Be Good A New Adult Romance (RE12)(5)

I just kept thinking about the way he so carefully washed my face after I threw up. And the way he embraced me and comforted me when I broke down and cried. I thought about Brett’s warm smile and tender green eyes—and his clown hair, which wasn’t actually clown hair anymore.

And I thought about that look of disgust on his face when I left his room. Many people had looked at me with hatred and contempt, or even disappointment. I seemed to bring those feeling out of people on a semi-regular basis (Flaw 11). But the look that Brett gave me was something I had never seen before. Or maybe if felt different because the look he gave me actually hurt so much. Brett had managed to touch me in ways that no one had touched me before. It scared the hell out of me but it also intrigued me.

Before I could stop myself, I typed Brett Conner into the search screen. Of course, thousands of names popped up because Conner was a common name. I decided to look through the photos of the wedding that people had posted to see if Brett was in any of the shots and if he had been tagged in any of the shots.

I cringed when I saw some of the photos of me looking like a slut on the dance floor. I certainly earned my reputation for being a fun party girl. I was tagged in hundreds of photos. A lot of people considered me a friend although few people truly knew me. I never let people get that close, not even my parents and siblings.

I scrolled through the hundreds of candid photos that people had uploaded but I didn’t see any of Brett. My heart sank at the possibility that he wasn’t even on Facebook. I knew there were still a few hold-outs who didn’t have accounts.

I was just about to give up when I came across a photo of me and Brett. It was labeled: Beauty and the Beast. (Okay, even I thought that was a mean label, especially in such a public forum like Facebook.) In the picture, I was sitting on his lap and kissing his cheek. His face was frozen in what looked like an uncomfortable half smile. I wondered what he was thinking at that moment. It was obvious at some point I had zeroed in on him as my target for the evening. I’m not sure why or what had sparked my interest in him. I knew myself well enough to know that once I set my sights on a guy I rarely had to take no for an answer. I always got the guys I wanted. What I couldn’t figure out is why I wanted Brett? As he said, I had never even given him a second look all the years we were in college together.

Brett had definitely grown into his body and he was kind of cute. But he was still a geek, too, although much less geeky than in his college days. He still had shades of geek in him, though, a little geekiness around the edges. But something had attracted me to him. If I could just remember what it was?

My heart skipped a few beats when I noticed Brett had been tagged in the photo. He did have a Facebook account. I clicked on his name and was taken to his Profile page.

His profile photo was not flattering. It was obviously old because his hair was still a bit clownish. There wasn’t too much information in his public view. Just that he was state university graduate and that he lived in Palo Alto, two things I already knew about him.

I would have to friend him to get any more information. But did I really want to friend him - that was the question? What did I think was going to happen? What did I expect to happen? What if I sent a friend request and he completely ignored it? I had to admit it would hurt.

Then it occurred to me that I was putting more thought into deciding whether to friend Brett on Facebook than I most likely did in deciding whether to sleep with him. I had to wonder if it was just me or if it was endemic of the Facebook generation in general.

I could feel my heart beating a little bit faster when I sent Brett the friend request.

Then I sat there and waited. And waited. And waited.

Only thirty seconds had gone by and I already felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I wondered if Brett realized he was killing me.

I wasn’t sure why I was just sitting there waiting. Part of me didn’t think he’d accept my friend request. And even if he did, I didn’t think it would be instantaneous.

But it was pretty damn quick.

There is was: Brett Conner has accepted your friend request. You can write on his wall.

My heart pounded even harder when I realized he could now see everything on my wall. In my desire to see his details, I completely forgot about the fact that he was now privy to all of my sordid past activities documented for eternity on my Facebook Timeline.

I quickly jumped over to Brett’s Profile again. There wasn’t a lot there but I was able to discern a few tidbits of information.

First: There were several photos of him with another female state university grad, who I vaguely recognized. I sat next to her in an Economics class my freshman year. It was a class, which my brother highly recommended I take and I subsequently flunked. I remembered that she was small and mousy, kept to herself and always got perfect scores on every quiz and test. The tag on the photo said her name Rebecca Stiller. I clicked on her name and was taken to her Profile page. She didn’t have too much public information posted except that she was a state university grad, the same year and me and Brett. She now lived in Maryland (which would fit with Brett’s story about his college girlfriend moving to the other side of the country) and she worked for a government agency in Washington, DC. I had little doubt she was his Number One.

I studied her profile photo. She looked serious and smart. She wasn’t someone you’d immediately say was attractive but she wasn’t ugly, either. She was an average looking person with straight, shoulder length brown hair and brown eyes. In the photo, she was wearing a sweater vest with a turtleneck and pearls. She seemed to be a female equivalent of Brett and in many ways his perfect match. I could see why they were together so long. In the three years they were together, I bet they never once fought or raised their voices or said a mean thing to each other. I was with Brett for one night that I couldn’t even remember and I had already done all of those things. Well, the next morning anyway.

I let out a sigh.

Was there any way Brett and I could have a relationship? I was certainly nothing like Rebecca “Sweater Vest” Stiller. If Rebecca had a complete opposite in the world, that person was me.

I went back to Brett’s profile page and clicked on his “About” section. I breathed a small sigh of relief when I verified that he was actually single. He worked as an Aeronautical Engineer for NASA. Fancy job. No wonder he had no time for a girlfriend. He didn’t have any hobbies or other activities listed but he did have a quote: When you have only two pennies left in the world, buy a loaf of bread with one and a lily with the other. It seemed like a strange quote for a guy to have on his wall but Brett didn’t seem that much like a typical guy.

I decided to investigate his Wall a little further. There wasn’t too much posted there. He probably didn’t have time to use Facebook much. I did notice that he had changed his Relationship Status just this past March from Engaged to Single.

Engaged? Why did I feel like someone had stabbed me in the heart with a knife when I read that single word? Brett said he dated this ex for three years in college and they tried the long distance thing but it didn’t work. He never mentioned they were engaged and that they had only broken up a few months ago.

I felt like I was going to be sick.

Then I noticed my chat box pop up. I really didn’t like to chat on Facebook but in my rush to cyber stalk Brett, I had forgotten to close it.

Brett: Hey, Anna. How are you doing?

Me: Okay…I guess.

Brett: Feeling better?

Me: Yeah.

Brett: I was worried about you.

I didn’t know whether to be flattered or run quickly in the other direction.

Me: I’m fine.

There was a pause. I wasn’t sure if he was done or thinking.

Brett: I just wanted to let you know…

There was another pause.

Brett: I had no idea you were as drunk as you were…

Another pause.

Brett: If I had known, I never would have…

Pause again.

Brett: Taken advantage of you like that. I’m really sorry.

I had to laugh. Not at the situation or his feelings about it, which weren’t funny at all, but at the fact that he felt like he had taken advantage of me. If anything, I was most likely the one who had hit on him and totally seduced him.

Me: It’s really not a big deal. Don’t sweat it.

Brett: It is to me.

I could feel a twinge of sadness in my heart. All I wanted was to have fun and I rarely thought about the consequences of my actions. But I had hurt Brett and I was beginning to understand how truly shitty that was.

Me: I didn’t mean to hurt you.

There was another really long pause. I wasn’t sure if he’d even respond. Then, he typed:

Brett: I know. It’s okay.

I could feel a teardrop roll down my cheek.

Me: It’s really not.

I waited. Then to my surprise, he typed:

Brett: Did you get an invitation to Olivia and Zach’s wedding?

Me: I’m one of the Bridesmaids.