Counting Down with You(48)

and yet you’re getting flustered...
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
why??????
Me:
STOP it’s not that serious omg
Me:
he just said it was a late promposal
Nandini Kaur:
AND UR BLUSHING BC...? TRY AND TELL ME U DON’T LIKE HIM
Me:
DOES IT MATTER? HE’S WHITE!!!!!!!
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
WHAT DO YOU *MEAN*
Nandini Kaur:
YEAH. HE’S WHITE. BUT LIKE??? PERHAPS THIS ONE (1) SINGULAR WHITE BOY IS WORTH YOUR TIME
Me:
that’s not what I meant
Me:
my parents would MURDER me if I even THOUGHT about a white boy
Me:
I told you guys before
Me:
no dating allowed. highkey wouldn’t be surprised if their plan is to find me a “perfect” husband after college
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
that’s a dumbass plan...
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
anyway! they don’t need to know!!!!!!!!
Me:
you know it’s not that easy
Me:
I just can’t
Me:
even if I liked ace it would never work out
Me:
we don’t have a future together
Nandini Kaur:
it’s high school you don’t NEED to have a future together
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
in all seriousness forget about ace for a minute
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
this isn’t about some random white boy
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
this is about you!!!
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
I know there’s obvs a lot I don’t understand bc of our cultural differences and stuff. but you know what I do know?
Cora Zhang-Agreste:
you deserve to be happy
Me:
I don’t want to talk about this anymore. can we please pay attention to the lesson?
I flip my phone over and look at the whiteboard. My skin is crawling and the room feels like it’s shrinking around me.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

The bell rings, jarring me out of my slow counting. I’m thrown for a moment. How did the class go by that fast?

“Hey, Karina,” Nandini says, coming to stand in front of me. She’s biting her lip. “Sorry about earlier. I know it’s not our business. It’s just—we want what’s best for you. You’re our best friend.”

I shake my head. “It’s fine.” My voice is weaker than I want it to be, and Nandini’s expression falls further. “I think I’m going to have lunch on my own today. I need some fresh air.”

Cora comes up behind Nandini, frowning. “We’re really sorry, Karina. Are you sure you don’t want us to come with you?”

“It’s fine,” I say again, lowering my gaze. “Next time, okay?”

“Okay,” Nandini says, reaching forward to squeeze my hand. Cora’s hand comes on top of hers. The weight is heavy. Usually, it would be comforting, and I am grateful to my friends for being so understanding about my anxiety, but right now it just feels like too much. Just having someone touch me is causing nausea to bubble up inside my stomach.

“Love you,” Cora says, retracting her hand after seeing my face.

“Love you,” I say and pull my hand back into the safety of my lap.

Nandini sighs but nods at Cora, gesturing toward the door. They leave after one last glance at me.

I completely forget Ace is sitting next to me until he raps his knuckles against my seat. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just not feeling well,” I say quietly, willing him to understand.

Ace observes my expression. “Is there anything I can do?”

I shake my head. “I—” My voice falters. “I’ll see you later for our studying session, okay?”

I pack my things, carefully tucking away the brown paper bag. Ace doesn’t protest as I leave. I’m glad. How can I speak to him right now, knowing that if I ever act on the feelings sprouting in my chest, we’re doomed to a relationship full of lies and secrets?

we’ll pretend it’s a game of lost and found
or maybe even hide-and-seek
and perhaps for a while
in the darkness of the night
it will be enough
until the sun comes bursting from the east
and we fall to the flames


25


T-MINUS 18 DAYS

I wander through the halls after gym class, my mind a haze of colors. I’m supposed to head toward the library for my tutoring session with Ace, but my feet seem to have a different plan.

Somehow, I end up in a staircase, my back against a radiator and my gaze somewhere far above me.

I can’t stop thinking about what Cora and Nandini said. You deserve to be happy. Just yesterday, Dadu said I look happy.

But does this brand of happiness fit in my life? Can I have it? Am I allowed to?

Since childhood, I’ve always tried so hard to make my parents proud. If that meant behaving the way they wanted, then I did. If that meant cutting television time to study math and science, then I did. If that meant staying home while all my other friends went to each other’s houses, then I did.

Everything they’ve asked of me, I’ve given. I’ve given and I’ve given and I’ve given, and I continue to give. But it’s never enough. There’s never a limit to what they ask of me.

There’s never a limit to what I’m willing to give.

All the years flash through my mind rapidly, and a horrible feeling rises in my chest, pushing up and up, battering against my rib cage and spreading through my lungs. It creeps up my throat, past the God-awful lump that I can’t get rid of, and through my veins.