Counting Down with You(6)

But still...

“Karina, your grades are consistently the highest in the class, and you’ve been a great help to the other students,” Miss Cannon says, squeezing my shoulder. “No one is more capable than you.”

I know she’s trying to encourage me, but her words are making me more anxious. I don’t want to let Miss Cannon down, not when she believes in me this much.

The idea of facing her disappointment twists my stomach.

With painstaking reluctance, I say, “Okay.”

Miss Cannon’s face lights up with a grin. “Thank you so much, Karina.”

“So...who’s the student?” I ask, shoving my hands in my pockets to hide the way my fingers are shaking.

“He’s in this class,” she says, waving a hand toward the left side of the room. “Alistair.”

An uneasy feeling spreads through me, like a heavy weight settling on my shoulders. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

“Alistair?” I repeat. “Alistair Clyde? As in Ace Clyde?”

Miss Cannon pauses. “Yes. Will that be a problem?”

I almost laugh hysterically. The world is clearly plotting against me. “No. Of course not.”

She eyes me, her brows rising as she scrutinizes my expression.

Her face starts to fall, and my heart feels like it’s pushing against my rib cage, making it difficult to breathe. The smallest hint of disapproval always sets off my anxiety beyond words. It’s hard to believe I never realized this until a few months ago, because it’s so achingly obvious now.

“Should I still come to your classroom after ninth period?” I ask, pushing forward. I can do this. I will do this.

Miss Cannon is still staring at me, so I paste a smile on my face, swallowing past the uncomfortable lump in my throat.

Slowly, she smiles back. “If you could go directly to the library, that’d be perfect. I’ll tell him to meet you there,” Miss Cannon says, handing over a folder. “I’ve already outlined a tutoring schedule, but feel free to deviate if you find a better way that works for both of you.”

My smile strains. “Okay. Thank you, Miss Cannon.”

After putting the folder away in my bag, I leave the room and see Nandini and Cora standing across the hall, speaking quietly.

They both smile when they see me, but Cora’s face falls almost immediately. “Are you good? Are you in trouble?”

“No,” I say, clutching the straps of my bag tighter. “Everything’s fine. Everything is...” I falter, unable to say more.

Cora starts to move toward me, her features clouded in concern, but Nandini wraps a hand around her wrist.

“Cora, give her some space,” Nandini says. A silent understanding passes between us, and I feel so grateful I could cry. “What’s up, babe?”

I shake my head and run for the closest bathroom. Inside, I enter a stall and slam the door shut, then force myself to take a deep breath, pushing the heels of my palms into my eyes. I just need a moment. A moment, and I’ll be okay again.

I barely know Ace Clyde, but tutoring him sounds like my worst nightmare. He’s notorious for slacking off.

The idea of letting Miss Cannon down causes my lungs to constrict painfully. How am I going to do this?

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Okay. I’m okay. I can face the world again without fear of bursting into tears.

I lift my head and unlock the stall. Cora and Nandini are standing in the bathroom doorway, but they don’t say anything as I walk to the sink and splash my face.

I look in the smudged mirror and have a vivid flashback to the night I asked my parents about hypothetically changing my major. My expression then was worse, tear-streaked and devastated. But the manic light in my eyes is still the same as then.

I grappled with the concept of having anxiety for a while. It took me a lot of Google searches and conversations with Nandini and Cora, but I’ve slowly come to accept it. It’s part of me, and it always will be. I just have to remember my countdown, and everything will be fine.

It’d be nice to get professional help, but that would require telling my parents. Maybe one day, when I’m in college and have more freedom, I can attend counseling. Until then, I have to make do with what I have.

I force myself to take one final deep breath. I’m okay.

“So?” Cora asks, shifting forward to stand in front of me. She holds out a pack of tissues. “What did Miss Cannon want?”

I offer her a tight smile. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. “She wants me to tutor Ace Clyde.”

There’s a beat of silence.

Another.

Another.

Another...

...And then Cora drops the tissues. “What?”



4


T-MINUS 27 DAYS

Nandini slides me a slice of pizza as soon as she comes off the lunch line, and I smile in thanks. “You’re the best.”

“Don’t ignore me, Karina. Are you being serious right now?” Cora asks, poking at her salad far too violently. “Ace Clyde?”

I roll my eyes and toss a napkin at her. My heart has calmed down to a respectable pace, and even though I’m still on edge, being around my friends helps significantly. “You’re such a gossip.”