Dane's Storm(36)

I twisted my legs around his hips, pressing my head into the mattress, running my hands over his biceps that bulged with the effort of holding himself above me as he sought his own orgasm. I ran my hands down his back, over the hard globes of his ass. We moved together, the glorious nature of this dance—the joy—causing my lips to tip upward. I felt free, bursting with life. With another soft cry of Dane’s name, I came again. I watched Dane’s face, drank in that beautiful grimace of pleasure that made my stomach tighten with a small blissful aftershock. But then his eyes opened and something passed through them, just under the pleasure. A small clearing, and it brought me from my dream-like state too. Yet still, I startled in surprise when he pulled out of me, the hot splash of his release across my lower belly bringing me up cold. Because . . . oh God, of all things to forget about . . . birth control. I hadn’t once considered a condom or . . . Oh Audra, what were you thinking? Audra, Audra, Audra.

Dane gazed at me, his expression cautious, and somehow I felt . . . shattered. Brought back to sudden, undeniable reality. That one action summed up everything I’d pushed away, everything I’d chosen to disregard by having sex with Dane. “Audra,” he said. His voice held a note of defeat as if all the thoughts in my head were clear on my face and they wounded him. Maybe they did. But I felt wounded too. Not by him, but by myself.

I scooted out from under him, sitting up on the bed, his release cooling on my belly.

“Audra, honey—”

I stood, practically running to the bathroom where I closed the door behind me, leaning back against it momentarily. I caught my reflection in the mirror and stared. My cheeks were red, my lips swollen, my hair in complete disarray. But my eyes . . . my eyes looked stricken. Grabbing a piece of toilet paper, I rubbed the sticky wetness off my belly, right over the three stretch marks I’d gotten at the end of my pregnancy, now white and shiny, only noticeable in the harsh lighting of the dingy hotel bathroom.

I traced the scars, swallowing. “God, what did you do?” I whispered to my reflection.

I’d hurt and grieved for years and years after we’d separated and now . . . now what? It wasn’t like we were going to get back together—that ship had sailed long ago. So, I’d willingly put myself back emotionally because I was so desperate for sex that as soon as he touched me, I lost all sense? All reason? God. I used the bathroom and then washed my hands, wrapping a towel around myself.

When I stepped into the room, Dane had put his jeans on but was still shirtless, sitting on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees. I bit my lip as I considered what to say. But before I’d figured it out, Dane sat up and held his hand out to me. I walked toward him tentatively and he took my hand in his, pulling me to the bed where I sat next to him. He tapped the side of his foot on mine and I let out a smile on a breath. “Please don’t regret this, Audra. Because I don’t.”

My heart softened. “I don’t . . . regret it.” I took in a big breath, releasing it slowly. “It’s been a long time.” I laughed softly. “I guess I was sort of—”

“Dammit, Audra, don’t minimize it either. That was more than scratching an itch and you damn well know it.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean? Talk to me.”

I sighed. “You were right, there is still that something between us . . . I . . . feel it too. Obviously.” I glanced at him, a small, embarrassed chuckle coming up my throat. He smiled gently, sweetly, his eyes watching me so closely, and my heart caught. I looked away.

“But?” he asked quietly.

“But”—I shook my head—“why are we even talking about this? You and I both know we can’t be more. We tried and failed. I don’t want to dredge all that up, and I don’t think you do either. I’m your ex-wife, Dane. Emphasis on ex.”

“So, you just want to have uncommitted sex with me?”

“What? No.” I laughed uncomfortably. “I mean, this was a one-time thing. Exes have sex sometimes. It happens. We live in different states so it’s not like it could become a regular thing anyway, which it couldn’t under any circumstances because I wouldn’t want that.”

“I know.” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking like he wanted to say something, but maybe not knowing what. I could relate.

Sorrow welled inside me, a desperate need for . . . something I didn’t want to think about. After a second, he reached for his shirt, where it lay crumpled on the floor. “I’m assuming you don’t want me to stay?”

“I mean . . . we both need a good night’s sleep. You have to fly tomorrow, and I want to be”—I cleared my throat—“well rested . . .” God, this was terrible and awkward and despite the fact that I knew I was doing the right thing, it hurt. Even letting Dane in this much hurt. That on its own was clear proof that to let him in any more would destroy me . . . again. My very soul cowered at the thought. And I could see he was wrestling with his own thoughts about what we’d done. We could both use some space from each other to work things through.

Did space help you work things through before? But that was different, and I pushed the question from my mind.

Dane stood, buttoning his shirt as he stared at me. He leaned forward, took my chin in his hands and kissed me, his lips lingering on mine. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said, and then he turned and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. I collapsed back on the bed, curling into a ball. Too much, too much, it was all just too much. I was too weak when it came to Dane Townsend. Never again, Audra. After tonight, never again.