Conflicted (Everlasting Love)(55)

She brought her lips to his and he tasted the saltiness of her tears along with the wild sweetness that had always been a part of her. “I know I’ve screwed up. I’ve made mistakes with you, treated you carelessly. But there is one truth that you have to know, that you can’t ever doubt.” Her hands clenched in his hair as she stared into his eyes, her own now mercifully dry and filled with conviction. “I love you, Jesse Rainwater. I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old and I will love you until the day I die. Marriage or no marriage. Divorce or no divorce. You will always be the only man I have ever loved.”

He stared at her for a long time, his own pain obvious even as he shook his head. “It’s too late, Desiree.”

“Why is it too late? I still love you and you still love me.” Her eyes met his. “You do still love me, don’t you?”

“I told you, it’s not about love.”

“Of course it is. If we love each other—”

“Are you really that naive?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve always loved each other, darlin’. For thirty-two years, I’ve loved you and I know you’ve felt the same way about me.”

“I have, Jesse, I—”

He held up a hand. “But too many things have been said, Desiree. Things that can’t be taken back. We’re just not good for each other.”

He cupped her cheek in his hand, brushing tenderly at the unending line of tears with his thumb. “I love you, but I can’t live like this anymore. I won’t live like this anymore.”

“It won’t be like this anymore. I’ve changed—”

“It’s not all you, darlin’. You’ve told me everything you’ve done wrong, but you left out all the mistakes I’ve made along the way.”

Her eyes widened in shock and he cursed himself. He’d been such an ass these past two years that it had never occurred to her that he could recognize his own mistakes, as well. “For twenty-seven years it’s bothered me that you wouldn’t let me make a home for us away from here. It’s made me bitter, made me feel inferior because I was living here, off of you.”

“Jesse, no!”

“I got so caught up in the emasculation I felt at not providing for you that I let it drive a wedge between us, a huge wedge that’s gotten bigger and deeper as the years have passed. I thought I could live with it. When Rio was born, I told myself I would live with it. And I have. But I’ve never let the feelings go, never moved past it. And because it was such a big thing for me, I couldn’t believe that it wasn’t just as huge for you.”

“Jesse, your contributions to this ranch and this family are huge. I’ve never doubted that.”

He nodded, smiling sadly. “I know that…now. Just like I know you’ve never thought about it the same way I did. But I can’t get past it in my own head. Even now, with our marriage destroyed, I can’t get past it. It’s broken me, Desi. It’s broken us and I don’t see how we can be put back together.”

“I can’t accept that.” The tears were gone and in their place was the determination he knew so well.

“I don’t think you have a choice.”

“The hell I don’t. We can still fix this.”

He shook his head. “I thought you’d hired Tom to replace me.”

“Jesse, no.” Her eyes were wide and shocked. “You couldn’t have.”

“I did. That’s what I mean, darlin’. There’s no trust left between us. I go through life expecting you to hurt me and you do the same. That’s not a marriage.”

“So you’re just going to give up? Run away?”

He stiffened. “I’m not running away.”

“What would you call it?”

He shrugged. “Strategic disengagement.”

“What is this—a war?”

“It has been, for a very long time. And I’m tired. I can’t fight anymore.”

“So you’re going to quit on us?”

“I don’t know what else to do.”

“Help me fix what’s wrong.”

“How, Desiree? I can’t wave a magic wand and win the Triple Crown for you.”

“Maybe it’s not meant to be won.”

It was his turn to stare at her. “What did you just say?”

She shrugged. “Forty years is a long time to go without a winner. Maybe there’s a reason for that.”

He shoved a hand through his hair as he continued to stare, openmouthed, at her. “Are you kidding me?”

“Do you really think that stupid prize is more important to me than you?”

“It’s been the most important thing in your life for more than twenty years, Desiree. That doesn’t change overnight.”

“It is when I’m hit between the eyes with a sledgehammer.” She held her hand up as he began to speak. “But, to be honest, I’ve spent the past year figuring out that trying to prove myself to a dead man is useless. It’s worse than useless and it certainly isn’t worth our marriage.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do mean it.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Until next year, when we lose the Derby or the Preakness.”