Darkest Before Dawn (KGI series)(104)
“The very last thing she needs is to wake up and see me,” Hancock said bleakly. “I won’t hurt her any more than I already have.”
“She’s out,” Conrad said. “She’s not going to come around anytime soon. Stop torturing yourself. You and I both know this wasn’t your fault.”
“The hell it wasn’t,” Hancock said in a savage tone that made the others flinch at the raw pain in his voice.
Conrad was wrong and Hancock knew it. It was his fault. He’d betrayed her and he’d failed her and that was unforgivable. But he took Conrad at his word that he’d sedated Honor so she wouldn’t waken until she was in a safe place, and he needed to see her. To touch her even though he didn’t deserve either. But he had to know just how badly Maksimov had hurt her.
He nodded curtly and then quietly slipped into the tiny bedroom where Honor was huddled on the bed. Even unconscious, she was in a protective ball, curled into herself, so vulnerable looking that his grief was a tangible ache in his chest.
He loved her. He f*cking adored her. He’d never loved anyone except his foster family, Eddie and Caroline Sinclair, the parents he never had. And his brothers, Raid and Ryker, and his precious baby sister, whom he’d also let down. It seemed he was forever hurting the people who mattered most to him. How could he ever look Big Eddie Sinclair in the face again after all he’d done? Before, he’d always known that his actions were a necessary evil.
But Honor was something he’d been utterly unprepared for. She’d slipped past his carefully erected barriers and somehow she’d become a living, breathing part of him. His other half. Now he understood what drove the Kellys in their absolute protection of their women, their wives. Because he felt it himself. But the Kellys hadn’t done to their women what Hancock had done to Honor, what he’d planned to do in the beginning with no regret or remorse.
Now, those were two emotions he’d keenly feel the rest of his life.
He slid onto the bed, moving inch by inch closer to her so he could smell her, feel her heat, touch her. It seemed an eternity before he finally had her nestled in his arms, and then he finally allowed himself to relax.
He buried his face in her matted hair, uncaring of the scent of dirt and blood. And then he wept. He wept for all he’d been given and for what he’d so callously discarded and betrayed. What was now lost to him forever.
Honor had changed him. She’d changed him on a fundamental level and though she now hated him, he would live the kind of life going forward that she would have wanted him to. He wanted to be the man she’d thought him to be. The only person who’d ever seen past the darkness that was ever present in his soul. He was done with Titan. Done with fighting for the greater good. He was finished being a man who didn’t even look at himself in the mirror because he no longer recognized the man staring back at him.
She’d given him the gift of herself, the very best part of him, and he’d thrown it away. All for the greater good.
CHAPTER 38
HANCOCK stiffened, coming to instant awareness when he felt Honor stir against him. Damn it! He’d drifted off, needing sleep and healing, but he hadn’t intended to stay this long. And she wasn’t supposed to regain consciousness until she was returned to her family. He didn’t even have another syringe so he could quickly inject her so she didn’t come to awareness.
He gazed anxiously at her, hoping she was just restless and would succumb once more to the drugs in her system. But he wasn’t that fortunate.
Her eyelids fluttered sluggishly and then she saw him. He tensed, awaiting her condemnation, her hatred, bracing for everything he deserved. But she simply stared at him with dull, lifeless eyes and didn’t react at all. Nothing. Fear skittered up his spine because she simply wasn’t there.
“I should have known,” she said in a monotone. “That you would be the one bringing me to ANE, not Maksimov. Ironic, isn’t it? You ‘save’ me from ANE and you’re the one to return me to them. Full circle.”
Saying nothing further, she turned, struggling, emitting gasps of pain that her movement caused as she turned away from him and curled once more into a protective ball, shutting him out, retreating into herself and a place where she couldn’t hurt anymore.
His torment was tearing him with its vicious claws. He felt every word to his tainted soul. He ached to hold her. To comfort her. To tell her all that was in his heart. But she wouldn’t believe him. She’d never believe him. As with everything else so precious he’d lost, he’d lost her trust as well.
He nearly put his hand on her shoulder, drawing back at the last second, because he didn’t want to cause her further pain and he had yet to determine the extent of her injuries.
“What did that bastard do to you?” he demanded, barely able to keep back the roar of fury that threatened to erupt.
One small shoulder lifted in a shrug. “Does it matter?”
“Yes, it goddamn matters! What did he do, Honor?”
She stiffened and he could feel her pain radiating from her tightly curled body, and it made him want to weep like a baby.
“You should know, Hancock,” she said, her tone weary, as if her barriers were slipping, as if the shields she’d constructed and the alternate reality she’d created in order to survive were slowly crumbling. “You told me what Maksimov would do. Just as you told me what ANE will do. Do you want all the gory details? Will it make you happy to know that I suffered? Are you concerned that he didn’t do all the things you said he would?”