for right now, as she drove away, there was just one thought.

I’m not going home.

Not without my mother.





5


Day two





I awake startled. A body lies with me.

Nestled into the curve of my abdomen, head woven under one arm and resting on top of the other as I lie on my side in fetal position.

A little girl in my arms.

She doesn’t move even after my body jolts. Even after I lift my head to see her face.

“Are you surprised?” she asks. She asks this as though I’ve just opened a gift she’s presented to me.

Breath heaves in and out. The room is light. The bed is warm, but the air is cold against my face. Strange bed. Strange clothes. Strange house. It all floods back in.

And a dream lingers. A dream that I was holding Annie. The dream had lulled me into a state of bliss which now breeds despair.

I force myself to remain still.

“Yes!” I say. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I want to jump from this bed. I want to put on my clothes and run.

From where my head rests, I can see most of the room. And I can see that my clothes are gone from the places where I hung them to dry last night. And my purse—did I bring it into the house? Where did I leave it?

I give Alice a little squeeze but then I slide my arm out from under her head and sit up.

“I need to get some water from the kitchen,” I say.

She lets me go and I climb out from beneath the covers.

The lantern on the floor is off, or dead. My clothes are gone from every place. Every single place.

“How did you get under the covers without waking me?” I ask this with a playful tone because I don’t want her to sense the panic that grows.

She giggles and shrugs. “I’m good at sneaking,” she says.

Another smile and I make my exit. I close the door to the bedroom and walk down the hall to the kitchen. The house is dark. I try a switch but it’s dead. And that’s how the house feels with no power. Dead. I feel my heart beating in my throat. I hear my footsteps along the hard wood.

The kitchen is empty. I look farther down the hall into the living room. The part I can see is also empty. But through a window to the outside, I see the back of the truck. And blue sky.

The storm has cleared.

I step into the kitchen and search for a phone. It hangs on the wall near the stove and I go to it quickly and lift the receiver. I hear only silence.

Please.

I press down on the button again and again, but still, there is just silence. I place the receiver back on the wall mount.

A man’s voice stuns me. Stops me cold.

“I told you last night. The phones are out.” I turn quickly, instinctively. I do it before I have time to hide what is surely on my face.

The man stands in the doorway. He’s dressed in fresh clothing, but otherwise they’re the same. Jeans and a flannel shirt. He has a slight beard—thicker than last night—which tells me he doesn’t wear a beard. That he is just unshaven.

Beside him, clinging to his waist, is Alice.

She looks up at him. Tugs on his shirt.

“She told me she was going to get water,” she says. Then she looks at me like I’m the child and she’s the mother. And I’ve been naughty.

“I thought I would check the phone first,” I say. It’s normal, wanting to make a call. To call my family. Why do I feel defensive?

I see his eyes run up and down my body, and I remember that I’m wearing the clothes of another woman. A woman who used to live here. Or does live here. I have to stop making assumptions.

“I hope it’s okay,” I say, looking down at the clothes. “They were in the dresser, like you said.”

“They belong to my wife,” he tells me. “But it’s fine. I’m glad they fit you.”

“Oh … well, I hope she won’t mind. I can change if you tell me where my clothes went.” I have a cheery voice now because I feel hopeful and because I want things to be okay in this room. In this house. In this family. I feel hopeful that there is a family now. He said my wife.

“They’re in the laundry room. Hanging on a rack,” he says.

I smile. “Oh! Okay. I’ll go see if they’re dry. Should I leave these clothes in the washer for your wife when she gets back?”

Alice buries her face in his side as though she’s watching a scary scene in a movie. A scene she knows is coming. Maybe because she’s seen this movie before.

“My wife is dead,” the man says. His tone is neutral. Maybe he’s been instructed on how to speak about this in front of Alice.

Maybe I feel better now. At least there was a wife. A dead wife, a dead mother and her death would explain some of the behavior.