Big Swiss(3)

FEW:?Where do you imagine I’m from?

OM:?Hang on, let me think. You’re from… the Midwest somewhere. Not Illinois. Not Ohio. No, not Nebraska—

FEW:?Don’t hurt yourself. I’ll just tell you. I was born in—

OM:?Wait, I got it. Michigan!

FEW:?No.

OM:?You’re originally from Wisconsin.

FEW:?Wrong.

OM:?Minnesota?

FEW:?I’m from S—

OM:?South Dakota.

FEW:?Switzerland.

OM:?That’s why you’re so tall and blond!

FEW:?Switzerland. Not Sweden.

OM:?It’s funny, I grew up listening to ABBA on cassette—

FEW:?Swiss, I repeat. Not Swedish. Swiss. Like the cheese.

OM:?Aren’t there a lot of tall, blue-eyed blondes in Switzerland?

FEW:?There are many. But most Swiss people are brunettes of average height, and my eyes are gray.

OM:?So they are. Remind me what else Switzerland is famous for.

FEW:?Cheese, chocolate. Suicide, I guess.

OM:?Is everyone killing themselves in Switzerland?

FEW:?Well, it’s legal. Suicide tourism is big there right now.

OM:?Are you, or have you ever been, suicidal?

FEW:?No.

OM:?How long have you lived in Hudson?

FEW:?I don’t live in Hudson. I live on the other side of the river. I moved to the US for college.

OM: ?Your voice is very unusual—and interesting—and I’m wondering, do you sing? Are you a singer?

FEW:?I’m told my voice is like a blade. When I pick out pastries at the bakery, it sounds like I’m ordering someone’s execution.

OM:?Says who?

FEW: ?Various people. My mother says my voice loosens the teeth in her head.

OM:?Wow. What a curious thing to tell your daughter.

FEW:?She’s been saying that to me for years.

OM:?I’m wondering if you see your trauma as being part of your… aura.

FEW:?No.

OM:?The word “aura” is present in the word “trauma,” I just realized.

FEW:?If anything, something in my aura may have caused the trauma. Or in any case, my aura made the trauma worse.



“What trauma?” Greta said out loud.


OM:?Don’t you think you might be uncomfortable with people near your face because of what happened?



“What?” Greta said.


FEW:?You want me to say yes. You seem to want cause and effect.

OM:?Well, it is a real thing. You must have been affected in some way. Can we talk a little bit about how your trauma has affected your relationships?

FEW:?Can we stop using the word “trauma”?

OM:?Why?

FEW:?I don’t use what happened to me as an excuse.

OM:?An excuse for what?

FEW:?Laziness or inertia. I don’t use it to explain my own rage or aggression. I’m not attached to my suffering. I’m not attached to what happened to me. I don’t believe it explains everything about me, because I haven’t made it part of my identity. I’m a worker, not a wallower. I would never call myself a “survivor.” I’m just—I’m not one of these trauma people.

OM:?What’s a trauma person?

FEW:?Someone who can’t stop saying the word “trauma.” Trauma people are almost as unbearable to me as Trump people. If you try suggesting that they let go of their suffering, their victimhood, they act retraumatized. It’s like, yes, what happened to you is shitty, I’m not denying that, but why do you keep rolling around in your own shit? If they stopped doing that for two seconds and got over themselves, even a little, they might actually become who they were meant to be.



“Whoa,” Greta said. “Hello.”


OM:?So, suppose someone has been gang-raped at gunpoint and can’t seem to pull themselves together, stop drinking, return to work, or find meaning in their lives, would you tell them to just “get over themselves”?

FEW:?Well, there is a hierarchy, isn’t there?

OM:?I don’t think so.

FEW:?If you didn’t think there was, you wouldn’t have used that example. You would have said, “Suppose someone has been molested by a neighbor” or “neglected by their mother” or “bullied all their lives.” But there is a hierarchy. Trauma people don’t like to hear that. To them, all trauma matters.

OM:?Where would you place your trauma on the hierarchy?

FEW:?All I’m saying is that trauma doesn’t get you a lifelong get-out-of-jail-free card. It also doesn’t necessarily confer wisdom, or the right to pontificate, which I realize I’m doing right now.

OM:?Well. I’m willing to concede that life handles some people more roughly than it does others, and that you do have a choice in how you deal with it. You can decide what you want to do with it, but not until after you address it, which—I’m sorry to say—involves talking about it, for as long as it takes, identifying fears and triggers—

FEW:?Triggers. God. This is why I’m not crazy about therapy. I really hate the language.

OM:?Do you have nightmares?

FEW:?What?

OM:?Do you have night terrors or trouble sleeping?

FEW:?I have bad dreams occasionally, like any other human being.

OM:?Do you consider yourself an addict?