Big Swiss(67)

OM:?Oxytocin is a very powerful drug. Women produce more oxytocin than men. So, you’re not only high on dopamine, your brains are also flooded with oxy.

FEW:?I don’t see myself ever identifying as a lesbian.

OM:?Do you look alike, by any chance?

FEW:?Not really.

OM:?Are you sure about that?

FEW:?We’re not even remotely in doppelg?nger territory. [PAUSE] I hope you’re not suggesting I’m a narcissist, or that I’m falling in love with myself. As you may recall, I’d never even masturbated until recently.

OM:?Are you in love with her?

FEW:?It feels that way.

OM:?I’m only saying that the risk for love addiction is strong, and you should proceed with caution. Resist the urge to merge. Maintain your separate identities. Do you connect in other ways, other than sexually?

FEW:?We’re not aligned intellectually—philosophically, I should say. We’re not preoccupied by the same things, and we don’t share the same interests. I don’t read novels or watch movies, and I don’t dwell on the past. I’m interested in science, nature, things that take me outside of myself.

OM:?Okay, so—not that it’s a bad thing, but are you only showing up for the sex?

FEW:?Sometimes it feels almost spiritual. Maybe I’m supposed to learn something from her? She acts like she’s having a religious experience.

OM:?Which religion, if you had to hazard a guess?



“The Church of Euthanasia,” Greta said.


FEW:?[PAUSE] Hare Krishna.

OM:?Interesting.



“Kill me,” Greta said.


OM:?Is she also married?

FEW:?Never married. No kids, no real career, no assets, no retirement, no plans or future goals. She just lives day-to-day like an animal. Sometimes she seems… lost.



“You mean free?” Greta said.


FEW:?It’s kind of difficult for me to relate to her, honestly.

OM:?Is she an artist?

FEW:?She’s a recluse. With a little white dog.



“White and black,” Greta said, correcting her.


FEW:?Her dog is beyond spoiled. It’s probably better that she doesn’t have kids. He doesn’t come when she calls him. He’s small, but he has a big personality.

OM:?Does Detective Benson also have a big personality?

FEW:?No, but she carries herself like a famous person. If we’re outside, she’s always looking over her shoulder, as if she’s worried about being photographed by paparazzi.



“Or just run over,” Greta said. “By Keith.”


FEW:?Otherwise, there’s an air of doom about her. She seems profoundly lonely. It’s part of my attraction to her. She reminds me of the church bells of my childhood. In Geneva, all the church bells ring at the same time, every hour on the hour, in every corner of the city, and it’s the most melancholic sound I’ve ever heard, but also beautiful. I think that’s why the suicide rate is so high in Switzerland.



“So, I make people want to kill themselves,” Greta said. “Wonderful.”


OM:?Have you told her about Keith yet?

FEW:?Yes.

OM:?What about Luke?

FEW:?Of course. She knows I’m married.

OM:?Does Luke know of her existence?

FEW:?I’ve told him little bits. He just thinks of her as my new friend, and he assumes she’s emotionally needy.

OM:?Is she?

FEW:?Very. I tend to attract damaged people like her. Broken toys.



“What the fuck?” Greta said.


FEW:?I think she’s attracted to me because I’m stable and secure. I have my life together in a way she’s probably not used to, and sometimes I feel like I’m helping her.



“Excuse me?” Greta said.


OM:?And maybe she’s also attracted to your beauty?

FEW:?We’re about equal in that department.



“Well, well, well,” Greta said. “Hare Krishna.”


OM:?You must make quite a pair, then.

FEW:?I love being in public with her, but we don’t get out enough. We spend most of our time in bed. Her bed. I’ve tried dragging her out for drinks—she won’t go. But she’s agreed to come to my house to meet Luke.

OM:?Sounds slightly… risky.

FEW:?You mean crazy?



“Yes,” Greta said.


FEW:?It was his idea. He wants to meet the mysterious older woman I’m spending all my time with. I showed him a picture, but he wasn’t satisfied. He’s insisting on having dinner at the house.

OM:?Is it my imagination, or are you not concerned about getting caught?

FEW:?When I finally come clean, I think it will be better that he’s met her. Who knows, maybe I’ll ask him to invite his new “friend” to dinner, as well.

OM:?Does the idea of an open marriage hold any interest or appeal?

FEW:?I can make ideological space in my mind for it, but in practice it might be…



“Suicide?” Greta said.


FEW:?Challenging. But it’s something I fantasize about trying. I’ve even read a few books about it.

OM:?Which ones?

FEW:?Beyond Monogamy, More Than Two—