Breathe for Me(36)

“He was right.” Xander laughed. “He sounds nice.”

“He was.” And it was also stupid the way her heart stuttered at Xander’s easiness in hearing about her former fiancé. She tried to steel herself. It was a good reminder that Xander wasn’t after a relationship—that the lapse in their initial boundaries didn’t actually mean anything more. Because if he was starting to fall for her, wouldn’t he go all jealous and not want to know a thing?

She sure as hell never wanted to know about his past lovers. Jealousy surged at the mere thought. She hated them all. Worse, she was terrified she wasn’t a match for them in bed. The guy had experience. It oozed out of him. He hadn’t gotten to be such a hot lover with only the one other lay.

“Tell me more about him,” Xander said.

Yeah, see there you go. So not bothered. “We met at college,” she answered. “We were in the same class. First year.”

“He was an urban planner too?”

She nodded. “He was funny. Kind. Talented. It was…” Different to this. “So easy. We were just happy.”

It had been sweet. He’d been caring. They’d had plans to go into business together and forge a partnership across all areas of their lives. She’d loved the idea. It had beckoned, secure and safe. She’d wanted that so much.

“He was your first serious boyfriend?”

She nodded. “My only.”

Xander’s eyes widened. “And now this?”

She nodded again. “This.” She’d dived headfirst into a hot and heavy ‘arrangement’ with the most testosterone-laden man she’d ever encountered. The most outrageously sensual. The most playful. Probably not the smartest thing to have done but she was committed now.

“Did you play the fantasy game with him?” His question was sharpened with a rough edge.

She flushed and looked away. “I’m… not.” Discussing this. She couldn’t.

“You didn’t.” He inhaled deep.

“Xander, please.” She squirmed with embarrassment, sliding right under the sheet.

He was silent for a while, then sighed. “Sorry. That was rude of me.”

“No.” She shook her head, pushing back the sheet so she could look at him again. She hated the way he’d retreated—his expression now blank. “It’s okay.”

It was a fair enough question, she was just too inhibited to answer properly. It should be okay to tell Xander anything. He’d told her often enough.

As she lay looking at his strong features, she felt the slipping of a barrier within herself. She could tell him. He didn’t judge, wouldn’t. He was utterly accepting. Finding someone like that was rare. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

Was it that simple? Could she tell him anything and he just listen and not judge? Her burden had become too heavy. Xander was so strong, she had the incredible urge to offload to him.

“The accident was my fault. I caused it.”

He immediately rolled to his side to face her, his eyes serious, concerned, sympathetic. “What happened?”

She breathed in. “I’ve never told anyone.”

He didn’t touch her. Didn’t try to console her. He didn’t move. Just kept looking at her with that strong, steady gaze. “You can tell me.”

“I know.” She did know that now.

He still didn’t move. Didn’t smile. But she sensed the slightest softening.

“We’d been out,” she started, her voice hideously wobbly. “It was a really big night but—”

“You fought?”

“No,” she whispered. It had been so much worse than that. “We’d gotten engaged that night. I was a little drunk.”

“Was he?”

“No.” She shook her head. “He was really solid like that. He’d never drink and drive.”

“It was just the two of you?”

“Yes.” She gripped the sheet over her icy body. “We’d gone out for dinner. I’d finished the champagne myself. We were celebrating. We danced.”

“You were happy.”

“So happy. And silly.”

He waited a long moment. “What did you do?”

“It was quite a drive back to my parent’s house. They live a bit out of town.”

She rolled to her stomach and stared at the pillow between them. She couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. “I wanted to have some fun. I wanted to do something for him.” She bent her head. “I turned the music up loud. It was one of those sexy dance anthems. I did a strip. Distracted him. I didn’t even realize we were on the bridge. He was laughing,” she said. “He was looking at me and laughing. And I was laughing back at him.” She’d never tried such a thing before. “I was trying to act sexy but I was self-conscious at the same time.”

“You didn’t usually vamp for him?”

She shook her head. “I was young and shy and not that experienced…”

“But you wanted to.”

She nodded her head. “And he loved me. I wanted to play up for him. Wanted to give him something he’d never forget. You know, ‘how to blow his mind’—like something you read in those damn magazines.” She closed her eyes—bringing the darkness back—but she forced herself to keep speaking, recounting the horror. “Next thing I know the horn is blaring and the car is sinking and it was so dark. There wasn’t any traffic behind us. No one saw. I was frantic. I unclipped my belt. I was a strong swimmer, Xander. Always been a strong swimmer…”

“But your leg?” he prompted.

“Got crunched in the smash. Broke in three places.”

“But that didn’t stop you swimming down to save him.”

She turned her head to look at him. “I’ve never told anyone. I figured my clothing could easily be explained from the swim out. But…”

He waited, his eyes compassionate.

“He was still fully dressed. Jeans.” She frowned. Denim dragged a person down in water. “I’d been going to undo his fly. Was going to get him to pull over and I’d…” She stopped. “I should have owned up. I’m so guilty.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was,” she sobbed.

“No.” Xander leaned towards her, his words tumbling. “He could have been distracted by anything—a bug on the windshield, a tyre could’ve blown, a truck coming the other way with lights on full beam… so many things.”

“But it was me.” She sat up. “For crying out loud, I was all but naked and about to go down on him. It was me.”

“It was still an accident,” he said firmly. “And you tried to rescue him. No one could have tried harder.”

She paused, tears streaming down her face. “I dived and dived. I tried so many times. And I finally got him freed—got him to the surface. But he was already dead. He was killed on impact.” There’d been no water in his lungs. He’d died before he’d had the chance to drown. She’d tried so hard to save him and it had been too late.

“You hadn’t known that.”

“I thought he was knocked unconscious. I couldn’t leave him to drown.”

“No,” he said. “Hell Chelsea, I am so sorry.”

Not as sorry as her. “I’ve never told anyone. Not my parents. Not his.” Her whisper was so small she could hardly hear herself. “They supported me so much and I feel so guilty.”

He looked at her somberly. “You want their forgiveness?”

She nodded. She did. She wanted it all to be okay. She wanted to turn back the clock. Nearly two years on and she still couldn’t move past it.

He leaned closer. “You need to forgive yourself first.”

She shook her head. “I can’t.”

“You loved him. You never wanted to hurt him,” he said quietly. “Maybe you have to trust in fate. Maybe it was just his time. If not distracted then, then hit by a bus the next day.”

“I shouldn’t have done it.”

“It was a mistake. Wrong timing. He could have told you to stop.”

She shook her head.

Xander put a hand over her fist, holding her firmly. “You have to let this go or you’re never going to be able to move on. You have to accept that what happened, happened.” He looked at her. “Is this why you don’t like to initiate sex anymore?”

Shocked, she gaped at him.

“You need me to take control,” he continued firmly. “You need to please me.”

She yelped in distress then clamped her mouth shut.

“You’re a generous person, and I see what you’re doing.” Xander kept talking. “If you make it good for me, make it all about what I want, then that makes it okay for you to enjoy it too. Because you’re putting my wants first. Is that how this is working for you?”