Bro Code(15)

“Hi, honey.” Our eyes meet for just a moment before Mom turns back to the stove and stirs something. It looks like the same soup she used to make when we were all squeezed in under one roof; the more ingredients, the better. “Just give me one second.”

Waiting there with my hands in my pockets, it's impossible not to feel awkward. I miss the Saunders' place already, teasing Ava while doing my part to help cook. It felt warm, like a home, and I instantly miss that feeling of watching her eyes light up while I talk to her. Here, I can barely breathe past the steam and too many smells colliding in the small space.

Mom breaks away from the food just long enough to pull me into a polite hug, arms loose against the stiffness of my back. “I'm sorry we didn't have any space for you to stay this time with your old bedroom being turned into an office and all. I barely had enough chairs for dinner.”

That explains the metal fold-out one by the living room table. “Don't worry about it, Mom. At least we get to eat together, right?”

“Right.” Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes when she pulls away from me.

I return to the living room and sit down with the intention of trying to make small talk, but the conversation is dominated by my two toddler nieces, so I settle for smiling and watching them play on the floor. My half-brother Jonathan and his wife are bickering, and my half-sister Kimberly seems more interested in playing on her phone than catching up.

Mom calls my name from the kitchen, and I'm happy to escape the awkwardness and lend a hand.

When I enter behind her, she's wiping her hands on a towel and surveying her work.

“Dinner is just about ready. Can you help me carry some of these dishes into the dining room? And then call everybody over to the table so we can get started?”

Things have felt different ever since my stepdad passed away a few years ago, and I wish I could wrap my mom in a big hug and ask her if she's really okay. But I know she'd just give me a look and say of course. So, I don't. Instead, I head into the living room and announce that dinner's ready.

It takes a few minutes of wrangling to get everyone in their chairs, especially since mine is backed against the corner. My nieces sit on either side, leaning forward so they can talk to each other, but Jonathan seems more occupied with the beer he just snagged from the fridge than any kind of dinner conversation. When Kimberly sits down, I notice a new ring on her finger.

“Kimberly, did you get engaged?” I ask.

She seems surprised that I noticed, but instantly lights up with excitement. “It was right over the holiday. Roger finally asked me, which is a relief, because I thought he never would.”

Jonathan chuckles to himself. “That's another one tied down in the family. You better start catching up, Barrett.”

“We're not all running on the same path with the same end goal in mind,” I say, biting my tongue against another comment when Mom comes over with piping hot bowls of soup. Jonathan got married at twenty-one, and it seems Kimberly won't be far behind him.

“Does the firm still have you working those long hours?” Mom frowns, taking her seat between my siblings. “They should really think about people trying to get settled in with their lives and with family.”

“I'm settled, Mom. If you came down to Chicago sometime and saw my place, you'd know that for sure.”

“She's worried because you're the oldest,” Jonathan mutters, into the opening of his beer bottle.

“There's nothing to worry about,” I counter firmly.

Kimberly runs a thumb fondly over her engagement ring before looking at me. “But isn't it lonely? Being all by yourself in that big city.”

I almost blurt out that I feel more alone boxed into this corner than I ever have in the city. How many people there are surrounding you doesn't really matter when it comes to feeling welcome. And as for Kimberly? Maybe I'm just bitter, but the fact that her fiancé isn't even here tonight speaks volumes.

“No. It's exactly what I need.” Searching for a distraction from the subject, I dig into my dinner, but even after the silverware starts clattering, everyone's eyes stay on me. “Honestly, I don’t even have time. Besides, why would I stop at the middle of the ladder and get married when I can climb all the way to the top?”

As soon as the words have left my mouth, I know the sentiment will be lost on them.

“Because you're in your thirties now, Barrett.” Mom sighs. “I can't remember the last time you told me about a special woman in your life.”

I stare at her in disbelief. This house was so crowded that she doesn't even have a place for me to sleep, or a real spot at the table, and yet I'm supposed to bring a wife and kids back home? They wouldn't feel like they belonged any more than I do.

“The girls are getting into gymnastics,” Jonathan chimes in, and my mom's entire face lights up as she leans in to ask them questions about it.

My nieces happily babble on either side of me, as if I wasn't there at all. When my mom promises to come to their first practice, an ache settles deep in my chest. I had years of games, and she hardly managed to come to any of them. I'm not sure if she's telling the truth, or making another promise she can't keep.

I tell myself it doesn't matter.

Kimberly catches me frowning, and flashes a kind smile my way. She's the youngest out of all of us and was never anything but sweet, except we grew up so many years apart that there never seemed to be anything to talk about. With a wedding waiting in the wings, I imagine that's the only subject on her mind right now. So, I opt for ending the awkwardness and bring that subject up with her.