Dead to Her(20)

“Don’t say that,” she murmured. “Don’t take it all so seriously. You’re fine. Who cares if you have to take the pills? That’s what they’re there for.” She sounded calm, but her unease was growing. What if he changed his mind about her? What if she had to go home empty-handed?

“I want you to be happy,” he said. There was an edge of disgruntlement, of irritation, in his voice. Embarrassment in a man could be dangerous.

She leaned up so she could look at him. “I am happy. You know that. You’ve made me so happy. And safe. And that’s more than anyone else has in my whole life. I couldn’t be any happier.” She was amazed at how earnest she sounded given the enormity of the lies. “And,” she continued, “little blue pills or not, you satisfy me.”

He smiled at her then and she relaxed. Crisis averted. If there was one thing she understood about Billy, it was that he’d never abide any hint of pity.

“Jason’s booked us a boys’ weekend in Atlanta next weekend,” he said. “Delayed bachelor party.”

“That’s nice.” She kept her tone neutral, even though her heart tripped slightly.

“Something’s up with him and I can’t figure it out,” Billy continued. “And if he thinks I don’t notice that he can’t keep his eyes off you, then he’s crazy.”

She laughed aloud at that. If only he knew. If only. “He’s your friend. I think he’s just being nice,” she said. “And I guess if he’s been in charge or whatever while you’ve been away, it must be a bit weird for him if you’re changing your mind.”

“That’s true. I don’t know. Maybe I’m imagining it.”

“Go on your boys’ trip. You’re a smart man. You’ll figure it out.”

“You’re right,” he said, pulling her close to kiss her. “You want me to do that again?”

“I don’t think I’m ready.” She kissed him back, chaste, mouth closed. “That was amazing. How about we just snuggle?”

“Deal,” he said, chuckling. He reached over and flicked out the light, plummeting them into darkness. “Damn, it was a lucky day when I met you.”

As it was, although William was snoring within ten minutes, Keisha couldn’t sleep, not even after the wine and the Valium and the orgasm. It had satisfied her immediate lust momentarily, but the terrible desire for someone else was still there. She got up and headed down to the warm night air of the terrace, taking her old UK mobile with her. The cicadas were chattering, echoing the buzz of thoughts in her head. There had to be a way for her to have her cake and eat it too. She couldn’t live like this for much longer, with no excitement. It had been only four months with Billy and already she was suffocating. If this went on too much longer all her old anxieties would come back. She was never good when she felt trapped. Never.

When she’d met him, she’d wanted the rich life far away from home so much she hadn’t thought long term. The same old man every night. Keeping him happy while waiting endlessly for him to die or until she’d gotten enough hidden away to leave him. How much would be enough? Enough to satisfy Uncle Yahuba and free her from fear of Auntie Ayo. But also enough for her. She understood greed, it was a family trait, and greed took people to dark places. She wanted as much as she could get, what was wrong with that? She’d have earned it. And after that she never wanted to be under someone else’s control again. All her life she’d felt owned. No more.

But still, despite her hard and mean thoughts, she ached. Lust had always been her downfall and always would be. Pretending to love someone day after day was hard, when someone else she was sure she could love, who at least made her body hum, was so close at hand. Why couldn’t Billy just die?

She looked down at her old cell phone, chewing her bottom lip, before looking up again, hesitant, still thoughtful. She froze. Zelda was at her window, a still figure against a backdrop of light. She didn’t move as Keisha stared up at her. What was she doing? Was she spying on her? A strange unsettled feeling, a slight fear, prickled at her skin, as if Zelda had been standing there for hours waiting for her to appear. As if she could see into the darkness of Keisha’s thoughts. How did she appear from up there? As guilty as she felt? Box clever, she thought. Don’t show how unsettled you are.

She raised one hand to her forehead as if squinting in sunlight instead of darkness and then flashed a smile and waved. For a long moment Zelda remained so still Keisha began to wonder if the housekeeper had fallen asleep standing upright, and then the figure stepped out of sight before a blind dropped down. She hadn’t waved back.

Fuck you, Zelda, Keisha thought, returning her attention to her phone, her fingers flying over the keys. I’m going to have the last laugh for once, just you wait and see.





13.

Jason’s phone, beside the bed, was on silent but when the text came in the flash of screen light was enough to wake Marcie even without the quiet vibration. If he hadn’t moved, she’d probably have fallen straight back to sleep, but as it was, she felt the mattress shift as he rolled over to check it. That wasn’t like Jason. He usually slept like the dead. His body tensed and then he very carefully pushed the covers off and got up.

She closed her eyes and kept her breathing slow and steady. First there was only silence, a long pause in which he was probably making sure she was still sleeping, and then came the quiet sound of his tread as he crept, secretive, out into the hallway.