Crush(71)

Although frightened, I wouldn’t let him see it. Instead, I jerked away. Even with tears in my eyes I refused to look anywhere but at him. In his face I saw many things, and I think he might have even had a tear in his own eye. We stared at each other until that one tear slid down his cheek. When I finally looked away, I wondered whether he was crying over my mother being gone or being stuck with me.

It was the only tear I ever saw him shed.



The shrill ring of my phone startled me. Tiny flicks of hope bloomed beneath my skin as I practically skidded for the purse that I’d thrown onto my bed. Fumbling to get it out, I couldn’t help but think I had been wrong about Logan. My hands were shaking as I looked at the screen. The name Michael, not Logan, was what flashed before me. And just like that, all of my hope diminished. But then, what had I thought? That it was Logan, and even though he’d cleared out of my life, he’d miraculously changed his mind?

And what, that I was going to be okay with that?

The thought weakened my knees because yes, I would have been.

“Hello,” I answered as I sat on the still tangled sheets where Logan and I had lain a mere twelve hours ago.

“Elle, hey, are you home?”

Five seconds of silence.

“Elle?”

I composed myself as best I could. “Yes, I am.”

“Great. I just picked Clementine up from Erin’s and she’s been asking for you.”

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“Where’s Heidi?”

“I thought I told you. She quit. She was moving her things out today and I thought it would be best if we weren’t around.”

Concern for Clementine made my chest tighten. “Why? What happened?”

“It just wasn’t working out. The live-in thing isn’t for me. I have someone new starting Monday. I know it’s last minute, but it is Saturday. Any chance you haven’t eaten yet and would like to come over for a late dinner? We can talk about it then.”

The rain had kept me from taking Clementine on our Friday afternoon walk so I hadn’t seen her since Wednesday, and I did miss her. Besides, getting out of here wouldn’t be a bad idea. I tried to control the tremble in my voice. “As a matter of fact, I haven’t eaten. Dinner sounds great.” I had absolutely no appetite, but I did have a need to see Clementine. She was the only stable thing in my life.

“I’m about ten minutes away from your place. I can pick you up.”

“That would be great. I’ll be ready.”

“And Elle, if you haven’t arranged to purchase a new vehicle yet, you can take the Mercedes back until you do.”

Although I knew better than to rely on anyone but myself, I also knew right now that I shouldn’t turn it down. “I’d really appreciate that, Michael, but this time I promise it won’t be for long.”

My hands were still shaking when I hung up the phone. Heartbroken, I absolutely hated what was happening in my life right now. It felt out of control. For so long, it hadn’t been. For so long, it had been just the way I’d planned it. Right now, I felt like that teen under my father’s rule—lost and alone.

Soon enough I’d have saved enough money to make a down payment on a car and could stop relying on other people. Depending on others never ended well.

How had I ever allowed myself to become dependent on Logan? I was stronger than that.

Moving quickly to avoid letting my feelings take over, I hurried downstairs and grabbed some clean clothes out of the laundry room. I think I was in a state of shock over Logan leaving me, because what should have been sorrow was beginning to feel more like rage.

When Charlie left me I had been sad. Right now I was mad.

Coward!

I’d thought I knew Logan. I’d thought he was different. That he really, truly loved me. Me. But I had been wrong.

Staying away from here for a couple of days would probably be best. And I knew Michael wouldn’t mind. If I were alone, I didn’t know what I’d do. Thoughts of hunting Logan down and telling him how I felt were top on the list, though. His father’s and Molly’s were two more-than-likely places he’d be. But a psycho ex-girlfriend was nothing I wanted to be.

No, I’d leave things the way he did.

Silent and broken.

Tossing some extra clothes into a bag was all I needed to do. I’d left toiletries at Michael’s from my nights of staying over before Logan.

Beep. Beep.

Compartmentalizing my anguish was something I knew how to do well. I drew in a breath and headed for the door. Whenever I went to Michael’s I had to leave Logan behind, and this time would be no different.

The cool night air felt good on my skin but as I walked toward Michael’s car, I just couldn’t let go of Logan. I told myself to squelch the sadness that was looming over me. He was gone. The faster I could accept that, the better off I’d be. Still, I couldn’t help but remember how I thought he was different. How I thought he loved me in a way no one ever had.

That our love could conquer anything.

Mindlessly, I opened the door.

“Mommy!” Clementine shrieked as soon as she saw me.

All things Logan disappeared as panic set in. With my heart in my throat, my eyes darted to Michael.

He was shaking his head. “Clementine, Daddy told you, that’s Auntie Elle. Your mommy’s in heaven.”