Bet on It (85)

Walker’s big hand wrapped around her wrist, making her feel small and dainty in a way that made her shiver.

“I don’t feel like I’ve been keepin’ it together here lately,” he said. “Do you?”

She’d barely been able to get out of bed in the morning. It was all she could do not to sink into her sheets and never come out. But that feeling might be nothing compared to what happened if she lost him a second time.

“No,” she admitted. “But you left me, Walker. You left me standing right here in this exact room, naked. You ran out, and you didn’t even have the respect for me to tell me why you were doing it. That hurt. It hurt me so much I can’t even explain it. And I don’t want to be hurt again, Walker. Not by you. There’s only so much I can take.”

He cupped her cheek, thumb running circles on the apple, catching the slow tears that fell. “Knowin’ that I’ve caused you pain is a stain on my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for it. For makin’ you cry, for makin’ you think for even a second that you’re not the most incredible thing my foolish ass has been lucky enough to encounter. I was just scared, and because of that, I acted like a coward.”

“Did I scare you?” she asked him, almost ashamed of how weak her tone was.

“You scared the hell out of me,” he admitted. “But it wasn’t because you did something to scare me, it was because…” He paused, running his fingers over his forehead. “Look, that night, when Gram called me, she told me that my dad was goin’ to be rollin’ through town the next day. I knew he was goin’ to want to hash shit out and talk about our past and our future and I broke the fuck down. I couldn’t handle it. I wasn’t ready. I’ve told you a bit about my childhood, but I left a lot out. It was bad, Aja. My dad was so sick that he was just”—he shook his head—“completely out of it a lot of the time. I was doin’ everything for myself. Makin’ meals out of whatever crap we had in the kitchen, takin’ a bath every night … I was practically raisin’ myself before I could write my own name. Dad would be home, high as a kite, and I’d have to sit there with him, scared to death, watchin’ him ride out his high until it was over in case somethin’ real bad happened.

“The night I got taken away, he’d had me in the car with him when he went to meet his dealer. And it sure as hell wasn’t the first time. I was with my dad constantly. I saw the worst parts of his life. The times he was so high that he pissed himself. When he had to stand on corners in town begging for change so he could feed me and get his fix. I absorbed it all so young, and it fucked me up. He fucked up as a parent and I … It took me a long while to figure out if I wanted to let him into my life.”

“Jesus, Walker.” Her expression was colored with sympathy. She hoped he didn’t read it as pity. “I’m so sorry you were put through that. I’m so, so sorry.” She understood his reaction a lot better now. It still hadn’t been cool to leave like that, but she understood. Walker had been dealing with the culmination of a lifetime’s worth of pain and confusion, and he’d thought his only way out had been to run. She could understand that.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You’re sure that you can handle seeing him now? Even after all that?” She shook her head. “I can’t imagine anyone would hold it against you if you weren’t ready, now or ever.”

“I’m here now,” he said simply. “Earlier today, I finished a conversation with a man I’d been avoiding talkin’ to for over a decade. I’d say I’m ready.”

She wanted to touch him so badly, but she held back. She didn’t know what her brain would start doing if she did. This wasn’t something she could afford to just follow her feelings on. She needed to use her head too.

“What do you mean ‘you’re ready’?’ she asked. “Ready for what.”

He caught her eyes, staring at her silently. The look on his face was one she’d never seen before. But even before he got the words out, she knew what he was about to say—could feel it somewhere deep inside.

“I’m ready to tell you that I love you.” He stepped closer. “I’m ready to be the type of man you deserve. One who’s honest and open about how he feels. I want to come to you as whole as possible, Aja. I don’t want to put you through the pain of being with a man who can’t let you know when he’s havin’ a hard time.”

She looked up at him through teary eyes. “It hurts me to think about letting you go, Walker. It makes me feel like I could lie down and never get up. But if you don’t actually mean what you’re saying about putting effort into us, I need you to leave. Because I love you too. Of course I love you, how could I not? It seems like every single moment we spent together this summer was perfectly designed to make me fall for you. But I can’t put myself in a situation that isn’t good for me.”

He was forced to wipe away more of her tears, because the longer she looked at him, the faster they came. She was completely overwhelmed. Terrified and excited all at once, vibrating where she stood. So many possibilities stood before her.

Some could lead to a world of pain. Heartache and sorrow the likes of which she’d never known—which was truly saying something when it came to her. The rest could mean a type of happiness she’d never been able to fully envision for herself. A life where she lived with a person who took her as she was, loved every single part of her. Every anxious quirk and panic-induced decision.