DONOVAN (Gray Wolf Security, #1)(100)

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I finally fell into a restless sleep a little before dawn. When my phone’s alarm went off, I felt like I’d spent the night drinking instead of tossing and turning. A quick shower took care of a few of the aches and pains, but not all. Then I grabbed my keys and went in search of my mother and sister.

“You should eat, Harrison,” my mother said the moment she spotted me crossing the busy restaurant dining room toward her. “You don’t take good enough care of yourself.”

I ignored her in favor of straddling a chair beside Libby and stealing a few swallows of her hot coffee.

“How’s JT?” she asked.

I shrugged. The nurse I spoke to this morning said he was awake, but groggy.

“And Penelope?”

I shrugged again. I hadn’t asked the nurse that, but I wasn’t sure she would have told me anything, anyway.

“Who’s Penelope?” Mother asked.

I glanced at her, but I kept my thoughts to myself. I knew if I said what I was thinking, it would only blow up into this big fight and I really wasn’t up for that today.

“We should go. The pilot should be waiting.”

The drive was quiet, all of us lost in thought. I felt guilt for not being at the hospital. I don’t know why. I was restless when I was there, but I was restless when I wasn’t. I needed to be able to fix this, but I didn’t know how.

“It’s going to work itself out,” Libby said, reaching over to touch my hand.

I glanced at her, but I couldn’t agree or disagree. I just didn’t know yet.

The plane was sitting on the tarmac, the flight attendant standing in the doorway as we pulled up. Mother stepped out of the car immediately, walking like a member of the royal family to the waiting steps. I watched, not sure if I should be offended by her lack of a goodbye, or not.

“She thought she was doing the right thing,” Libby said softly.

“I know. That’s what makes it so much harder.”

I said my goodbyes to Libby, promising to be home as quickly as possible. I went out as soon as the plane was in the air, heading in the general direction of the hospital. But I remembered that I left my laptop in the hotel room, and I might as well get some work done while I was sitting at JT’s bedside. I only meant to rush in and out, but Julia knocked on the door, making my heart skip a beat at the thought that Penelope had finally come.

“I’m headed out,” she said with a soft smile. “I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“Don’t you want to see JT? Talk to him for a few minutes?”

The bright smile that had lit her eyes began to fade. “I thought I wanted to,” she said. “On the flight down here, I was actually excited about it. I kept imagining what that moment would be like. But then, when everything happened yesterday, when I saw Penelope in that waiting room…it just felt selfish.”

My eyes must have darkened because Julia suddenly grabbed my wrist, pulling herself closer to me.

“That’s not what I meant. What you’re doing is honorable, Harrison. You were never given a choice and if you had…well, maybe things would be different. But I knew what I was doing.” She squeezed my wrist lightly before she let go. “I made my choice sixteen years ago.”

“That’s what it always comes back to, isn’t it?” I asked. “Who had a choice and who didn’t.”

Her eyes fell to the floor for a minute. “I heard part of what your mother said to you yesterday. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but…”

I stepped back slightly. “It must have sounded pretty bad to you.”

She looked up, tears shimmering in her eyes. “You have no idea how many times I wondered what it would have been like if I’d told you myself and you had come back to New York. If you had chosen me and the baby over…whatever. I always imagined this great, adventurous life. But I don’t suppose that’s the way it really would have been.”

“I don’t know what it would have been like, but I would have chosen you, Julia. You should know that.”

A tear spilled down her cheek. “I know.” She stepped closer to me as she wiped the tear away and pressed both hands to my chest. “But I also know something else. In your mother’s position, back then, I never would have done what she did. But now? With my children? I’m not so sure.”

I stiffened. “You think she did the right thing?”

“Maybe not the right thing, but trying to protect your child is never the wrong thing, either.”

“Hiding my child from me was cruel and—“

“And her way of protecting you.”

Julia slid one hand up my chest and caressed my throat lightly, like she used to do all those years ago when we were lovers. I pressed my forehead to hers, not wanting to understand what she’d said, but remembering JT lying broken in that hospital bed and my need to take the burden of it from him, from Penelope. I hadn’t been a father for long, but I was learning what it meant to truly care for someone.

I still didn’t forgive my mother… but I could see Julia’s point of view.

“We probably won’t see each other again,” she said, her breath sweet as it washed over me. “But I want you to know that I never forgot you. And I still hold on to some of those what-might-have-beens.”