Bane (Sinners of Saint #4)(47)

He brushed my cheek with his thumb. His eyes crinkled. They were expressive. Real. Older with his experience. “I’m afraid I’m going to wound you if I’m not careful.”

“You’re not your father, Roman.”

“Maybe I’m not, but it still doesn’t make us right for each other. I’m your boss, and one of your only friends. I’d be taking advantage of you if I laid a finger on you. Tell me you understand that, Jesse.”

I knew he was holding my faith in his callused hands, and I understood where he was coming from. I needed to gain independence for us to be equal.

“I’m going to make this job my bitch,” I said.

“I don’t doubt you.”

“But I haven’t been kissed in…” Nine hundred and three days, four hours, twenty-four seconds. Since my eyes had met the red dot of the recorder while I lay underneath Emery. Since my fate had been sealed. I cleared my throat. “In a long time.”

“You will be kissed by a lot of men. A lot of men I’d love to punch in the face. A lot of men who aren’t me.”

Recognizing that I was begging, I scooted away from him, my butt touching the passenger door. I needed to leave, and I was going to, despite not wanting to. I didn’t want him to go to anyone else. It was greedy, and selfish, and uncalled for, but it was the truth. I wanted Bane for myself.

“I don’t want you to sleep with anyone else.”

He smiled bitterly. “You can’t always get what you want.”

“I know,” I grumbled, waiting one more minute for him to say something more. To take it back. He didn’t. I threw the door open and hopped out. I wanted to be mad at him for the way he’d reacted, but he was right. From the outside, it might look like he was using me, had I slept with him. I raced toward my house, refusing to look back. Maybe it was for the best if he didn’t show up at Café Diem tomorrow morning.

“Hey, Snowflake,” he hollered from behind me. I stopped, but didn’t turn around.

“Care to explain why you came out of that bathroom all flustered today?”

I put my hand on the door handle, twisted it, and walked in, leaving him high and dry. I thought I heard the thump of his head hitting the leather headrest behind him before I slammed the door, and wasn’t surprised.

He wanted me to feel empowered.

And that’s what I was going to be.





That night was the first in months when sleep came. And with it, the nightmare I’d been avoiding.

It felt like a memory more than a dream.

A black empty room. A figure of my slightly younger self, curled in a corner, on a couch. I watched the entire thing like I was watching TV, outside of my own body.

Young Jesse was reading a book. She flipped the pages, munching on a lock of her hair. Then the scent came to me. Alcohol. The kind my dad used to drink. Vodka. And with that scent, an intense fear that intensified in my gut.

A shadow floated over my figure. A man. I couldn’t get a good look at him. His back was to me, but he was facing young Jesse.

His back.

His back.

His back.

That’s why I did it. That’s why I took pictures of backs.

It was because of this man.

But who was he?

The Jesse in my dream dropped the book to her lap and stared back at him. She looked about ready to jump up and run away, and I wanted her to. Badly.

The man took a step toward me. Her. Us.

She dragged my body to the corner of the couch.

“No,” she said. “Please. I know I shouldn’t be here, but I promise I won’t come back if you let me go.”

My brain ordered my body to move. For my eyes to open. I wanted to get out of the dream before it consumed me. I wanted to get out before I remembered something I was pretty sure there was a good reason for me to forget. The only thing I could feel was my eyelids fluttering in REM. My body was frozen, my mind reeling.

Move. Wake up. Get the hell out of bed right now.

The man inched closer, and she curled inside herself, much like I had after what Emery, Nolan, and Henry did to me.

I wanted to kick my legs. To fall off the bed.

The scent of vodka pierced my nose, settling in my gut.

I finally managed to open my mouth, but nothing came out. Not a whisper, not a scream.

Somehow, I managed to grip one post of the bed and straighten myself up, gulping the morning sun and cracking my eyes open. Panting hard and dripping cold sweat, all I could do was turn around to the pin board behind me and flatten my hands around it, frantically looking for this man’s back. I couldn’t find it.

I put on my Keds, finger Taser, and black hoodie and went out for a run.

This time, I didn’t stop until my knees hit the concrete.





I SPENT THE NEXT FEW days dragging my ass to business meetings, surfing with Beck, and sulking like a little bitch. Everything and everyone annoyed the shit out of me. My friends. My mom. My beard. I was even pissy at Edie just because she reminded me of my last conversation with Jesse.

Jesse, whom I’d been ignoring religiously for the past couple days, avoiding Café Diem just because I knew seeing her would make me start a world war.

I knew it was a dick move, but now that she was getting better at the whole life-ing gig, I definitely needed to put some space between us to make sure it wasn’t my cock she was riding the next time her crayon-blue eyes flicked at me beguilingly. As it was, I was entering dangerous territory by spending the advance Darren gave me like that shit was guaranteed.